Monday, July 13, 2015

RE Consult

This morning I met with my RE.  He is just an awesome and wonderful person.  I'm really lucky to have a great team of providers. I really am.

Even though I'm the one who feels like I let him down, he apologized that this happened.  He said what everyone says that it isn't my fault.  I was so scared to see him because more than anyone I feel he gave me a gift and I didn't take good care of it.  He gave me my kids-the best thing I've ever gotten in my whole life and two are gone.  He told me this stuff just happens and it's out of everyone's control.  He said there was no way for any doctor to watch it or for me and that almost always by the time you catch it, it's too late. It just happens to fast.  He even had a uterus to demonstrate it.

Anyways, after we talked about what happened, we talked about where to go from here. He said he doesn't really see a reason to wait to try again.  He said he wants to do a saline sono to make sure my tubes and uterus are clear, run a few labs, but then the cycle after I can do a Femara/inj combo if I'm ready.  A lot sooner than I honestly expected.

So, am I ready?

If this works and I conceive again, I worry about being judged about TTC so soon after I lost the twins.  But here's what I come back to.  Unfortunately and sadly, they are gone.  There is nothing I can do to bring them back.  Waiting or not won't bring them back.  I'd wait forever if it would.

I am 34.5 years old.  I have infertility. I've never, ever conceived on my own and even though anything is possible, it's not very likely.  I've been lucky to conceive three healthy children on my first injection cycle.  I hope I'm lucky a third time, but I don't know.  Katie is 19 mos this week and I wanted her to grow up with siblings close in age. I still do.

When I list it logically, I don't see the benefit of waiting.  I'm still going to grieve and miss my twins whether or not another child may join my family. Waiting could mean the diff between having another living child or not.

I'm very mixed on this.  I want my twins, but I can't have them.  I have to wait and be with them later. 7 weeks of missing Emma and Chase.  Oh how I miss you and how I want you.  I'm sorry this happened to them, to me, to all of us.


  1. The only one who knows if it's time or not. Are you & your husband. Anyone else who comments and/or judges is out of line. My comments have been minimal because it's hard to comment from my phone, but I hope youve felt my love. Xoxo you're a great Mommy.

  2. There is no set time to grieve. Just know that passing their due date will be hard and you may grieve more than you thought, passing the day that they passed will be hard. I've seen both, friends who miscarried and were pregnant within a couple cycles and friends who had trouble conceiving and waited longer. We both grieved the difference if one way was easier than the other. You have to do what's best for your family!

  3. Don't ever worry what others think about you or your decisions. Especially those who have never gone through the loss of a baby or babies. Whatever your decision, I hope it brings you some peace and hope.

  4. Do not let other peoples judgement sway ur decision to try again or wait. The choice is up to u and ur husband. We are here to support u in whatever route u take.

  5. It took me 15 months to conceive after my loss. I would have liked to conceive right away. I view TTC completely separately from mourning. I always want my first child to be here and healthy, but that will never happen, so I try to build my living family.

  6. When I held Jude after delivering him, all I knew more than ever was I wanted to parent his living siblings here on earth. In my personal experience, the sooner the better-it would NEVER replace Jude and brinly but I knew the HOPE on having one of their little siblings on the way would ease the pain and help start the healing process. for me it did. <3

  7. I went through all of these thoughts. You still have a little time to think about it so don't put pressure on yourself until the time comes. The only thing to perhaps think about is whether you feel healed and strong enough emotionally to handle a pregnancy while still in this phase of grief. I waited 6 months and it was still hard and nerve wracking. After I got through the first 24 weeks, I think it began to feel healing in it's own way. You know what you want and you will know when it's the right time for you.