I'm going to write something I've only recently been able to admit in my head. Something that is so horrible. Something I fear. I have no place I feel okay writing this for fear of offending people and I'm sure the way many people feel about me about this post is going to change. However, I'm going to say it because I need to admit it. I realize what kind of person I am to even think such a thing.
I'm 1 dpiui on a cycle I have no clue how it would end. If there was at least one egg, the chances are decent, if not egg, then of course nothing.
This cycle has been so emotional. I can't even begin to describe the amount of guilt I feel. The guilt that my body wasn't healthy enough for two beautiful and perfect children and it sent them to their deaths. I've spent three months getting my body back to health to nurture another baby, a different one than my twins. I made a choice to move forward while they never will. They don't have any choices, they are dead. They never had a choice.
However, I do. A mere three months after I was discharged from the hospital I was being inseminated with another try. There's many reasons I chose to move forward when I did. My specific infertility dx, diminished ovarian reserve, puts me on a diff time limit than other infertility dx. My response to this cycle has been worse than my last two and I think I'm on the decline of the ability to even conceive. I may not even have much longer to even have eggs. I'm not even sure I did this time and this is medicated.
I also want to see my daughter grow up with a live sibling. I want to see her fight and be friends and have secrets and get in trouble with a sibling. I want to pull my hair out of my head and just go ugh!!! Will they stop fighting already? I want all the good and bad that comes with it. I want the experience. I want to mother more than one child and admire the differences between children conceived of the same parents.
Infertility has been a horrible journey. Anyone who's been through it knows. It's just plain horrible. I want it done. I want to close the TTC chapter. I just don't have much more in me and I realize so many have been through worse, but the emotional toll has been so much.
Here's the ugly secret. I'm scared to be pregnant because of how I might feel about this child. I can honestly say I don't even know if I wan this cycle to work. I want Emma and Chase. With ever fiber of my heart I want my children back. That won't happen. That I know. They are gone. Another child might happen. What will I feel and how will I think? Will I spend the pregnancy wishing it wasn't him or her but them? What about after he/she is born? What will it be like then? Will I resent this baby for making it when my twins didn't. Will I look at this baby and know their existence is only because two others died? I was going to be done after the twins. My family was going to be complete, except now I don't know if it is or isn't.
These thoughts make me sick about myself. How dare i? This is an innocent child that I'm struggling to bring into the world and these are the thoughts I'm having about a precious life, a precious baby. I just don't know.
I know I'll spend the pregnancy in fear, ever moment will be scary, every moment I will fear that the child won't make it, that instead the child will join his/her twin siblings and not the living one. Will I be so grateful this child made it? Will I be so glad I get to have earth children in addition to angel children? How will this child feel once they know they were conceived from a loss?
These thoughts keep me up, these thoughts keep me in tears, these thoughts make me realize what a truly horrible person I am. That I don't deserve more children. I probably don't deserve the one I have. I've asked David to divorce me multiple times, to find a better mom for her, to find someone who will be everything she deserves because she is amazing.
I realize I won't be seen in whatever light I was seen in before. I realize I've said one of the worse things I can say. However, I felt like I had to put the truth out somewhere.