Friday, July 17, 2015

This morning

Last night was bad and the pain was unimaginable. I sleep in a different room than my husband because he has a severe snoring issue we are working on and I already have trouble sleeping.

I grabbed my bears-the ones that represent my twins with weight and size, and held them both together.  Something I never got to do in real life.  I cried and cried and cried.  I thought about them, about my entire pregnancy, delivery, and the day I got with each one at the hospital.  I thought about how the future would've been.  I read for a bit while holding them.  Trying to read a grief book called Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. I keep rereading the first chapter though because for some reason I'm having trouble comprehending the book.  Then I fell asleep with both of them.  I slept for a few hours.  I also wore a necklace given to me in their memory.  Has their names engraved along with two pears-pink and blue. I woke up this morning and kissed them and put them by the urn where they go.  I'm still wearing the necklace, but I'll have to take it off soon since K will grab it and we're going to the beach today.

I'm numb this morning.  I'm sad and broken.  I don't know why my husband isn't there.  I don't know why he sees my pain and gets mad at me. He came home and I told him today I was struggling.  I haven't been the nicest, but not horrible either.  Just short and sad, so sad.  We've been together 18 years, married for 10.  Our 10 year anniversary we went out to dinner and toasted to what we thought was a perfect life.  We had money issues, so we ate on a gift card, but so what?  Money comes and money goes.  We had our daughter and in a few months would have our twins and yes, it was going to be rough at first, but then it would be just fine.  Except it wasn't and it isn't and I don't know that it's ever going to be.

What to do?  Do I leave?  Do I try to have another so that K has a full sibling and once things settle then leave?  Will it get better?

I'm not looking forward to spending 90 min to 2 hrs in the car with him this morning to what we call the beach around here. Meeting my sister and her family for lunch and then a few hours in the water and then going home.

I am empty on the inside.

2 comments:

  1. Unless there were major issues in your relationship before, this is likely an effect of the stress and sadness going on in your relationship. From personal experience I would recommend a couples councilor specializing in IF and loss.Like anything, don't make any major decisions when you're dealing with a major trauma.

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  2. Losing babies is hard on a marriage. That being said I think a counselor is a great idea for both of you. Husbands don't usually have the same empathy as other women when it comes to losing a baby. They didn't carry the baby/babies and they didn't feel 'pregnant'. I know your hubby is trying to be strong for you and it seems like on your good days you can see that. You are truly still in the thick of this, it does get better but it takes time. I had an older nurse I worked with tell me that it's 'tincture of time' as her eyes teared up from a loss 30 years ago. I am coming up on the 4 year mark for my loss and I still tear up when I think about the days it took me to miscarry and how I felt. You will NEVER forget Emma and Chase, for all of your days you will remember them and cherish the time you carried them even as you mourn that they are not with you.

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