Wednesday, July 22, 2015

I just don't know

I don't know what to do anymore.  I was pretty set on doing treatments as soon as I could, but now I don't know. I've had a few people question if I was ready, mostly due to my blog posts.  What does ready mean?  I'm not going to ever be happy they are gone.  But is now the right time?  Is what I'm feeling too negative and would impact a possible future pregnancy?  Would I have trouble coping with another possible pregnancy when I'm still grieving for my twins?

I have days that are better than others.  My acupuncturist questioned my readiness yesterday too when I talked to him.  In fact he made me look at him and tell him if I was suicidal or not.  I'm not at all.  I don't particularly value my life and I'm fine with my own death, but I'm not going to seek it.  I couldn't do that to Katie.  If something happens and I die then so be it, but I'm not going to choose to leave her.  I would never, ever do that to her unless my living was more harmful to her than my death and that is no where near the case right now and honestly, I don't foresee it being the case.  I view my life since the moment she was born as a model to her.  She is watching me all the time.  Sadly, she will encounter tragedy in her own life.  I pray it's not infertility or child loss, but I don't know what she will face.  I have to show her how to cope and how to get through things.  I can't give up and be that be her model.  I have to show her that you have to just deal with it in healthy ways.  I noticed I started using alcohol too much for coping, so I quit drinking it.  I blog, post in my support groups, and when I have the energy try to check in on my friends to let them know I still care and see how they are doing.  I'm doing a crappy job at that part, but I'm trying.

Anyways, I told him I'm not sleeping much and that my anxiety is very bad.  He then mentioned that maybe I'm not ready to get pregnant again.  I don't know.  I'm very lost and I don't know what ready means.  I know I have a lot of fear and anxiety over TTC and frankly I want to move past that point in my life.  I want my daughter to have a sibling close in age.  I am worried that the longer I wait the less chance I have for a BFP.  Knowing what I know about my body through the treatments that I've done, my AFC is much too low to attempt IVF even if it was affordable.  There is a very good chance I'll have nothing to transfer.

But, if I'm breaking down crying is that okay for a possible pregnancy?  If I'm yoyoing between functional and breaking down crying, is that okay?  If I'm spending all my time in grief over the two that are gone and fear over the one in me, is that bad for the baby?  I don't know how much stress, fear, etc plays into pregnancy as far as the baby.  Can it affect important things in the brain?  Can it cause a disposition for depression or cause a potential child to have anxiety? I don't know.  I don't know anything.  I know I want to do the best for any future children.  I'm going to be sad for a while.  I talk to women years out from their losses and guess what, they are still grieving.  They still break down and have moments.  Far fewer than me, but this is life changing.  Two of my kids and I are separated. I don't know.

My acupuncturist brought up antidepressants.  The very thing I thought he wouldn't mention to me, that he would probably say was bad.  He didn't.  I know for a fact that if I have to take them, I won't TTC.  I can't take any of that while I'm pregnant, don't want it in my body close to a pregnancy, and if I'm having to rely on it, then I'm not ready to be pregnant.  At what point do I realize I need them?  I am functional.  I go to work, get dressed every day, cook, clean, take my daughter places, even socialize a bit, even if it's hard for me to make small talk like I care about anything else. 

However, I'm not sleeping and I have anxiety.  My acu did give me some herbs to try and help with anxiety and I felt incredibly relaxed during during my acu treatment. I slept almost 7 hours instead of 4-5 last night.  I feel anxious this morning though and my left eye has started twitching as I'm typing this blog post.  I felt anxious before my last round of treatments and during my pregnancy.  I had eye twitches and trouble sleeping too.  I just don't know anymore and I don't know how to know.  I want to make the right decision, I want a formula.  I just want life to be okay.


  1. We've talked about this my dear, but no...I don't think you are quite ready for the stress of ttc and a possible pregnancy. I think if you did get pregnant in the coming month or two, you may not just worry about the baby, but also collect more guilt. I had a bit of it after I conceived following my loss. I felt like I betrayed my kids and felt guilty for moving on. It wasn't near what it would have been 3 months earlier (at the 3 month mark), but it was noticable. Luckily, eventually as I healed and passed the week mark in the pregnancy, I began to feel like my twins were happy for me and wanted that baby born safe. I just think you need a little more time. At least until you are 50% good days and 50% bad days. There is no way to know when you'll be ready, but using the EDD for the twins might be somewhere to start. I'll support whatever you choose, but I want you to be happy again and if you don't value your life...that isn't a good thing.
    I also think perhaps giving antidepressants a try could be worth it. At least as a temporary thing. I know many women who struggled with IVF or loss who use the and feel no shame over it. If that is what could help you right now, in the moment, consider it.
    Always thinking of you.

    1. I meant the 24 week mark in pregnancy is when I felt the babies.

  2. Well, I have not experienced a loss such as yours, but I did have a miscarriage, and I can say that getting pregnant again was VERY therapeutic in my case. I don't know what that means for a stillbirth. I wish you the best in any case!!! Healing thoughts to you....

  3. I jumped back in 3 months after losing my baby. I never felt guilty about moving on, although I continued to mourn for about 5 years. I consoled myself by knowing that I wouldn't have the wonderful child I was given had I not lost the child before.

  4. Sometimes we need to take a step back and view the big picture. No one knows how you will cope if you were to conceive soon or not. I wish there was a manual we can open to make decision making easier. But unfortunately there isn't and we need to dig deep inside ourselves to come to terms with what our next step should be.