It's been one month since I went to the ER and the nightmare began. One month since life will never, ever be the same. I was talking to someone and she explained it perfectly. I'm like a china cup that's been shattered. All the pieces are back together, but the cup is still cracked and never the same. I'm trying to figure it out.
I get asked a lot, "how are you?" How do I answer that? I'm different than I was a month ago, but not better. I'm still very sad, my heart is still broken. I don't always break down crying every night after I put Katie to bed. I've had some days where I've even watched Katie play or do something with her and genuinely felt happy about it or good. It never lasts a whole day and sometimes it only lasts moments. I still don't know how I'm supposed to go the rest of my life.
I had a physical this morning. I had a panic attack as soon as I saw the blood pressure machine come at me. I just freaked out, it reminded me of the hospital and it took a while for me to calm down. The doctor was understanding. She'd had a stillbirth at 24 weeks this past November. She said what they all day, "it gets better". When? How? I think she was pregnant. I ended up with a script for Buspirone, it's an anxiety med. I looked it up and a good friend of mine has taken it before and said it wasn't too bad. I'm curious to see how my physical blood results turn out when I get them back.
What to do about tomorrow and Friday? One month since losing Emma and Chase. I wish I had a guide on how to go through this kind of loss before this happened so I'd know what to do, how to act, what to say, how to survive.
I did order the urn yesterday. Finally found the perfect epitaph.