I feel trapped in a prison. I don't know how to break out of it. Truth is, I don't even know if I want to be. I did this to them. Why should I feel any different? In my head I think I know I didn't "do" it, but in my heart I can't accept words like "fluke" or "just", what do you mean it just happened to them? Why them? Why not the bad people of this world? Why innocent babies? Why is their life gone? Why is this my blog and not a 25 week post?
There's this amazing Etsy shop called The Midnight Orange. I want to order from them and I will probably get this piece because I can't stop looking at it and even if the day comes when I no longer feel like this, I'll never forget this feeling.
This picture summarizes everything. THIS is how I feel. Where do I go from there?
Back to my OP appt. I can now swim, take a bath, have sex, pretty much just go back to "normal". What is "normal" anymore? Anyways, the pathology showed what I expected. 2 healthy babies, nothing wrong with them, other than this body. No idea where my infection came from or what happened. An infection hit my blood stream and ended up in their water, the amniotic fluid, and my water broke and they are gone. A few sentences explaining the magnitude and destruction of their life, of my life, Katie's, David's, and lives that should've been touched and affected by their presence, but will never be.
My OB said he's more than happy to talk to my RE and work with him. That I can call anytime and not have to come into the office and see pregnant women. He's a really great man. He asked about my emotional health and gave me a huge hug. A few times. I can just tell he cares. He's happy to run any tests, etc. He said I can TTC now if I want and it's up to my RE when he's willing to do another treatment. Part of me is ready to get going, part of me wants nothing to do with it. Nothing will replace what I lost. If I didn't have Katie I might give up, stop, and learn to accept life. However, I still want my living child to have a living sibling. It's important to me. I have a consult with my RE on Monday the 13th at 9:00 am. We'll see from there what to do, what he says, what he thinks. I'm trying to see my acupuncturist too to help my body get back to normal.
If it's not obvious yet, I'm in a million difference places at one time. I know I'm not okay, but not sure what okay means to be honest. I get up every day, take care of my daughter, go to work if I'm working, if not I do other stuff. I'm not happy, but I don't cry every second of every day. My emotions started to really not be normal, so I had to get off the busiporne since it was starting to mess me up and give me other emotional issues, so now I'm not on anything. I'm just trying to figure it out. I hope I can see my acupuncturist tomorrow.
I did want to note one weird dream I had last week. I dreamt that instead of twins, I had triplets. Only the triplet wasn't found until later and was born in June, even though I knew I was due in Oct. She has a healthy term girl (gotta love dreams, an Oct baby born in June that is term.....) and her name was Anna Belle. I felt good waking up from that, like I was being given a gift. I dunno, the mind is weird. I had peace for a few hours that day. It always comes crashing back though.