Saturday, July 25, 2015

Two Months

Has it really been two months?  It feels like forever ago they were with me and at the same time only yesterday.  I think about them every day and I miss them like crazy.  I ache to hold them, be with them, still be pregnant with them.  I'm starting to morph into a different person, but I'm unsure of who that person is.  Might be part of my withdrawal. I also don't want to hurt people I care about and who's friendship I value while I'm going through this, so I'm shying away into a little cocoon while I figure it out.  I don't want to hurt my friends or make them think I don't love or support them if I say something wrong, so right now I'm just keeping to myself. Most people don't seem to probe too much into how I feel so I think it's a mutual understanding.

Wednesday was a low for me, but Thursday and Friday I've felt okay. Yesterday I started to feel peace and today I woke up feeling very calm and peaceful. I'm going to enjoy it and think of it as a gift from my children.  I'm trying to focus on the happy and what I had with them.  The memories I'll continue to have with them, like the prayer flag I'll be making in their memory. 

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2015/06/august-19th-day-of-hope-the-prayer-flag-project.html

I'm excited to participate in this even, although I have no clue what I'm going to make or say or anything. I just trust it will come to me.  

I appreciate all the input through comments, messenger, PANs, etc about how I'm feeling and whether or not to TTC. I'll make my final decision when I get closer to that cycle.  I'm still waiting for AF and then I'll be doing the testing, so right now I'm looking to do treatment end of Aug/early Sept at the earliest, which puts me at 3 months after my loss. I know part of my anxiety and grieving is for the future as well as what I lost.  I desperately want to give my daughter a sibling. 

You have no idea how much the love and support means to me.  Although I'm mostly "hiding out", I actually need it more than ever right now.  I was so lost at the beginning it all seemed unreal and overwhelming.  Now it's reality.


2 comments:

  1. Always thinking of you family. Enjoy the moments of peace.

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  2. I totally understand you hiding out, and I do think there is a kind of understanding that happens. Those who know you know that we can ask how you're feeling, but the truth is, that can change a million times a day, and at the end of the day, you're heart will still be broken. It isn't going to magically be better one day, but it's always nice to hear about the moments that you feel more at peace. I think that is a great sign that healing is going on, no matter how slow a process it seems to be. I hope you know that I want to hear how you're doing, but I also don't want to constantly ask for updates on how you're feeling if it helps you to just take a step back from constantly analyzing your emotions. Whatever you need at any given moment, I'm in total support of that. I love you, my friend.

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