Thursday, July 16, 2015

ramble-bad night

I'm just rambling. I'm just broken in my heart and just struggling.  I've been falling apart more and more piece by piece this whole week.  Acupuncture didn't even help.  I'm just sitting here with so much in my heart, my head, and it's all in me.  I have no way to get it out.  I even just fought with my husband.  I feel so alone right now. Usually I have my husband, but right now I don't.  Not with this.  I face this alone.  Moments like this I hate him.

I miss my kids.  I want my babies. I want them.  I wish they were here with me. No one wants to hear about them anymore.  Not strangers, not my friends, not people in my everyday life.  I'm supposed to be done, I guess, after seven weeks.  I want to share my babies with the world.  I want them to matter.  I don't want them to be stuck in time, but that's what's going to happen.  Time will move forward, they never will.  The people that remember them now won't in time.

Moving forward.  How do you even do that when they can't come with you?

If I do conceive again, people really will expect me to forget.  I'll never forget. NEVER.  They are mine, but only mine and no one elses.  What if I don't conceive again?  I'm scared it won't work, that was lucky those two times only.  I know the odds are for me when it worked twice, but I dunno.  The odds were for me they'd make it, but they didn't.

My heart is full of pain.  There's been some triggers this week.  Some say I'm not ready to try again.  What does ready even mean?  That I stop missing them?  That I stop crying?  I'm not sleeping at night anymore.  I'm so tired.  I'm so broken.  I miss my children.  I miss them.  I want to hold them.  I want to sing to them.  I wish I knew I was going to that hospital to say goodbye. I would've worn them. I would've brought my wrap and worn them and been close.  I wish I could have those two days back and be with them.

It just hurts so much.  Right now I'm in so much pain and no one cares and I'm alone without my babies.

4 comments:

  1. U grieve as long as u want. Dont allow others to tell u otherwise. Ready can mean different things to different people. Just do what is best for u.

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  2. Your feelings are so normal hon. I agree grieve as long as you need to in any shape and form it comes it. It does feel like the world moves on and it is isolating. You are not alone. There are so many mamas that are dealing with this silent grief. It's not fair It's messy. It hurts and comes in the most insane waves. Keep on doing what you are doing. Write it out. Cry it out. Face those waves head on. You are are a superhero mama-hardly any moms have to walk this route and it takes insane strength to get out of bed. <3

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  3. I remember this well. The feeling like everyone wants you to stop crying and move on. Forget. Get over it. You won't get over it, you lost children. Unfortunately people don't really understand because they haven't had to go through birthing and cremating their babies. It is unimagnable. You aren't alone even though it feels so. I'm sorry you don't have your hubby right now, it's another unfortunate part of this loss. Men also deal differently and the pain can pull you apart sometimes. Grieve as you need and hopefully tomorrow will bring a little peace. I'm so sorry. Your kids aren't forgotten.

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  4. I still cry for my little one- I cried just yesterday and it's been nearly 4 years (I conceived- my only success TTC naturally- 4 years ago next month). I have a rainbow son- he lessens the pain from my worry that I'd never be a mom, but I don't miss my first baby LESS because I have a living child. You never "get over it" , and mourning doesn't automatically mean you shouldn't (or should) TTC again. They are separate.

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