Sunday, June 21, 2015

Sick, again.....

This is going to be a huge mix mash of stuff.  I swear I think I'm a crazy person.  One minute I'm fine, the next minute I'm not.  I don't know how any stands me right now, honestly.

Yesterday I was an emotional wreck.  I've been having so much trouble sleeping lately.  It takes me forever to fall asleep, but then I'm okay, but I also wake up very early.  I've been averaging about 5ish hours lately.

Anyways, yesterday I was a mess.  I was exhausted, I was drinking (when Katie was napping, never while I'm her primary caretaker) and crying and one minute annoyed with DH, one minute not.  One thing led to another and we had sex, even though I'm not supposed to until I'm cleared July 6th.  I'm so ashamed of myself and embarrassed and I just hate myself for it. I know my emotions are crazy, my hormones are crazy, I'm all over the place.  Not sure if it was a need for connecting, closeness, or what.  I've been terrified of having sex and glad I wasn't even allowed to, so this shocked me.  I just want to crawl under a rock and stay there.

Then last night I did a 5k.  The Foam Glow run.  I was exhausted, I'm not at all a night person, but wanted to do it.  I couldn't run much at all, I was ashamed of myself at the time for that too (anyone sense a theme?).  I mostly walked though and it was more than I'd done in a long, long time.  Months.  I finally made it to the end and all I wanted was to pass out and have water.  Made it back to the car (more walking) and got home.  I had a small snack and tried to sleep, but I was so incredibly nauseous.

I slept maybe 4 hours last night?  And then this morning I thought with coffee and some food I might feel better, but no.  I've been sick, dizzy, and nauseous all day.  I started sneezing mid-day.  I hate how I can never get better.  I dunno if pretty much walking the 5k was too much or what.  When the hell did I become this frail person?  That doesn't even make sense to me.  God, I just hate everything about myself.

Today is also Father's Day.  I made DH breakfast and dressed Katie up so adorable, in this yellow romper he loves.  He calls her his little duckling, lol.  We went to lunch and I put on makeup and looked okay for it. I couldn't eat much and it was hard to get through lunch.  Came home and got Katie down for nap and then I took some meds and lied on the couch.  I was going to bake him cookies and make him a special dinner.  I could hardly get around the house.  When Katie woke up they went swimming since I can't do that either, of course.  And I cleaned up a bit in between taking a break.  They had a blast and DH said he had an amazing Father's Day, but yeah...  I fucked this up too.

So, now I'm still dizzy and sick and feeling just horrible.  Tomorrow is the first day of summer school and even though I'm only working Tues/Thurs I volunteered to help since I know it's going to be crazy and I feel like shit backing out now.

Tomorrow..... 4 weeks since I lost Emma.  Tuesday, 4 weeks since I lost Chase.  I'm coming on a month this week.  I don't know how to handle this.  I miss my babies.  I miss my life before this nightmare.

1 comment:

  1. Stop. Just stop honey. Do not feel ashamed for the time with your husband. You are experiencing a very difficult thing and if you felt the need to be with him and he you, than good. He's your husband and you can "use" each other to get through this is you need to. Second, don't feel bad about not being about to run a whole 5k. You gave birth less than a month ago. Walking it was more than enough and probably more than others could do. I'm not surprised you are feeling sick. Please take moments to accept yourself and be kind. I KNOW how hard it is to do this, but try. You are doing your best.