Sunday, June 28, 2015

Memorial

Since the loss of Emma and Chase I've been working on a memorial. I wanted a shelf for them, so they have their place in our home.  I recognize I need to heal and move forward, but they will never, ever be forgotten and will never not be a part of my family.  They just won't be a part of my family in the way I'd hoped or imagined.

Today, my husband and I put their ashes together in the urn and I completed (for the most part) the memorial shelf.  There's an ornament stand on each side for anything I find or see that I feel compelled to get in honor of them, but otherwise it's pretty much done.

I'll start with the full shelf and how it looks.  It's in the dining room.  We don't really use this room much right now so it's perfect.



Here is a close up of Emma's side


Here's the close up of Chase's side


And a close up of the joining wall where my babies meet.


I love the way we've chosen to memorialize them.  And I will always carry them in my heart wherever I go, for as long as I live.  I do plan to try for our rainbow when I'm medically cleared to do so. Never to replace what I lost.  That is impossible.  I still want for Kate to have living siblings and there's always more love in our hearts for more children. I don't know if I'll get as lucky with treatments, but I'll worry about that later.  I've been blessed with three beautiful children and that is more than many can hope for.

 One thing missing from my treatments this time was acupuncture.  I believe in my acupuncturist, as far as helping and keeping my body healthy.  I felt differently with this pregnancy from the start, as in the first Femara pill I ever took.  I remember how much anxiety I had even announcing the pregnancy on social media.  I want my acupuncturist to help monitor me next time.  While he can't help me conceive, he's the one who had me on iron early in my pregnancy with Katie and would adjust supplements necessary. I don't want to take a chance on this type of thing ever happening again.  While I know there's nothing I can do to prevent another loss, I want to do all I know to do to increase the odds.  

For now, though, I am here.  Still grieving and still healing, both physically and emotionally.  I still feel guilty for what happened to them.  I'll see my OB on July 6th and maybe there will be more answers to my story, maybe there won't.  I'll have more information at that time.  I plan to do a consult with my RE as well to get his opinion on the situation and then schedule a consult with my acupuncturist. One step at a time, one day at a time, and some days (more often than not right now), one hour at a time.

For everyone reading, especially anyone who's reached out to me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your love and support has been more than I could ever hope for. 

3 comments:

  1. Such a beautiful memorial. My heart is glad you are feeling your babies and the love you have for them is pushing through the sadness on occasion. You are taking care of your body and your mind. You are doing a beautiful job, no matter what it seems like to you. Hold strong.

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  2. Such a beautiful memorial. My heart is glad you are feeling your babies and the love you have for them is pushing through the sadness on occasion. You are taking care of your body and your mind. You are doing a beautiful job, no matter what it seems like to you. Hold strong.

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  3. Lovely. Thank you for reading my blog and sharing yours with me. I love your shelf. I have a memorial garden I am working on and photos and reminders scattered all throughout my house. I want as many reminders as possible. Hugs!

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