So much emotion and so much I am feeling today. Today marks 3 months since I went to the ER. 3 months since I found out I'd lose Emma and probably Chase. 3 months since I started to say goodbye. I have felt so much in the last three months. I've had moments where I didn't think I could survive the next minutes, moments where I felt peace, moments of fear, moments of guilt, moments where I didn't know what to do with the future.
I find myself full of guilt and today a Still Standing article hit on the head. The only exception is the author in this article is pregnant and I am not, although I might be soon.
Here is the article that resonates so clearly with me today: http://stillstandingmag.com/2015/08/remember-3/
I feel so much guilt about moving forward with a life that doesn't include Emma and Chase. A life where Katie might grow up with a sibling that isn't them and have memories. I wonder what roll will she play with the twins? or a possible sibling? Will Emma and Chase mean anything more to them than a story I tell them about a bother and sister that should've grown up with them, but didn't. Will they think I'm crazy for carrying a piece of them in my heart forever? How do I ever move forward without them. I will never move on, but they will stay in time while life won't and isn't.
I'm doing a medicated cycle. I had a bit of a mess up with the Gonal F pen for my first injections since I'm used to the vials and instead of 75 iu on my first night, I only injected 25 iu. After a frantic call the following day to my RE he said just do 150 iu and I should be fine. Today I had my first follicle check. Here's the rundown so far:
CD 3-7 Femara 5 mg
CD 6, Gonal F 25 iu, Menopur 75 iu
CD 7, Gonal F 150 iu, Menopur 75 iu
CD 8, Gonal F 75 iu, Menopur 75 iu
At my follicle check today I had two on my right and nothing on my left. My right had two follies measuring 22 each and my lining was at a 14. However, my E2 was only 158, so that's why I'm stimming again tonight. I go in tomorrow for bloodwork only and we'll see from there.
So many emotions and honestly no matter how this cycle ends I feel sad. Sad because Emma and Chase are will gone and will continue to be gone. Oh how I miss them.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on my last post. I don't know if it's all these meds, the grief, the guilt, or just everything combined, but I'm just in a very hard place and I can't thank you all enough for all the love and support.