I'm pretty proud of myself. I honestly say that in the past week I've been "okay", no mental breakdowns, not a lot of crying (other than the bunny incident), I've been able to genuinely enjoy the time with my daughter, and even connect with a few friends that I've been feeling distant from. The only bad thing has been sleep. I've hardly slept at all and it's getting worse.
Yesterday was a tough day for me. I had my sono saline and bloodwork with my RE's office. The person doing it was the nurse practitioner. Last time I saw her she did the ultrasound where I found out I was having twins. She's also the nurse who did my IUI for both Katie and the twins. For some reason it escped my mind that I was having to do an ultrasound and that it was going to be my first one since I lost them.
I remember my last two ultrasounds. Well, my last 3. The one where I went in for bleeding and was told they couldn't locate the source and that I was okay. A full week before I lost Emma. The second to last ultrasound was in the ER after my water broke. When I saw two living children and then was told I'd lose one for sure and most likely both. Then the last ultrasound. The one after I stabilized after losing Emma and was still pregnant with Chase and I saw him and made sure he was okay.
Then yesterday, knowing that my uterus was empty and I was going to see it. I had a panic attack and cried the whole way there. Just thinking about and missing my babies. Thinking about what I was going to see and while I know I want everything to be clear and no issues, just wishing they were still there. Mary, the NP was so sweet. She gave me a hug and said she didn't know this happened to me and she asked me to tell her everything so I did. She asked if I was ready to do testing and do treatment and I told her I honestly don't even know what that means. I've been stable and I'm not sure what ready means. I'll grieve them forever, but I am functioning.
Anyways, my ultrasound was clear and looked like it should. My well-woman exam was also due so I said go ahead with it while I was there. Well, that's where things didn't go perfect. She felt on my neck and told me I had a goiter, aka enlarged thyroid. She asked if that's ever happened before and I said no. She said before anything it must be checked out. They drew a lot of labs and I know that included all the thyroid stuff, but I also have to have an ultrasound on it to get it looked at. I called yesterday and have an appt scheduled on Thursday to get it looked at. It could be something, it could be nothing, we'll see.