Went to work this morning. This was the first day of summer session, meaning extra crazy! I can't think. I've been having processing issues. Like someone tells me something and a second later I forget. I can't hang onto any thoughts. I wonder aimlessly at the grocery store, forgetting why I'm there. I'll read bread on my list and then forget, then read again, and forget. I feel like a complete and utter idiot. I didn't expect it to happen at work, but it did. My brain just shut down on me. I felt incompetent and honestly like I wanted to crawl under a rock and cry. I hate it. I hate feeling stupid and hopeless. I don't know how to think or how to do my job. It took me a long time to do the basic stuff. I hear it's part of grief. I dunno. I'm sad and confused.
I'm better physically today, I think. My brain is weird, so I don't know. I'm just fuzzy and I can't think.
I also hear about mom's with loss who say things like, when I have a good day I know it's a gift from them. Or when I see a rainbow, I know it's a sign. I don't have any of that. They are just gone from me. I'm so sad and so broken over them being gone, I don't know if I'll see the signs or if I just don't believe or what. I want so bad to see something from them to know that it's okay. Maybe they hate me for killing them. They should. I hate me for it.