Wednesday, June 24, 2015

One month-ER

It's been one month since I went to the ER and the nightmare began.  One month since life will never, ever be the same.  I was talking to someone and she explained it perfectly.  I'm like a china cup that's been shattered.  All the pieces are back together, but the cup is still cracked and never the same. I'm trying to figure it out.

I get asked a lot, "how are you?"  How do I answer that?  I'm different than I was a month ago, but not better.  I'm still very sad, my heart is still broken.  I don't always break down crying every night after I put Katie to bed.  I've had some days where I've even watched Katie play or do something with her and genuinely felt happy about it or good.  It never lasts a whole day and sometimes it only lasts moments. I still don't know how I'm supposed to go the rest of my life.

I had a physical this morning.  I had a panic attack as soon as I saw the blood pressure machine come at me.  I just freaked out, it reminded me of the hospital and it took a while for me to calm down.  The doctor was understanding.  She'd had a stillbirth at 24 weeks this past November.  She said what they all day, "it gets better".  When?  How?  I think she was pregnant.  I ended up with a script for Buspirone, it's an anxiety med.  I looked it up and a good friend of mine has taken it before and said it wasn't too bad.  I'm curious to see how my physical blood results turn out when I get them back.

What to do about tomorrow and Friday?  One month since losing Emma and Chase.  I wish I had a guide on how to go through this kind of loss before this happened so I'd know what to do, how to act, what to say, how to survive.

I did order the urn yesterday.  Finally found the perfect epitaph.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry you are going through this. There are no words I can say to make it better.