Friday, August 28, 2015

The truth

I'm going to write something I've only recently been able to admit in my head.  Something that is so horrible.  Something I fear.  I have no place I feel okay writing this for fear of offending people and I'm sure the way many people feel about me about this post is going to change.  However, I'm going to say it because I need to admit it. I realize what kind of person I am to even think such a thing.

I'm 1 dpiui on a cycle I have no clue how it would end.  If there was at least one egg, the chances are decent, if not egg, then of course nothing.

This cycle has been so emotional. I can't even begin to describe the amount of guilt I feel.  The guilt that my body wasn't healthy enough for two beautiful and perfect children and it sent them to their deaths.  I've spent three months getting my body back to health to nurture another baby, a different one than my twins.  I made a choice to move forward while they never will.  They don't have any choices, they are dead.  They never had a choice.

However, I do.  A mere three months after I was discharged from the hospital I was being inseminated with another try. There's many reasons I chose to move forward when I did. My specific infertility dx, diminished ovarian reserve, puts me on a diff time limit than other infertility dx.  My response to this cycle has been worse than my last two and I think I'm on the decline of the ability to even conceive.  I may not even have much longer to even have eggs.  I'm not even sure I did this time and this is medicated.

I also want to see my daughter grow up with a live sibling. I want to see her fight and be friends and have secrets and get in trouble with a sibling.  I want to pull my hair out of my head and just go ugh!!!  Will they stop fighting already?  I want all the good and bad that comes with it.  I want the experience.  I want to mother more than one child and admire the differences between children conceived of the same parents.

Infertility has been a horrible journey.  Anyone who's been through it knows.  It's just plain horrible.  I want it done.  I want to close the TTC chapter.  I just don't have much more in me and I realize so many have been through worse, but the emotional toll has been so much.

Here's the ugly secret.  I'm scared to be pregnant because of how I might feel about this child.  I can honestly say I don't even know if I wan this cycle to work. I want Emma and Chase.  With ever fiber of my heart I want my children back.  That won't happen.  That I know.  They are gone.  Another child might happen.  What will I feel and how will I think?  Will I spend the pregnancy wishing it wasn't him or her but them?  What about after he/she is born?  What will it be like then?  Will I resent this baby for making it when my twins didn't.  Will I look at this baby and know their existence is only because two others died?  I was going to be done after the twins.  My family was going to be complete, except now I don't know if it is or isn't.

These thoughts make me sick about myself.  How dare i?  This is an innocent child that I'm struggling to bring into the world and these are the thoughts I'm having about a precious life, a precious baby.  I just don't know.

I know I'll spend the pregnancy in fear, ever moment will be scary, every moment I will fear that the child won't make it, that instead the child will join his/her twin siblings and not the living one.  Will I be so grateful this child made it?  Will I be so glad I get to have earth children in addition to angel children?  How will this child feel once they know they were conceived from a loss?

These thoughts keep me up, these thoughts keep me in tears, these thoughts make me realize what a truly horrible person I am.  That I don't deserve more children.  I probably don't deserve the one I have.  I've asked David to divorce me multiple times, to find a better mom for her, to find someone who will be everything she deserves because she is amazing.

I realize I won't be seen in whatever light I was seen in before.  I realize I've said one of the worse things I can say.  However, I felt like I had to put the truth out somewhere.

6 comments:

  1. Your thoughts sound completely normal and understandable to me, and I have not lost a child. I think every mom wonders whether she will love a second child as much as a first... but then, of course, they do. You deserve to heal and you deserve happiness. My wish for you is that you come to forgive yourself (not that you have anything to be forgiven for) and learn to love yourself. Loving yourself and loving a new child is not a betrayal of Chase and Emma. It is what they would want for you. You are their mother and they love you and want you to be happy.

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  2. Although I know it feels so awful and wrong to have those thoughts, they seem perfectly normal and natural to me. Of course you feel that way with what you have experienced. Don't be too hard on yourself for the complex emotions you must be going through. Have faith that you will be the best mom you can possibly be to all of your children, no matter if they are here with you or Angels. Sending you lots of hugs.

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  3. Amber we are human and these thoughts during a time like this are normal. My mother in law experienced a stillborn and when she conceived again she was scared but hopeful. Til this day her son is her baby, he was her last and the love she has for him is amazing. Ur emotions are raw right now but if u were to conceive ur body, mind & soul will change I'm sure of it. Don't feel guilty u are still grievin .

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  4. I didn't have a loss to the extent you did, but by baby, my first baby and the only one conceived with my own eggs, had died and when I did my second IVF a few months later, I knew my heart wasn't in it this time. I wanted Adam. I wanted him and I didn't want another baby. So my dear, your feelings are so normal. I have no advice, but wanted you to know you are not alone in your thinking and that by no means makes you a bad mama.

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  5. You are not horrible at all. I don't have the time to write, but you should have said something to me. If anyone understands these feelings it's me. My son came 6 months after my twins passed. I had all these thoughts and feelings. And I can ASSURE you that you will not wish this next baby was your twins. I can assure you that you will love them separate from your loss and past pregnancy. You will be nervous carrying again. It's inevitable. However I am proof that a spontaneous loss of babies doesn't mean a subsequent loss. Be kind to yourself my dear. These are completely normal and understandable feelings. You are not bad for thinking them.

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  6. Grief has so many twists and turns. You are allowed to feel whatever the heck you want and feel!!

    I know we are all different, but from my personal experience, I almost feel like I love my rainbow babies more. I didn't think that would be possible. When I found out I was pregnant with triplets, I was DONE and was going to defrost our 8 remaining embryos. I wanted those triplets bad and I loved them. When I miscarried 1 and went on with the twins, I loved them and imagined my whole life with them. When I had to say hello and goodbye to them in those god-aweful days, I wanted nothing more than to bring their siblings into this world.

    When I look at my rainbow babies now, I cannot imagine life without them. They NEVER could replace Jude and Brinly, I wanted them too, but like you say, in some odd way, it's true-I would have never had Noah and Beckom if it weren't for the loss of J and B. While I would have NEVER picked losing my twins, I truly cannot begin to imagine life without the boys I went on to have. We are so rooting for you and this fight to grow your family. I know your loves are proud of you for not stopping out of fear. <3

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