Thursday, July 9, 2015

Guilt and Shame

I've been able to process and think about my feelings and thoughts a bit more clearly in the past day or so.  I'm still feeling more stable and more "okay" since my acu appt.  I don't feel like I'm going to break down each second.

Guilt

I feel guilty.  The guilt has changed a bit.  I was blaming myself for even getting sick.  I no longer thing it's my fault I got sick.  That did happen.  Where I blame myself is in not protecting my children and not seeking more help.  Had I seen my acu when I was weak, unable to pick up K, not able to do much of anything, they'd be here.  He would've known I was sick and either been able to help or tell me to get my ass to the doctor NOW and tell them I'm not okay. Had I told my OB, look I really don't feel well instead of being more general.  Had I said I can't do much of anything, then maybe.  I don't know, I just know that had I gotten antibiotics a lot earlier, they'd probably be alive.  Something so simple, antibiotics.  But I didn't and my body couldn't keep them.

what "if" I told myself I wasn't to blame?  What am I left with then?  if its not my fault they are gone, then what?  That means that my husband can die on me at any minute, that K can die on me, that any future pregnancy (if I ever get another one) can just end.  It means I can't do anything for anyone that I love.  It means that I can't ever protect anyone.

What do I do with that?  How do I ever let anyone out of my sight?  My home?  What if I go to work one day and I never see K again?  How do I save everyone?  Keep them in a bubble?  Live in a cave?
I know I sound ridiculous, but I don't know how to function.  I don't know what to do.  I have to believe I could save them, because antibiotics would have.


Shame

I have so much shame to see my RE on Monday.  Last time I saw him I gave him a huge hug and a smile.  I thanked him for my three children that without him, I'd never have.  He gave me a beautiful, perfect family.  I had my daughter and now I was going to have twins.  I truly didn't care what gender, just that two more wonderful children would join my family and that I could go from trying for a family to enjoying my family.

Now I have to go back there ashamed.  My head hanging low, I ruined it.  He gave me something so beautiful and precious and they are gone forever.  Can never be replaced no matter what.  How do I even face this man?  How do I even dare ask for another chance?  My husband doesn't get it when I tried explaining it to him. I'm not sure if anyone does.


3 comments:

  1. Came across your blog from "Who Shot Down my Stork?" - thinking of you guys!

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  2. Continuing to think about you.

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  3. I hope you can learn to not blame yourself. I'm learning myself. I know it's alot easier said than done... I know I'm my mind it's not my fault I didn't nothing, and if I knew what I could have done to prevent it I would have moved heaven and earth to do it. But I didn't know. I may always live in a fragile state of mind of what if- but I can't change what has happened. I can only love them, and love myself for creating such a beautiful gift... My body held them as long as it could. Xo hugs.

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