Monday, July 6, 2015

six weeks post-partum

I'm six weeks post-partum today and I had my appointment with the OB.  The past week has been hard and in general I struggle every day.  The 4th of July was really nice.  My whole family ended up coming over at the last minute and we drank, grilled, listened to music, and popped some fireworks.  Had a really good time.  And then yesterday I felt guilty and hateful towards myself.  How dare I even think of enjoying anything when they can't?  When they are gone?  When I did this to them and they will never feel or anything anything?

I feel trapped in a prison.  I don't know how to break out of it.  Truth is, I don't even know if I want to be.  I did this to them.  Why should I feel any different?  In my head I think I know I didn't "do" it, but in my heart I can't accept words like "fluke" or "just", what do you mean it just happened to them?  Why them?  Why not the bad people of this world?  Why innocent babies?  Why is their life gone?  Why is this my blog and not a 25 week post?

There's this amazing Etsy shop called The Midnight Orange.  I want to order from them and I will probably get this piece because I can't stop looking at it and even if the day comes when I no longer feel like this, I'll never forget this feeling.

This picture summarizes everything.  THIS is how I feel. Where do I go from there?

Back to my OP appt. I can now swim, take a bath, have sex, pretty much just go back to "normal".  What is "normal" anymore?  Anyways, the pathology showed what I expected. 2 healthy babies, nothing wrong with them, other than this body. No idea where my infection came from or what happened. An infection hit my blood stream and ended up in their water, the amniotic fluid, and my water broke and they are gone.  A few sentences explaining the magnitude and destruction of their life, of my life, Katie's, David's, and lives that should've been touched and affected by their presence, but will never be.

My OB said he's more than happy to talk to my RE and work with him.  That I can call anytime and not have to come into the office and see pregnant women. He's a really great man.  He asked about my emotional health and gave me a huge hug.  A few times.  I can just tell he cares.  He's happy to run any tests, etc.  He said I can TTC now if I want and it's up to my RE when he's willing to do another treatment.  Part of me is ready to get going, part of me wants nothing to do with it.  Nothing will replace what I lost.  If I didn't have Katie I might give up, stop, and learn to accept life.  However, I still want my living child to have a living sibling.  It's important to me.  I have a consult with my RE on Monday the 13th at 9:00 am.  We'll see from there what to do, what he says, what he thinks.  I'm trying to see my acupuncturist too to help my body get back to normal. 

If it's not obvious yet, I'm in a million difference places at one time.  I know I'm not okay, but not sure what okay means to be honest.  I get up every day, take care of my daughter, go to work if I'm working, if not I do other stuff.  I'm not happy, but I don't cry every second of every day.  My emotions started to really not be normal, so I had to get off the busiporne since it was starting to mess me up and give me other emotional issues, so now I'm not on anything.  I'm just trying to figure it out.  I hope I can see my acupuncturist tomorrow.

I did want to note one weird dream I had last week.  I dreamt that instead of twins, I had triplets.  Only the triplet wasn't found until later and was born in June, even though I knew I was due in Oct.  She has a healthy term girl (gotta love dreams, an Oct baby born in June that is term.....) and her name was Anna Belle.  I felt good waking up from that, like I was being given a gift.  I dunno, the mind is weird.  I had peace for a few hours that day.  It always comes crashing back though.


  1. You get up each morning, that is the hardest part. You are brave, you are still mothering your little love AND your sweet twins. 1 day at a time. I agree that when I lost the twins all I could think about was the rainbow baby. My little boys now do not replace Jude and Brinly, but I'm able to pour all that love I had for the twins onto them and there is very little room for sadness. Love to you sweet mama.

  2. One of the worst things about this kind of loss is that there is no reason enough to satisfy us. We want answers beyond what can be answered. You know the medical reason, but it's not enough. Why do some people have similar problems in pregnancy without the same awful outcome you had? It's unfair, and it's human nature to want to keep asking "Why them? Why me?" I blamed my body for my losses, too. I wondered if my poor nutritional choices when I was younger caused me to have crappy eggs. But here's the thing, no matter what caused my babies to not make it, it was out of my control. I would have done anything to change it, but it wasn't an option. That's why I wish you could let go of the blame. What happened with your body was out of control. You did what you could, but you could not have changed the outcome. You would have done anything in this world to change things, but it wasn't in your control. Therefore, you can't blame yourself. You would never blame me or someone with an incompetent cervix or a clotting disorder for losing our babies. Yes, it happened in our bodies, but it is not our fault. I know it takes time to come to that realization, but I hope you'll try to think on that every day until you can start to believe it. It is the truth. What you're telling yourself is not.