Monday, September 28, 2015

Back to work

Today is my first day back to work.  I'm physically feeling a lot better than I was a week ago and for sure even when I came home from the hospital, but I'm still sore and still recovering, and now, thanks to antibiotics, dealing with a yeast infection as well.  But the physical pain is lessening and while it's good, it also means the emotional pain is increasing since I don't have the physical to focus on.  I'm not going to go into my emotional pain very much, because what's the point?  It seems to be causing more bad things for me than good things for me to talk about it. I hurt.  I hurt bad.  I don't see how I'll ever feel better is the gist and summary of it.  Is 2015 over yet?

Saturday, September 26, 2015

A plea for my BBC friends

If you're on BBC and you follow my blog, I entered an infant pic of Katie for a contest.  I think for votes.  Anyways, if you have a moment and don't mind:

Thursday, September 24, 2015

4 months...

Here is what I definitely didn't expect, 4 months after I waslked into that ER in May, I'd be discharged from the hospital once again.

Huh? My next blog I thought would be about my first counseling appointment. Instead, it's about how Monday, I had to be admitted to the hospital again and should be discharged this evening. After a weekend of fever, severe back pain, shakes, chills, and sweats, that also included a trip to minor emergency with a dx of kidney infection and given antibiotics, I only got worse. Monday morning I saw my pcp who sent me to a nearby hospital for a ct scan. CT scan showed a severe infection in the right kidney and l was admitted to the hospital. Only good thing I can say is that I'm at a diff hospital than May. Although that hospital was a lot better/nicer.

I've learned that the infection I have is E. coli. It's the most common kidney infection. I have spent most of this week in horrific pain. I've gone through hours upon hours of fever, shakes, chills, and sweats. I've currently been fever free since 4:00 am and right now it's 2:30 and this is the longest I've gone. Also no shakes, chills, or sweats since then, just some pain still and I'm very exhausted.

I've had a lot of diff thoughts and moods all week. All the way from
This Karma/punishment for killing my babies to just general fears that I can't remain healthy. Had the failed cycle worked, I woukdve lost another bath this week and I keep trying to remind myself I wasnt pregnant this time. I am now terrified and want more testing, like autoimmune, but I hear it doesn't give much info and isn't real helpful. I'm just scared that no matter what I do I seem unable to get and stay healthy. Right now I'm scared to ever get pregnant again. Right now honestly just very scared, confused, and lost.

I also, months ago, did expect to be hospitalized im Sept but to give birth, not to deal with this, so this is also making ne emotional and how quickly life turned and I just don't know it's ever going to be okay.

My pcp wants to run an u/s on my kidney in six weeks to make sure everything looks good and in meeting with my RE for a consult on 10/13 to discuss any further testing we can do, next steps, etc. I'm def not doing any medicated anything until the six week kidney scan at the earliest.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Medical and Emotional Update

RE Update: I met with my RE today to discuss the cycle and the next steps.  Let me begin with the damn coordinator pretty much lied to us.  She made it seem like we went from 11 million to 19 million sperm even though DH spilled most of the cup and that was a lie.  It was 19 million post wash, only 3.5 motile sperm.  Basically we had next to no sperm to work with.  On top of maybe I did or didn't have an egg to work with.  I don't see how this was even going to work.  It was an utter failure.

The good news is he doesn't see my FSH as a huge issue.  He says it's just consistent with DOR and what my body is.  He says FSH can fluctuate and honestly he's still very optimistic on my conception chances.  Since DH freaked out big time about the twin factor, my FSH for last cycle was lowered.  On the prior cycles it was 150 iu gonal f and then 75 iu menopur.  This time he only did 75 iu for both gonal f and monopur, so he's going to up it.  DH is fine with it and really feels like he caused our failure last cycle (he didn't), but anyways, that's the plan, along with Femara.

So, I call CD 1 for baseline.  CD 3-7 is Femara 5 mg.  Shots begin CD 6, my first follie check is CD 8 and we go from there.  I'm CD 6 today, so my guess is we'll begin end of Sept/early Oct and we'll see what happens.

PCP Update: I was so upset over my FSH increasing that I forgot to mention that my iron and hemoglobin are back to normal and I'm no longer anemic.  I'm still a the bottom of normal, but at least normal.  All my physical levels are normal and my body is now healthy again.

Emotional Update: I am NOT okay.  Not even slightly.  I am getting worse and worse every day.  Sinking more and more into despair and thoughts of self-harm are increasing. I'm starting to lose my ability to function and I don't feel like a good anything, I'm a shitty mom, friend, wife, daughter, etc. I've been trying to find a counselor and it's been mostly misses.  I finally had a hit and I have my first session next week on the 22nd.  I am so glad I'm going to see someone.  I wish it could be this week, but I'm hanging in there.  I'm hoping with all my heart that she's the right fit and maybe, just maybe I can climb out of this deep, dark hole I'm in and be the person my loved ones deserve.

Anyways, I figured I would do all the updates at once instead of a million diff blog updates.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Ovarian Reserve

I meet with my RE next week on the 16th, but it appears my DOR has gotten worse.  My FSH and E2 used to be normal.  My E2 in the low 20s (a bit low, but okay) and my FSH 6.9 (beautiful).  It was always my AMH that was low and my AFC.  Well, not anymore.  I asked for CD 3 labs today and while I don't have an updated AFC, my E2 is 26.6 (a little low, but not horrible) and my FSH went up to 10.4, which is considered "fair" and probably explains my response to this cycle.  I don't know anymore.  I guess I'll see what my RE says next week.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015


I was talking with a coworker who I consider more than just a workmate, but a wonderful friend.  She's been such a great support system for me.  I also talked to someone from a multiple loss support group I'm a part of and looked at some of the cognitive behavioral stuff and I realized something today.

I don't want to get better.  I don't want to be happy.  I don't deserve it and I feel it takes me away from my babies. How can I ever be happy or okay when they will never be?  This broken feeling, this pain, this is the closest to dead I can be and therefore it's the closest to them I can be.

I'm told by others that they are happy, that they understand what happened, that they love me and since they are okay in heaven, they need me to be okay on Earth, but how do I know?  How do I truly know and believe this?  I love them so much.  I want to believe this, but I pray for signs, for dreams, for something everyday and I get nothing.  I need them.

I tried some of the cognitive behavioral stuff, which got me thinking about my frame of thinking and made me realize I am stopping my own healing on purpose.  I might try some meditation, but I don't know how to get past this.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

updates and randomness

I'm not going to lie, it's been rough.  In may ways I've just gone backwards now.  Back into the darkness.  Back into trying to fight to survive my day.  I think about them nonstop, I look at Katie and don't feel worthy, I look at my husband and don't feel worthy.  I blame myself again.  I'm the baby killer and now I failed a cycle.

I know none of it is logical.  It's weird. I often know that what I think isn't right or normal, like the baby killer part.  I also think people don't like me or are tired of me or want me to go away.  I think most people feel that way about me now.  That I'm a tainted bad thing.  I don't know if that part is true or not.  It might be a bit, like people might be sick of me brooding already, but I don't know that people think I'm bad?  I don't know.  It's weird when the line between reality and perception gets blurred and that's where I feel I am right now.

I am sad the cycle didn't work. I knew my estrogen was off.  I meet with the RE next week to talk to him about it.  One thing he didn't do was run CD 3 since it has stayed the same for a couple of years, but I bet he will now in case my FSH, E2, or AFC has changed. I felt like I was betraying Emma and Chase a lot by even doing the cycle so I feel conflicted in some of my emotions.  Like you're still my babies, although they're still my babies even if I am pregnant.

I saw my PCP today.  Last time I saw her was a month after I lost them and I had a panic attack.  She gave me more Valium and we talked a bit.  She also ran bloodwork since last time she checked my levels it was very bad.  My iron was scary low and my hemoglobin stuff wasn't quite back yet either.  I think it will be fine this time. My REs office gave me a bit of crap about cancelling my beta, so I had her add it just so I can show my RE next week in case anyone tries to say anything to me.  I've been through this gamut long enough to know when it failed.  I will poas one more time tomorrow so I can stop progesterone in good faith and I hope AF comes soon.

I also tried calling the counselor I'd hoped to see.  She has no evening availability and I can't go during work.  She referred me to someone, but it took a lot for me to even do this.  However, my PCP gave me some resources I'll look into and I'm sharing them in case they can help someone else.  I honestly don't know who all reads this blog or who finds it, but I think more read it than I realize.

At the moment I feel kinda numb.  I think it's the valium.  I'm getting to the hard part, when we expected them to be here, alive, but they aren't and will never be.  I have to learn that this is life and I have to move forward.  I don't know why I seemed to be doing okay, but now I'm not again.  I hardly made it through my weekend, but one day or one moment at a time.  For now I'll try to go to bed.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Medicated Cycle #1 PP

I'm 11 dpiui today, 13 days past my trigger. I know this is early for some people, but my last two prior BFPs were at 9 dpiui and there's no indication whatsoever that this cycle worked.  Even how my cervix is situated is telling me on the progesterone is holding off the AF.

From this morning

Trigger fading into nothing

Closer look at this morning

I'll be cancelling my acupuncture appointments because I could really use the money, and honestly, I'm not doing better emotionally.  My physical health has returned and I'll go ahead and make an appt with the PCP to redo blood work to confirm all that, but pretty much I'm done until I'm ready to resume treatments.  I don't have the money for that right now. I may, however, seek counseling.  I'm not a good mom to my daughter, I'm not a good wife to my husband, and I'm not a good friend.  I'm barely keeping my shit together at work or at home and I'm going very much backwards in my emotional healing.

I'm back to fully blaming myself for their lives, especially when I look at pictures of me in early May, like Mother's Day, and how white I looked, how little I could do. I'm back to just crying all the time and basically popping valium all the time to make it through my day and just survive.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015


I feel like I can't function the past few days, I'd say since about Friday or Saturday.  I am filled with so much anger.  Just pure rage and anger and then despair and hopelessness.  I don't know what to do.  I know I'm taking it out on my husband.  I feel like a shit mom to my daughter.  I'm not mean to her or anything, but I'm just going through the motions.  I'm barely surviving my days at work.

I just want to disappear.  I want to hide or run away or just be gone.  I hate waking up in the morning, yet I have trouble going to bed at night.  I have so much hate and bitterness in my heart it consumes it and I don't know why I feel this way or how to make it go away.