Monday, June 22, 2015

Where is my brain?

Went to work this morning.  This was the first day of summer session, meaning extra crazy! I can't think.  I've been having processing issues.  Like someone tells me something and a second later I forget.  I can't hang onto any thoughts.  I wonder aimlessly at the grocery store, forgetting why I'm there. I'll read bread on my list and then forget, then read again, and forget.  I feel like a complete and utter idiot.  I didn't expect it to happen at work, but it did.  My brain just shut down on me.  I felt incompetent and honestly like I wanted to crawl under a rock and cry.  I hate it.  I hate feeling stupid and hopeless.  I don't know how to think or how to do my job.  It took me a long time to do the basic stuff.  I hear it's part of grief.  I dunno.  I'm sad and confused.

I'm better physically today, I think.  My brain is weird, so I don't know.  I'm just fuzzy and I can't think.

I also hear about mom's with loss who say things like, when I have a good day I know it's a gift from them.  Or when I see a rainbow, I know it's a sign.  I don't have any of that.  They are just gone from me. I'm so sad and so broken over them being gone, I don't know if I'll see the signs or if I just don't believe or what.  I want so bad to see something from them to know that it's okay.  Maybe they hate me for killing them.  They should.  I hate me for it.


  1. Hi there,

    I'm so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful babies. Alissa from Long Time Coming popped over to my blog with a link to yours. (We're also in LAMBs together.) I lost my twins under similar circumstances at 14w2d on August 5, 2011. Like Emma, my daughter, Aliya, pPROMed and had no fluid left. We cd in through the ER, which took a stupid amount of time. By the time they did our the final ultrasound, our babies were dying. I was induced, and delivered Aliya and her brother, Bennett, the next morning. I'm now nearly 4 years out from my loss. I can say it does get easier, but it's still not easy. I was diagnosed with DOR after several more cycles of TTC after losing the twins (who were super ovulation IUI babies). I finally conceived our IVF son, our only living child, 14 months after our loss. My life is still very much affected by both my years of infertity and our subsequent loss. I wonder sometimes what I would be like if our journey to parenthood had been less painful. I know today that while I'm sorry to meet you and so many others because of the tragedy of babyloss, I am so, so grateful to have a circle of mamas who get it...and get me.

    Sending you so much love. <3

  2. Sweet Momma-I know right now in this cloud you hate yourself. As others have mentioned, you did NOTHING wrong. All your babies knew from you was joy and love. What happened to you is seriously beyond control and there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. When you get the book I sent, read it as an anthym to your heart. This. Is. Not. Your. Fault. Life is messy and unfair. Please don't hate yourself. You didn't choose this. You are in the deep deep waves of grief. It sucks and only time can heal it. Be gentle to yourself. You did everything you possibly could. You did not fail them. We live in a world full of disease and its victims are random and unfair. Your very body also gave you your beautiful daughter too <3. Hang in there momma.