Tuesday, September 8, 2015

updates and randomness

I'm not going to lie, it's been rough.  In may ways I've just gone backwards now.  Back into the darkness.  Back into trying to fight to survive my day.  I think about them nonstop, I look at Katie and don't feel worthy, I look at my husband and don't feel worthy.  I blame myself again.  I'm the baby killer and now I failed a cycle.

I know none of it is logical.  It's weird. I often know that what I think isn't right or normal, like the baby killer part.  I also think people don't like me or are tired of me or want me to go away.  I think most people feel that way about me now.  That I'm a tainted bad thing.  I don't know if that part is true or not.  It might be a bit, like people might be sick of me brooding already, but I don't know that people think I'm bad?  I don't know.  It's weird when the line between reality and perception gets blurred and that's where I feel I am right now.

I am sad the cycle didn't work. I knew my estrogen was off.  I meet with the RE next week to talk to him about it.  One thing he didn't do was run CD 3 since it has stayed the same for a couple of years, but I bet he will now in case my FSH, E2, or AFC has changed. I felt like I was betraying Emma and Chase a lot by even doing the cycle so I feel conflicted in some of my emotions.  Like you're still my babies, although they're still my babies even if I am pregnant.

I saw my PCP today.  Last time I saw her was a month after I lost them and I had a panic attack.  She gave me more Valium and we talked a bit.  She also ran bloodwork since last time she checked my levels it was very bad.  My iron was scary low and my hemoglobin stuff wasn't quite back yet either.  I think it will be fine this time. My REs office gave me a bit of crap about cancelling my beta, so I had her add it just so I can show my RE next week in case anyone tries to say anything to me.  I've been through this gamut long enough to know when it failed.  I will poas one more time tomorrow so I can stop progesterone in good faith and I hope AF comes soon.

I also tried calling the counselor I'd hoped to see.  She has no evening availability and I can't go during work.  She referred me to someone, but it took a lot for me to even do this.  However, my PCP gave me some resources I'll look into and I'm sharing them in case they can help someone else.  I honestly don't know who all reads this blog or who finds it, but I think more read it than I realize.

At the moment I feel kinda numb.  I think it's the valium.  I'm getting to the hard part, when we expected them to be here, alive, but they aren't and will never be.  I have to learn that this is life and I have to move forward.  I don't know why I seemed to be doing okay, but now I'm not again.  I hardly made it through my weekend, but one day or one moment at a time.  For now I'll try to go to bed.


  1. Sorry. I meant to type more.. I new to your blog..I love that you are real and can show your true emotions. I can just feel your pain when you write... It must feel so lonely.. I also have been in the trenches just trying to stay alive.. Of course now it's a blur looking back.. Not even sure how I made it... Just wanted you to know that someone out there gets it... It may have a different ending than yours but I have felt that gut wrenching sickness... I am thinking of you and sending hugs your way.... I pray that you will become pregnant again and that it will be ok;)

  2. Sweet mama. you are allowed to grieve the way you need to. No rules. Nothing bad. You deal with the wave as they come. I'm sorry you are feeling so down, I hate that. I hate it so much.