Tuesday, June 2, 2015

One week since I said goodbye to Chase

And so here it is.  A week since I said goodbye to Chase.  A week since any hope of bringing home any baby was gone.  I kept it together most of yesterday, but starting in the afternoon it got harder and harder.  Last night I could hardly function and today I feel empty and sad.  I feel it's just never going to be okay.  I feel stupid.  I thought when I found out twin B was a boy and I named him Chase, that it meant that he was going to make it.  I thought he'd be saved because his name was Chase, but I was wrong.  So wrong.

They were both so beautiful and so perfect and just too early. They were even good size for their gestational age.  I don't know how I'm going to get through today, but right now I'll start with getting through this hour.  Katie just woke up, so I need to make myself go in there and take care of her. She deserves nothing but the best.


  1. Oh honey! You're expecting so much from yourself! You don't need to be strong right now. It's ok for Katie to see you grieve for your babies. It's ok to let Katie watch tv because you need a moment or several to remember and cry. It's ok that you're not ok right now. There is no timeline to grieving, there is no right way to grieve. Please be gentle to yourself. Celebrate the moments where you feel ok and let yourself grieve during the moments when you're not. I very much wish I could hug you right now and let our kiddos play together for a bit and just sit and chat...or not chat (as long as there is a good coffee shop near your place I'm a happy girl :) ).

    My friend I am praying earnestly for you that you will be gentle to your body and gentle to your mind! I'm praying for healing for your body and tenderness from your family.

  2. Continuing to think of you.