I was talking with a coworker who I consider more than just a workmate, but a wonderful friend. She's been such a great support system for me. I also talked to someone from a multiple loss support group I'm a part of and looked at some of the cognitive behavioral stuff and I realized something today.
I don't want to get better. I don't want to be happy. I don't deserve it and I feel it takes me away from my babies. How can I ever be happy or okay when they will never be? This broken feeling, this pain, this is the closest to dead I can be and therefore it's the closest to them I can be.
I'm told by others that they are happy, that they understand what happened, that they love me and since they are okay in heaven, they need me to be okay on Earth, but how do I know? How do I truly know and believe this? I love them so much. I want to believe this, but I pray for signs, for dreams, for something everyday and I get nothing. I need them.
I tried some of the cognitive behavioral stuff, which got me thinking about my frame of thinking and made me realize I am stopping my own healing on purpose. I might try some meditation, but I don't know how to get past this.