I've been able to process and think about my feelings and thoughts a bit more clearly in the past day or so. I'm still feeling more stable and more "okay" since my acu appt. I don't feel like I'm going to break down each second.
I feel guilty. The guilt has changed a bit. I was blaming myself for even getting sick. I no longer thing it's my fault I got sick. That did happen. Where I blame myself is in not protecting my children and not seeking more help. Had I seen my acu when I was weak, unable to pick up K, not able to do much of anything, they'd be here. He would've known I was sick and either been able to help or tell me to get my ass to the doctor NOW and tell them I'm not okay. Had I told my OB, look I really don't feel well instead of being more general. Had I said I can't do much of anything, then maybe. I don't know, I just know that had I gotten antibiotics a lot earlier, they'd probably be alive. Something so simple, antibiotics. But I didn't and my body couldn't keep them.
what "if" I told myself I wasn't to blame? What am I left with then? if its not my fault they are gone, then what? That means that my husband can die on me at any minute, that K can die on me, that any future pregnancy (if I ever get another one) can just end. It means I can't do anything for anyone that I love. It means that I can't ever protect anyone.
What do I do with that? How do I ever let anyone out of my sight? My home? What if I go to work one day and I never see K again? How do I save everyone? Keep them in a bubble? Live in a cave?
I know I sound ridiculous, but I don't know how to function. I don't know what to do. I have to believe I could save them, because antibiotics would have.
I have so much shame to see my RE on Monday. Last time I saw him I gave him a huge hug and a smile. I thanked him for my three children that without him, I'd never have. He gave me a beautiful, perfect family. I had my daughter and now I was going to have twins. I truly didn't care what gender, just that two more wonderful children would join my family and that I could go from trying for a family to enjoying my family.
Now I have to go back there ashamed. My head hanging low, I ruined it. He gave me something so beautiful and precious and they are gone forever. Can never be replaced no matter what. How do I even face this man? How do I even dare ask for another chance? My husband doesn't get it when I tried explaining it to him. I'm not sure if anyone does.