Tuesday, September 1, 2015


I feel like I can't function the past few days, I'd say since about Friday or Saturday.  I am filled with so much anger.  Just pure rage and anger and then despair and hopelessness.  I don't know what to do.  I know I'm taking it out on my husband.  I feel like a shit mom to my daughter.  I'm not mean to her or anything, but I'm just going through the motions.  I'm barely surviving my days at work.

I just want to disappear.  I want to hide or run away or just be gone.  I hate waking up in the morning, yet I have trouble going to bed at night.  I have so much hate and bitterness in my heart it consumes it and I don't know why I feel this way or how to make it go away.


  1. I just found your blog and really could relate to all the feelings you are going through. I was diagnosed with DOR. 2007 my first IVF! Ended up pregnant with twins!!!!! I lost my daughter and son twins at 19w. Four months later got pregnant with a SET with my miracle daughter who came in this world at 27w weighing 1lb14oz. Went through a divorce and remarried in 2013. IVF #3 in 2014 I got pregnant with my daughter and delivered her at 23w. She lived for 16 days. I had IVF#4 March of this year and froze 3 embryos (they are still frozen). I am currently doing IVF #5 that we plan to freeze too. Honestly, I am scared to go through another loss but want my rainbow baby really bad. I am sorry you are going through this as I know how you feel.

  2. I'm sorry hon. This whole healing thing is such work. You will have setbacks and strides forward - it's ongoing for a while. Be kind to yourself mama. I know people say that all the time, but you need to give yourself a break. Remember to try to focus on the love and less on the anger whenever you can. It's almost something we have to train ourselves to do because it doesn't always feel natural. Take care.

  3. I just recently found your blog and want you to know how precious your words and your story are to so many of us. I am sorry for all that you have had to go through...I will continue to pray for you on this difficult journey.