I know none of it is logical. It's weird. I often know that what I think isn't right or normal, like the baby killer part. I also think people don't like me or are tired of me or want me to go away. I think most people feel that way about me now. That I'm a tainted bad thing. I don't know if that part is true or not. It might be a bit, like people might be sick of me brooding already, but I don't know that people think I'm bad? I don't know. It's weird when the line between reality and perception gets blurred and that's where I feel I am right now.
I am sad the cycle didn't work. I knew my estrogen was off. I meet with the RE next week to talk to him about it. One thing he didn't do was run CD 3 since it has stayed the same for a couple of years, but I bet he will now in case my FSH, E2, or AFC has changed. I felt like I was betraying Emma and Chase a lot by even doing the cycle so I feel conflicted in some of my emotions. Like you're still my babies, although they're still my babies even if I am pregnant.
I saw my PCP today. Last time I saw her was a month after I lost them and I had a panic attack. She gave me more Valium and we talked a bit. She also ran bloodwork since last time she checked my levels it was very bad. My iron was scary low and my hemoglobin stuff wasn't quite back yet either. I think it will be fine this time. My REs office gave me a bit of crap about cancelling my beta, so I had her add it just so I can show my RE next week in case anyone tries to say anything to me. I've been through this gamut long enough to know when it failed. I will poas one more time tomorrow so I can stop progesterone in good faith and I hope AF comes soon.
I also tried calling the counselor I'd hoped to see. She has no evening availability and I can't go during work. She referred me to someone, but it took a lot for me to even do this. However, my PCP gave me some resources I'll look into and I'm sharing them in case they can help someone else. I honestly don't know who all reads this blog or who finds it, but I think more read it than I realize.
At the moment I feel kinda numb. I think it's the valium. I'm getting to the hard part, when we expected them to be here, alive, but they aren't and will never be. I have to learn that this is life and I have to move forward. I don't know why I seemed to be doing okay, but now I'm not again. I hardly made it through my weekend, but one day or one moment at a time. For now I'll try to go to bed.