Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Medical and Emotional Update

RE Update: I met with my RE today to discuss the cycle and the next steps.  Let me begin with the damn coordinator pretty much lied to us.  She made it seem like we went from 11 million to 19 million sperm even though DH spilled most of the cup and that was a lie.  It was 19 million post wash, only 3.5 motile sperm.  Basically we had next to no sperm to work with.  On top of maybe I did or didn't have an egg to work with.  I don't see how this was even going to work.  It was an utter failure.

The good news is he doesn't see my FSH as a huge issue.  He says it's just consistent with DOR and what my body is.  He says FSH can fluctuate and honestly he's still very optimistic on my conception chances.  Since DH freaked out big time about the twin factor, my FSH for last cycle was lowered.  On the prior cycles it was 150 iu gonal f and then 75 iu menopur.  This time he only did 75 iu for both gonal f and monopur, so he's going to up it.  DH is fine with it and really feels like he caused our failure last cycle (he didn't), but anyways, that's the plan, along with Femara.

So, I call CD 1 for baseline.  CD 3-7 is Femara 5 mg.  Shots begin CD 6, my first follie check is CD 8 and we go from there.  I'm CD 6 today, so my guess is we'll begin end of Sept/early Oct and we'll see what happens.

PCP Update: I was so upset over my FSH increasing that I forgot to mention that my iron and hemoglobin are back to normal and I'm no longer anemic.  I'm still a the bottom of normal, but at least normal.  All my physical levels are normal and my body is now healthy again.

Emotional Update: I am NOT okay.  Not even slightly.  I am getting worse and worse every day.  Sinking more and more into despair and thoughts of self-harm are increasing. I'm starting to lose my ability to function and I don't feel like a good anything, I'm a shitty mom, friend, wife, daughter, etc. I've been trying to find a counselor and it's been mostly misses.  I finally had a hit and I have my first session next week on the 22nd.  I am so glad I'm going to see someone.  I wish it could be this week, but I'm hanging in there.  I'm hoping with all my heart that she's the right fit and maybe, just maybe I can climb out of this deep, dark hole I'm in and be the person my loved ones deserve.

Anyways, I figured I would do all the updates at once instead of a million diff blog updates.


  1. I have found counseling so helpful. I hope that you found someone who will work with you. Unfortunately, I don't know you in real life, but I can say you are not a shitty blogger, and you're not a shitty virtual friend- and that count's for something. To Katie you are the best mom in the world (and just like I know I am not the best mom, I know you're not the best mom- but our kids don't know that). I hope you're about to be on the road to feeling better.

  2. I'm hopeful for you my dear. I know life feels like shit right now, but you will get through the ache. Talking to someone will help I think. Possibly think about medication if you are having unsafe feelings toward yourself. I know you have support which is important, but you need to find a way to forgive yourself. Take your time and work through it. None of it is your fault.

  3. I'm hopeful too. Way to take action to get help. What you just went through was literally hell on earth. I needed counseling too.