This morning I met with my RE. He is just an awesome and wonderful person. I'm really lucky to have a great team of providers. I really am.
Even though I'm the one who feels like I let him down, he apologized that this happened. He said what everyone says that it isn't my fault. I was so scared to see him because more than anyone I feel he gave me a gift and I didn't take good care of it. He gave me my kids-the best thing I've ever gotten in my whole life and two are gone. He told me this stuff just happens and it's out of everyone's control. He said there was no way for any doctor to watch it or for me and that almost always by the time you catch it, it's too late. It just happens to fast. He even had a uterus to demonstrate it.
Anyways, after we talked about what happened, we talked about where to go from here. He said he doesn't really see a reason to wait to try again. He said he wants to do a saline sono to make sure my tubes and uterus are clear, run a few labs, but then the cycle after I can do a Femara/inj combo if I'm ready. A lot sooner than I honestly expected.
So, am I ready?
If this works and I conceive again, I worry about being judged about TTC so soon after I lost the twins. But here's what I come back to. Unfortunately and sadly, they are gone. There is nothing I can do to bring them back. Waiting or not won't bring them back. I'd wait forever if it would.
I am 34.5 years old. I have infertility. I've never, ever conceived on my own and even though anything is possible, it's not very likely. I've been lucky to conceive three healthy children on my first injection cycle. I hope I'm lucky a third time, but I don't know. Katie is 19 mos this week and I wanted her to grow up with siblings close in age. I still do.
When I list it logically, I don't see the benefit of waiting. I'm still going to grieve and miss my twins whether or not another child may join my family. Waiting could mean the diff between having another living child or not.
I'm very mixed on this. I want my twins, but I can't have them. I have to wait and be with them later. 7 weeks of missing Emma and Chase. Oh how I miss you and how I want you. I'm sorry this happened to them, to me, to all of us.