Sunday, July 19, 2015

A better day

I've been doing better.  Had a fantastic time at the beach.  DH and I talked before we went and cleared the air.  He said he didn't realize how upset I was and how much I was struggling.  For those new to my blog, I'm extremely close to my DH.  He is my rock and the one person I can count on no matter what.  We are best friends first.

The hard part is we are very much grieving differently.  He doesn't like to talk about Emma and Chase and prefers I warn him if I need to so he can mentally prepare.  He doesn't like to look at their pictures, etc.  I, on the other hand, want to talk about them often, I do look at their pictures and try to frequently recall everything about the days I held each one, try to remember what they felt like  I try to think of ways to parent from the grave, so to speak.  This makes it hard when I can't share what's on my mind with my best friend.  I don't share a lot on FB anymore since I think it makes people uncomfortable.  I've learned only other loss moms can relate to me.

The day at the beach was very healing.  I felt close to my babies that day, I think because I was out in nature, with the sun, the sand, the water.  Katie running around like a mad woman.  I had my sad moments.  Seeing only her at the beach, wondering if there would be another with her some day or not, but I was able to relax and enjoy the day and the family I do have while keeping the two no longer with me close to my heart.

I need to give a huge thanks to Alissa who reached out to me via messenger after my last blog post to talk to me and make me feel more "normal" about what I'm going through.  You are an amazing and wonderful friend.  I hate that we met this way, that this is what we share, but I have a feeling in time there will be a lot more.

A huge thanks to Holly.  She sent me a book a few weeks ago called You Are the Mother of All Mothers. It took me a few days to even read it and when I did I cried and cried and cried.  I've read it a few more times since then.  It's a book each and every loss mom should have.  It's exactly the words a mom needs to hear during this time.  Thank you!!

I find myself withdrawing more from even people I used to feel close to.  I don't know if my perceptions or wrong or not, but I just feel very tainted and like people don't want to be around me anymore or talk to me, because the answer to how you are doing isn't "great".  I have friends, luckily, going through some good/happy/hopeful times finally and I don't want to be that dark cloud. I have good days and bad days and moments within those days. I'm thinking a lot about my upcoming fertility treatment and how I'll do.  How will it go?  If I do get pregnant how will I handle it?

I went to a friend's moving away/meet the new baby party and I held the baby for a good while.  I thought it would be harder than it was, but as Alissa pointed out to me from her experience, it wasn't my baby, I was able to separate myself.  It did make me miss a baby.  Kate climbed in my lap and kissed the baby and my heart hurt for what was gone, but made me look to the future at the same time and hope and pray.

While at the beach, inspired by Alissa, I wrote my babies names on the sand, this way all 3 of my kids were accounted for.  Has it really been 8 weeks?


  1. I'm way behind on reading blog posts, but I just caught up with yours, and I am so glad to see that you and your DH talked about everything and that it helped. I have no doubt you love him and want to be with him. Loss is just so hard and it can make a marriage feel like so much work when it's really just the weight of everything else and the pain you're both in. I can feel hope and relief and peace within this post, and I hope they've carried over to today even if just for moments at a time. Please don't ever think I expect you to feel 100% better. Do I love to hear when you're having a better day or making progress? Absolutely! But I know there will be days where nothing seems positive, and that's ok. It's expected even. I'm here no matter what.

  2. I'm glad u two were able to clear the air about ur grieving process. Everyone mourns differently and it says a lot about him when he allows u to grieve the way u want by mentaly preparing himself.

  3. I'm so glad I have been able to help. It means a lot to be able to make even a tiny difference in someone's loss journey. Like, at LEAST something positive can come out of this horribly unfair situation. Because I have processed my twin loss for a few years now and feel resolved to my past, this (being able to help others) is kind of my way of continuing to grieve and honor my babies in a healthy way. It doesn't really stop - the mourning...but it does shift and become something you can live with. I will hope you can continue finding these good days and re-shape your thinking to allow peace and love into your heart.