I'm just rambling. I'm just broken in my heart and just struggling. I've been falling apart more and more piece by piece this whole week. Acupuncture didn't even help. I'm just sitting here with so much in my heart, my head, and it's all in me. I have no way to get it out. I even just fought with my husband. I feel so alone right now. Usually I have my husband, but right now I don't. Not with this. I face this alone. Moments like this I hate him.
I miss my kids. I want my babies. I want them. I wish they were here with me. No one wants to hear about them anymore. Not strangers, not my friends, not people in my everyday life. I'm supposed to be done, I guess, after seven weeks. I want to share my babies with the world. I want them to matter. I don't want them to be stuck in time, but that's what's going to happen. Time will move forward, they never will. The people that remember them now won't in time.
Moving forward. How do you even do that when they can't come with you?
If I do conceive again, people really will expect me to forget. I'll never forget. NEVER. They are mine, but only mine and no one elses. What if I don't conceive again? I'm scared it won't work, that was lucky those two times only. I know the odds are for me when it worked twice, but I dunno. The odds were for me they'd make it, but they didn't.
My heart is full of pain. There's been some triggers this week. Some say I'm not ready to try again. What does ready even mean? That I stop missing them? That I stop crying? I'm not sleeping at night anymore. I'm so tired. I'm so broken. I miss my children. I miss them. I want to hold them. I want to sing to them. I wish I knew I was going to that hospital to say goodbye. I would've worn them. I would've brought my wrap and worn them and been close. I wish I could have those two days back and be with them.
It just hurts so much. Right now I'm in so much pain and no one cares and I'm alone without my babies.