Saturday, August 1, 2015

Always something....

I'm pretty proud of myself.  I honestly say that in the past week I've been "okay", no mental breakdowns, not a lot of crying (other than the bunny incident), I've been able to genuinely enjoy the time with my daughter, and even connect with a few friends that I've been feeling distant from. The only bad thing has been sleep.  I've hardly slept at all and it's getting worse.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I had my sono saline and bloodwork with my RE's office.  The person doing it was the nurse practitioner.  Last time I saw her she did the ultrasound where I found out I was having twins. She's also the nurse who did my IUI for both Katie and the twins. For some reason it escped my mind that I was having to do an ultrasound and that it was going to be my first one since I lost them.

I remember my last two ultrasounds.  Well, my last 3.  The one where I went in for bleeding and was told they couldn't locate the source and that I was okay.  A full week before I lost Emma.  The second to last ultrasound was in the ER after my water broke.  When I saw two living children and then was told I'd lose one for sure and most likely both.  Then the last ultrasound.  The one after I stabilized after losing Emma and was still pregnant with Chase and I saw him and made sure he was okay.

Then yesterday, knowing that my uterus was empty and I was going to see it.  I had a panic attack and cried the whole way there.  Just thinking about and missing my babies. Thinking about what I was going to see and while I know I want everything to be clear and no issues, just wishing they were still there.  Mary, the NP was so sweet.  She gave me a hug and said she didn't know this happened to me and she asked me to tell her everything so I did.  She asked if I was ready to do testing and do treatment and I told her I honestly don't even know what that means.  I've been stable and I'm not sure what ready means.  I'll grieve them forever, but I am functioning.

Anyways, my ultrasound was clear and looked like it should.  My well-woman exam was also due so I said go ahead with it while I was there.  Well, that's where things didn't go perfect.  She felt on my neck and told me I had a goiter, aka enlarged thyroid.  She asked if that's ever happened before and I said no.  She said before anything it must be checked out.  They drew a lot of labs and I know that included all the thyroid stuff, but I also have to have an ultrasound on it to get it looked at.  I called yesterday and have an appt scheduled on Thursday to get it looked at.  It could be something, it could be nothing, we'll see.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my. I remember that first ultrasound after the loss. It killed me to see an mostly empty uterus (apart from the crap calcifies placenta). I can completely imagine how you were feeling. My thoughts are with you about this thyroid issue.