Right now, this minute the pain is too much. I thought I was okay, but I'm not okay. How is it ever okay? Right now, this minute I wish I was dead. I don't want to feel it anymore. I don't want to feel the emotional scar, the hole where two of my kids are supposed to be. I think my daughter would be fine without her dad. I'm not that great of a mom, I killed her siblings. I know she'd never understand though and I'd never do that to her. I can't hurt all 3 of them. No one reading this needs to worry that I'm going to do anything. I'm only wishing, not doing.
I think about leaving my husband. I think he hates me. He says he loves me, but I know he's tired of looking at me and I'm never happy. I don't think I'm ever going to be happy. How can he stand me? My body was never the instrument of life due to infertility, but now it's an instrument of death.
I hate my body. I hate the fucking cramps. My goddammed stupid body. I hate it! The body that would never work properly to give me children. The body that destroyed and killed the most important things in it. My body that gets sick. I can't beat anything. It's been cold sore after cold sore after cold sore. I keep getting colds. I have horrible cramps right now. I'm still bleeding. I still make milk. I wish I could stab it, kick it, burn it, destroy it for what it's done to me, my family.
Right now, this minute I'm just trying to make it to the next. I don't know how. I don't know that it's even possible. I keep hearing it will get better. When? When does it ever get better? How can anything be better when they will never come back?
Kate had her 18 month appt today. He says she's absolutely perfect, beautiful, and healthy. Something worked once. She is mine. I couldn't create her, or keep her in the whole time, but with help I did it. I love her. She is everything that is beautiful and perfect. I tried to buy her shirts. Children's Place was having a sale. There were 3 of them. 3 shirts that all had a sister theme. She is a sister, not that it counts.
I hate life, I hate nature, I hate almost everything.
Right now, this minute I'm crying so hard and tears are streaming down my face. I'm trying to drown myself in wine, but it's not working, it still hurts.
Right now, this minute I'm missing my babies. Emily and Chase, I love you. I'm sorry.