To say I've been a crazy person the past week would be an understatement. Feelings I thought I've moved past have returned to me. I went from mostly good days to fighting day by day, hour by hour, especially as I began fertility treatments again.
Feelings have ranged from guilt to how dare I move on when they can't, to why risk another baby in a body that just killed two, to guilt that I'm even alive. I'd be lying if I said I wish some days I didn't even have Katie so I could just go die along with my babies. Again, I'm in no actual suicidal danger, it's just moments that are hard. I want to believe they could be saved, I want to blame, since everything took place in my body, that is where the blame is.
I don't feel optimistic about this cycle. I have two follicles with an e2 of 230. The day prior the follies measured 22 each with a lining of 14. That alone sounds amazing, but e2 indicates the eggs are immature, not ready, etc, but the follicles can't really get much bigger. 230 can mean one is mature, one isn't, maybe both aren't. I'm not sure how the one number is spread across two follies. I also know that after I trigger they can still grow before the IUI, so I dunno maybe one or both will be mature. I honestly have no idea and I'm probably over thinking all of this. I'm glad after tomorrow it's over. Whatever happens, happens and I'v done my part on my end and DH will do his. Whatever will be, will be.
Since I haven't had as many follicle checks this round due to how quickly my body responded, the cycle didn't cost as much as usual. I have the potential of affording one more when/if this fails. We'll see. I'm not going to worry about that right now.
Today I'm calmer, but I miss my babies so much. My heart hurts they are not here. Today marks 3 months since I lost Chase. Thank you to anyone reaching out to me, to showing me you care, to showing that my babies matter. I feel very ugly on the inside. Very undeserving of any kind of love, very undeserving of happiness.
Last night I had acupuncture and I talked to my acu for a bit. I told him a lot of what I was feeling since he could tell I wasn't exactly okay. He told me that whatever happens beyond this life, they've moved forward too. My babies aren't standing in time, but they've also moved forward, like I'm trying to do. I'd never considered that, but it gave me some peace. After he left the room and I was lying there with needles I cried and cried for them and for me and then just zoned out.
A friend made this for me today and I share it with pride. It made me smile. To anyone who remembers Emma and Chase and will continue to remember them, thank you! They existed and they matter.