Tuesday, July 21, 2015

8 weeks

It's been 8 weeks since I lost them. Often I'm asked how am I doing?  And I honestly don't know how I'm doing.  I'm just doing. I've kinda stopped answering it a few times and people don't even notice or ask again. I think it's just a way to say hi.

However, I have noticed a few changes in the past eight weeks.  I was talking to someone yesterday who also lost her twins and we were talking about things we wished we'd done with the hours we did get to hold them.  It's been on my mind a lot in the past week, if I could have the day I got with each baby, what would I do differently?  Of course going to the ER I had no way to prepare.  No idea I was losing them. I even thought maybe I was silly for going.  But here's how I've changed.  I'm no longer talking about what I should've done to save them.  Honestly I haven't even thought about that in the last week.  I accept that I couldn't or even if I could've, I didn't it and that part is done.  Instead I've moved forward to what I wish had been different when they were in my arms.  I wish I'd been able to wear each baby, sing more songs, maybe get a hand print as well as footprint, more detailed pictures, read them a story.  I wish I'd had a book to read to them.  I did sing soft kitty to them though before we said goodbye.

Another change is I don't cry every day. I used to cry every single day, many times throughout the day.  Then it became every night when I put Katie to bed and walked out. I do cry a few times a week because I miss them so bad it hurts.

Currently I'm quiet and withdrawn.  I live in constant sadness, but I've just learned to live with it, it's a part of me now. I don't who I am.  I feel very lost. I have no idea how to talk to people.  I forget things easily, a lot easier than I used to.  It's harder for me to keep up with all the people I care about.  I still care, I just find it hard to reach out.  I want to stay hidden away from everything.  Not sure want is the right word, it's just what I'm doing.  I don't feel I belong with anyone or anywhere.  I honestly feel like people are sick of me.  I don't know if my worldview is distorted or if it's true, but I feel like people don't want to talk to me anymore.  I don't want to say don't care, but more like know I'm not the person they used to know and it's time to part ways sort of thing.  I don't know.  I just feel very detached and disconnected.

There's a lot of stuff going on at my job and I just don't care.  I got there, I do what they want, I come home.  I used to care, but honestly I just don't.  I don't care about things in the news or around the world.  I just feel very alone and very lost.

I've been trying to think all the ways I've parented Emma and Chase.  I made choices of what to put in my body while I was pregnant with them.  I went to all my appointments and even switched OBs to try and make sure we were in the best hands.  I called my OB any time I had a concern about them and even went to the ER.  I chose how to deliver each baby.  A d&c was offered to me, but I declined.  I almost lost that option after Emma was born to sepsis and blood loss, but I stabilized in time and made the choice to try and save Chase. I chose to hold each baby and spend time with them and sing them a lullaby.  I chose cremation, I chose the memorial shelf for them.  I chose to share them with the world by being very open on Facebook about my loss and even posted pictures of them.  I continue to parent them by keeping them alive in my heart.  I talk to other loss moms and anyone who wants to hear about them.  I plan to do random acts of kindness in their memory and name.  I'm going to participate in The August 19th -Day of Hope Prayer Flag Project hosted by CarlyMarie http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2015/06/august-19th-day-of-hope-the-prayer-flag-project.html.  I will tell their big sister about them and celebrate them on their birthday. I am unsure what to do on their due date if anything.  I might take off of work and do a family day.

I've been thinking more and more about trying for another sibling for them and Kate.  Having them didn't take away from Katie.  They weren't replacing her and even with them gone, she doesn't replace them.  Another baby won't replace any child of mine, they are simply another child of mine.  Another child I will love regardless of the outcome, another child that will hopefully grow up along big sister Katie.  I have no idea if I'll get lucky again with another pregnancy, but I do know I'm ready to try.

I'm not sleeping.  I can't remember the last time I really slept, so tonight at my acu appt I'll bring it up.  I'm also having severe anxiety.  Maybe he can help me with those.


  1. Oh sweet mama what an amazing job you do parenting those babies. We have it WAY harder than the mom that has a tough baby/toddler/teen, we have to figure out how to parent our child in death and it. is. so. hard. I'm so glad you giving yourself credit for the amazing things you did for them and holding them and singing. I was to weak, to afraid to hold my daughter born at 18 weeks-I never even held her :( The moments I had with her brother and the moments were I gained the courage to fight for his younger siblings and bring them into this world. You are beautiful and you are grieving just right. Keep doing it. Cry when you feel like it. Smile when you feel like it. Talk to anyone you want to and it's their own problem if they can't handle the sadness....it's your story and they are your babies. I love the day of kindness. I will participate!!!

  2. You are doing a beautiful job of parenting your twins (and Katie, too, even though that's a different kind of parenting). I think all the ideas you've had and things you've done are awesome. As for people asking how your doing as a way to say hi, I don't think that's necessarily the case. I know a few times I've asked you that you've not answered and kind of tried to to turn the conversation toward me, and while I do want to hear how you're doing, I take you not answering as a way of saying you aren't up to answering that at the moment. I know that after my loss, I got sick of trying to come up with ways to say, "I'm not good, but there's nothing really more to say about it." So, there were times I didn't answer or just said "fine". People may just be trying to respect your silence on the topic.