Friday, June 19, 2015

Thoughts.....

I made it through work.  In some ways it was nice being back in that environment.  Pretty much everyone knew so I didn't have to repeat the story over and over again.  I got a lot of hugs and then it was down to business.  The distraction was good and I wore a necklace a very good friend of mine had made for me to try and draw strength from it.


Through infertility I've met some of the most amazing people.  People who have become my rock during this horrible time. I've met some in person and hope to meet others one day, but to me they are family and there isn't anything I would do for my infertility sisters.  Through the years we've become close on all levels, even though it all started with us all struggling to have children.  It's just become so much more.

And now with this loss brings other amazing people into my life.  I've had comments from people I haven't heard from before who've found me either through BBC (babycenter) or through friends who've said hey, my friend needs you, you've been through this.  I want to take a second and thank both Alissa and Holly for reaching out to me and being awesome support during this time.  Also, everyone who comments.  I read and it means a lot that so many of you care.

Yesterday when I was at work, I was able to not think of myself for a while, which is why I wanted to go back.  I don't like being selfish, I like like woe is me, I don't like feeling sorry for myself and what I don't have.  Everyone struggles, everyone hurts, everyone is going through something. I'm trying to focus on my fellow friends and go back to supporting them during their fertility treatments or whatever else they are going through.  Some moments I can, but when I can I'm trying to.  This brings me to my actual point of this paragraph and that's happiness.

 I am not happy. I've lost my babies and I'm swimming through this pool of guilt, shame, sorry, heartbreak, confusion, etc trying to navigate my way through it.  I'm told by others that I will smile again.  I've had a few pockets of it this week.  When I took Kate to Toddler Time I was able to truly enjoy that time with her.  To enjoy the fact that years ago I could only dream of doing this with my child and now here I am doing it.   Later, I felt guilty.  How dare I?  How dare I ever enjoy anything again?  Emma and Chase don't get to breathe, smile, hope, laugh, eat, nothing.  How dare I, their mother, even think of enjoying anything again when they never will?  I need to figure out how that part is going to be okay, 'cause right now it doesn't feel like it.  Right now I don't eve want to feel better and I know it. I'm hanging onto all the negativity because I don't deserve not to have it.

A battle between my head and my heart. Also, I'm having so much trouble thinking and processing.  I can't remember things like I used to.  I feel like I don't always understand what's being said to me.  Just in general. I don't know why it's so hard for me to process, but I feel like a bonafide idiot. 

Enough randomness for now.  

2 comments:

  1. I love this necklace. It's absolutely beautiful. I'm glad Alissa and Holly are helping you through this. Sometimes the best support you can get is from others who have been down the same path. Sending you hugs.

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  2. That necklace is very special. I adore mine. One of the things that I have grown to be appreciative of, is being able to help (even a little) when someone has a loss. It helps to be able to provide support to someone else. It would be wonderful if it wasn't because of a loss, but that is our path.
    I remember the Christmas after M & A died (about 2.5 months later) I was very close to cancelling any kind of celebration. I couldn't handle being "merry" when my babies weren't able to be here with me. If you can manage a couple of moments of happiness a day and remind yourself that it's okay to feel those moments, you are getting somewhere. Moment by moment, you will find a smile and grow to find forgiveness in yourself.

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