Sunday, August 30, 2015

Rough day

I've been tying to hang in there and mostly done okay, but right now just miss them so much. Right now my heart hurts.  I want my babies.

Saturday, August 29, 2015


'm a personal fan of babywearing. I have this amazing, independent daughter who doesn't cuddle much and this is a great way for us to get our cuddles, bond, and also I can easily carry her around in public when she'd rather not walk or it's safer not to. She's outgrown her infant carrier and needed something bigger.
During my search I came across the most perfect one. I wanted a Toddler Tula since the Standard Tula had worked so well for us. I wanted something in blue for her eyes. Then I saw it, the perfect carrier. I saw a custom Oscha Surya Toddler Tula. For those familiar with babywearing, you know how awesome that is (and expensive), for those who don't know babywearing, well, it's a custom carrier, meaning they're one of a kind type thing.
The seller happened to be a friend of mine and I fell in love with it before even seeing who the lister was. This carrier was the one I had to have because the Oscah Surya is a blue with a yellow sun on it. The blue was perfect for my blue eyed beauty and oh the sun. I had to have the sun. You see, a Sunshine baby is a baby born before a loss. I'd often called her my Sunshine and one of our nightly songs is You Are My Sunshine, but ever since the loss of Chase and Emma it's become even more special.
The people involved don't read my blog, but I thank both Laura and Elizabeth.  Oh and I had to get action shots right away. Forgive me lack of makeup, it's the weekend and I'm pretty casual.

Friday, August 28, 2015

The truth

I'm going to write something I've only recently been able to admit in my head.  Something that is so horrible.  Something I fear.  I have no place I feel okay writing this for fear of offending people and I'm sure the way many people feel about me about this post is going to change.  However, I'm going to say it because I need to admit it. I realize what kind of person I am to even think such a thing.

I'm 1 dpiui on a cycle I have no clue how it would end.  If there was at least one egg, the chances are decent, if not egg, then of course nothing.

This cycle has been so emotional. I can't even begin to describe the amount of guilt I feel.  The guilt that my body wasn't healthy enough for two beautiful and perfect children and it sent them to their deaths.  I've spent three months getting my body back to health to nurture another baby, a different one than my twins.  I made a choice to move forward while they never will.  They don't have any choices, they are dead.  They never had a choice.

However, I do.  A mere three months after I was discharged from the hospital I was being inseminated with another try. There's many reasons I chose to move forward when I did. My specific infertility dx, diminished ovarian reserve, puts me on a diff time limit than other infertility dx.  My response to this cycle has been worse than my last two and I think I'm on the decline of the ability to even conceive.  I may not even have much longer to even have eggs.  I'm not even sure I did this time and this is medicated.

I also want to see my daughter grow up with a live sibling. I want to see her fight and be friends and have secrets and get in trouble with a sibling.  I want to pull my hair out of my head and just go ugh!!!  Will they stop fighting already?  I want all the good and bad that comes with it.  I want the experience.  I want to mother more than one child and admire the differences between children conceived of the same parents.

Infertility has been a horrible journey.  Anyone who's been through it knows.  It's just plain horrible.  I want it done.  I want to close the TTC chapter.  I just don't have much more in me and I realize so many have been through worse, but the emotional toll has been so much.

Here's the ugly secret.  I'm scared to be pregnant because of how I might feel about this child.  I can honestly say I don't even know if I wan this cycle to work. I want Emma and Chase.  With ever fiber of my heart I want my children back.  That won't happen.  That I know.  They are gone.  Another child might happen.  What will I feel and how will I think?  Will I spend the pregnancy wishing it wasn't him or her but them?  What about after he/she is born?  What will it be like then?  Will I resent this baby for making it when my twins didn't.  Will I look at this baby and know their existence is only because two others died?  I was going to be done after the twins.  My family was going to be complete, except now I don't know if it is or isn't.

These thoughts make me sick about myself.  How dare i?  This is an innocent child that I'm struggling to bring into the world and these are the thoughts I'm having about a precious life, a precious baby.  I just don't know.

I know I'll spend the pregnancy in fear, ever moment will be scary, every moment I will fear that the child won't make it, that instead the child will join his/her twin siblings and not the living one.  Will I be so grateful this child made it?  Will I be so glad I get to have earth children in addition to angel children?  How will this child feel once they know they were conceived from a loss?

These thoughts keep me up, these thoughts keep me in tears, these thoughts make me realize what a truly horrible person I am.  That I don't deserve more children.  I probably don't deserve the one I have.  I've asked David to divorce me multiple times, to find a better mom for her, to find someone who will be everything she deserves because she is amazing.

I realize I won't be seen in whatever light I was seen in before.  I realize I've said one of the worse things I can say.  However, I felt like I had to put the truth out somewhere.

Thursday, August 27, 2015


So here we are, IUI day.  "Show time" as we call it.

I arrived to the clinic a little late due to some work drama (fun times).  DH went into his room and came back acting odd.  I asked what was wrong and he was snappy and said we'd talk later.  I'm like um....

Anyways, the front desk tells us it could take longer than usual to prep the sample because the first couple was late and therefore everyone is late.  I'm already upset over the e2 thing and knowing something went wrong with the collection process.

DH and I step out into the car and he tells me he missed the cup and very little made it in.  I'm now losing my shit.  I don't even know if I have an egg because of my stupid e2, now I may not have any semen, oh and I asked who's performing the IUI and the person who's done it previously no longer works Thursdays so she's out, and my RE left for his other clinic.  So as you can see nothing is going right and I'm already an emotional cray cray person.  I'm very visibly upset at the clinic and trying not to cry.  DH isn't a happy camper either.

I get to the room when the sample is ready and the coordinator wants to have a talk.  I just want to know the damn semen number.  Anyways, she has a long talk about why I feel this cycle is a bust.  I got into my spiel about the low e2 issue and how with two follicles I don't know that one is at 200 and  the other isn't.  Maybe both are under 200.  Maybe there's nothing, maybe there's something.  She told me she's very sure there's at least one egg there, that the hcg amped them up more, and they would've cancelled if they even had an inkling that this couldn't work.  Anyways, she was so sweet and encouraging that I relaxed and felt so much better as did DH.

IUI count was 19 mil!!  Highest ever.  Amazing considering....

So, I still don't feel great about my chances, but there's def sperm, maybe an egg, maybe a baby.  We'll see.  I'm emotionally trying to keep my shit together, but I'll be honest, lately it's just very, very hard.  I'm not doing very well and I feel like I'm failing in many areas of my life right now.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015


To say I've been a crazy person the past week would be an understatement.  Feelings I thought I've moved past have returned to me.  I went from mostly good days to fighting day by day, hour by hour, especially as I began fertility treatments again.

Feelings have ranged from guilt to how dare I move on when they can't, to why risk another baby in a body that just killed two, to guilt that I'm even alive.  I'd be lying if I said I wish some days I didn't even have Katie so I could just go die along with my babies. Again, I'm in no actual suicidal danger, it's just moments that are hard.  I want to believe they could be saved, I want to blame, since everything took place in my body, that is where the blame is.

I don't feel optimistic about this cycle.  I have two follicles with an e2 of 230.  The day prior the follies measured 22 each with a lining of 14.  That alone sounds amazing, but e2 indicates the eggs are immature, not ready, etc, but the follicles can't really get much bigger.  230 can mean one is mature, one isn't, maybe both aren't.  I'm not sure how the one number is spread across two follies.  I also know that after I trigger they can still grow before the IUI, so I dunno maybe one or both will be mature.  I honestly have no idea and I'm probably over thinking all of this.  I'm glad after tomorrow it's over.  Whatever happens, happens and I'v done my part on my end and DH will do his.  Whatever will be, will be.

Since I haven't had as many follicle checks this round due to how quickly my body responded, the cycle didn't cost as much as usual.  I have the potential of affording one more when/if this fails.  We'll see. I'm not going to worry about that right now.

Today I'm calmer, but I miss my babies so much.  My heart hurts they are not here.  Today marks 3 months since I lost Chase.  Thank you to anyone reaching out to me, to showing me you care, to showing that my babies matter.  I feel very ugly on the inside. Very undeserving of any kind of love, very undeserving of happiness.

Last night I had acupuncture and I talked to my acu for a bit.  I told him a lot of what I was feeling since he could tell I wasn't exactly okay. He told me that whatever happens beyond this life, they've moved forward too. My babies aren't standing in time, but they've also moved forward, like I'm trying to do.  I'd never considered that, but it gave me some peace. After he left the room and I was lying there with needles I cried and cried for them and for me and then just zoned out.

A friend made this for me today and I share it with pride.  It made me smile.  To anyone who remembers Emma and Chase and will continue to remember them, thank you!  They existed and they matter.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Update part 2

E2 is at 230. Trigger tonight at 10:30, iui Thurs at 10:30.

I'm very emotional, lots of thoughts right now.

Cycle update-part 1

I'll update part 2 once my e2 numbers come in today.  I spoke to the nurse when I got my blood drawn today. Basically, my e2 from yesterday was very, very bad considering my follicle size and lining.  It was 158 and should be at least double that and honestly, closer to 400.

Unless it's risen quite a bit today my cycle will be cancelled. The follicles are either empty or the eggs are immature.  We'll see what happens.  I have no control over anything.

Monday, August 24, 2015

3 months

So much emotion and so much I am feeling today.  Today marks 3 months since I went to the ER.  3 months since I found out I'd lose Emma and probably Chase.  3 months since I started to say goodbye.  I have felt so much in the last three months. I've had moments where I didn't think I could survive the next minutes, moments where I felt peace, moments of fear, moments of guilt, moments where I didn't know what to do with the future.

I find myself full of guilt and today a Still Standing article hit on the head.  The only exception is the author in this article is pregnant and I am not, although I might be soon.

Here is the article that resonates so clearly with me today:

I feel so much guilt about moving forward with a life that doesn't include Emma and Chase.  A life where Katie might grow up with a sibling that isn't them and have memories.  I wonder what roll will she play with the twins?  or a possible sibling?  Will Emma and Chase mean anything more to them than a story I tell them about a bother and sister that should've grown up with them, but didn't.  Will they think I'm crazy for carrying a piece of them in my heart forever?  How do I ever move forward without them.  I will never move on, but they will stay in time while life won't and isn't.

I'm doing a medicated cycle.  I had a bit of a mess up with the Gonal F pen for my first injections since I'm used to the vials and instead of 75 iu on my first night, I only injected 25 iu.  After a frantic call the following day to my RE he said just do 150 iu and I should be fine. Today I had my first follicle check.  Here's the rundown so far:

CD 3-7 Femara 5 mg
CD 6, Gonal F 25 iu, Menopur 75 iu
CD 7, Gonal F 150 iu, Menopur 75 iu
CD 8, Gonal F 75 iu, Menopur 75 iu

At my follicle check today I had two on my right and nothing on my left.  My right had two follies measuring 22 each and my lining was at a 14.  However, my E2 was only 158, so that's why I'm stimming again tonight.  I go in tomorrow for bloodwork only and we'll see from there.

So many emotions and honestly no matter how this cycle ends I feel sad.  Sad because Emma and Chase are will gone and will continue to be gone.  Oh how I miss them.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on my last post.  I don't know if it's all these meds, the grief, the guilt, or just everything combined, but I'm just in a very hard place and I can't thank you all enough for all the love and support.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Cycle Update

I debated even posting this because I honestly don't think many care.  I'm debating deleting/stopping my blog anyways. In general I just feel alone right now, which is fine, it just is what it is.

Anyhows...  I'm CD 4 today, starting my Femara yesterday.  Saturday I'll start Menopur and Gonal F 75 iu each and follie scan is Monday, CD 8 and then we'll go from there.

I'm feeling mostly blank.  I have no control over anything.  No control over if this works or doesn't work.  If it does work, no control if a live child is born.  I'm just numb and going through the motions right now.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Day of Hope-My Flags

Today is August 19th, CarlyMarie's Day of Hope and the day Prayer Flags are flown everywhere.

I'm not very creative and I'm not good at art stuff.  However, I really wanted to create something for Emma and Chase, so I tried.  I have to be honest, I'm proud of what we did.  I say "we", because I felt so peaceful working on it.  Like they were with me and we were doing this together.  This might sound weird to some people, but it's how I feel. This wasn't a sad thing, but a happy thing to do and I'm glad I did it.  Again, I know this is mediocre in the crafting world, but I'm proud of our very first flags.

Here is Emma's Flag

Here is Chase's Flag

These are the charms inside the hearts.

I put these in each pillow as a way to connect the two together.  I also used batting.

Dear Emma and Chase,

It's been 12 weeks.  In some ways I can't believe I'm coming on three months and in some ways it feels just like yesterday.  I think about you both every single day.  I talk to you and I miss you.  I still feel guilty for what happened, that my body failed you and that you're gone.  I hope with all my heart you don't hate me.  I used to think so, but I think it was me hating myself.  I don't feel that anymore, but I honestly don't know.  I hope you know that every single day, no matter what happens, I will carry you with me.  I don't regret one second or one moment I had with you, I just wish it had been so much more.  Thank you for all you've given me. Because of you I am a better person. I love you!


Saturday, August 15, 2015


I've been pretty sick this week and meant to do an update a few days ago, but honestly, I've just been about survival as the school year began and I was heading back to work, plus being sick.  I saw my RE on Wed.

My thyroid is normal, there's no issues.  My prolactin was pretty low, but that doesn't interfere with anything apparently, so it's a non-issue.  My AMH is .49.  Since 2011 when I was first dx with DOR it's moved around a bit anywhere from .24-.69, so this puts this number smack in the middle.  He ran a baseline since I was 6 dpo and I'm cleared of any cysts or issues.

So, this means I'm medically ready to move forward.  The plan is much the same.  Femara CD 3-7 5 mg.  On CD 6 I start Gonal F 75 iu and Menopur also 75 iu.  First follie check will be CD 8 and we move forward from there.

DH and I are arguing a bit.  Only follies on my right contain eggs, not the left, per my E2 and other blood work has shown.  With my first pregnancy I had one follie on my right-Katie.  With the twins, I had two on my right.  While so far all the follies on my right have resulted in pregnancies, that doesn't mean they always will necessarily.  I told DH I'm comfortable with up to two follies on the right, DH wants to cancel the cycle if more than one.  

Medically, if another pregnancy results in twins, no physician has strong concerns other than the regular concerns for anyone carrying multiples.  My PPROM was due to chorio-an infection.  Incredibly rare and would've had the same result regardless of the amount of babies I was carrying. I did have pre-term labor with Kate, but they did stop it and she did make it to term. I know I'll be well monitored.  My PTL also occurred at 33 weeks, so I don't have IC (incompetent cervix).  My RE said he wants to do a cerclage if I conceive.  I did some research on it, and I honestly don't see the point.  It can't stop PPROM and can't stop PTL.  It's really only good for IC, which I don't have and in some cases can raise the chance of infection, which is why I lost the twins in the first place.  I want more info on his thinking on that, but now isn't the time to really decide this.  As far as how many follies DH and I will allow since we're disagreeing, we've decided to just see where we went up and decide then.  I'm leaving it in his hands.  One is better than none, two gives me better odds. I think my RE is comfortable with up to three.

Emotionally.  I'm just terrified. Like seriously terrified. Both a BFN and BFP worry me for different reasons.  I've thought about just cutting my losses and gains, but then I look at Katie and I want to see her grow up with at least one sibling.  And not just for her, DH and I want to raise another child as well.  We truly enjoy being parents and know another child will just add to our lives.  

I'm trying to go with let go and let God since I have no control.  I'm not religious, but I do have faith so to speak.  I have no control over anything.  A medicated cycle either will or will not work. And if I do become pregnant it will either end in a live birth or it won't and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  Most is beyond my control.  What I can do, I will, but the longer l live, the more I see that it just isn't much.  

Another thing is the EDD of this cycle will be around the one year anniversary of Emma and Chase.  Again, not that it means anything.  They were due October 20th and I knew I was never going to make it to that point, although I clearly never expected May either.  It's just in the back of my mind that I might need to consider celebrating a live child along with nonliving, I'll worry about it later if I need to. 

Monday, August 3, 2015

The start of the Prayer Flags

I've been stumped on what to do for my Prayer Flags for the twins.  I watched a video on CarlyMarie on FB and felt inspired.  I also went to Hobby Lobby with a friend and browsed to see what I could find.  I have a few ideas on what to do with all this material, but not sure 100%.  I'll see how it comes to me as I work on it.

For now, let me share some of my goodies.

Here's all the supplies together that I got today

A better look a the fabric.  The actual flags will be made out of the pink and blue chevron cloth.  I think it's easy to guess which one is Emma's and which one will be for Chase.

Here's the other supplies.  The birds just called to me to do something with them.  Also the yarn is to hang the flag. The charms, two of them say love and the other two are two peas in a pod.  I also have gold fringe and iron on letters.

It felt good to just look for something that's just for them.  My friend kept telling me what do you feel when you think of them.  This is a hard project because right now I feel pain and wonder, I don't "know" them.  Right now all I think of is what I lost.  I'm hoping this project helps me bond with them.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Always something....

I'm pretty proud of myself.  I honestly say that in the past week I've been "okay", no mental breakdowns, not a lot of crying (other than the bunny incident), I've been able to genuinely enjoy the time with my daughter, and even connect with a few friends that I've been feeling distant from. The only bad thing has been sleep.  I've hardly slept at all and it's getting worse.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I had my sono saline and bloodwork with my RE's office.  The person doing it was the nurse practitioner.  Last time I saw her she did the ultrasound where I found out I was having twins. She's also the nurse who did my IUI for both Katie and the twins. For some reason it escped my mind that I was having to do an ultrasound and that it was going to be my first one since I lost them.

I remember my last two ultrasounds.  Well, my last 3.  The one where I went in for bleeding and was told they couldn't locate the source and that I was okay.  A full week before I lost Emma.  The second to last ultrasound was in the ER after my water broke.  When I saw two living children and then was told I'd lose one for sure and most likely both.  Then the last ultrasound.  The one after I stabilized after losing Emma and was still pregnant with Chase and I saw him and made sure he was okay.

Then yesterday, knowing that my uterus was empty and I was going to see it.  I had a panic attack and cried the whole way there.  Just thinking about and missing my babies. Thinking about what I was going to see and while I know I want everything to be clear and no issues, just wishing they were still there.  Mary, the NP was so sweet.  She gave me a hug and said she didn't know this happened to me and she asked me to tell her everything so I did.  She asked if I was ready to do testing and do treatment and I told her I honestly don't even know what that means.  I've been stable and I'm not sure what ready means.  I'll grieve them forever, but I am functioning.

Anyways, my ultrasound was clear and looked like it should.  My well-woman exam was also due so I said go ahead with it while I was there.  Well, that's where things didn't go perfect.  She felt on my neck and told me I had a goiter, aka enlarged thyroid.  She asked if that's ever happened before and I said no.  She said before anything it must be checked out.  They drew a lot of labs and I know that included all the thyroid stuff, but I also have to have an ultrasound on it to get it looked at.  I called yesterday and have an appt scheduled on Thursday to get it looked at.  It could be something, it could be nothing, we'll see.