Friday, October 30, 2015

more rambles

So today I'm a bit calmer.  Still feeling like I could cry at the drop of a hat and feeling sensitive, but compared to yesterday, better.  I'm even having some anxiety, but I don't feel like the fight or flight that I think I was dealing with yesterday.

At work today I had someone ask me about my pregnancy.  This has happened a few times throughout the year since I go to many different schools and I was obviously pregnant in May and obviously not now.  In fact what catches everyone's attention is the extreme weight loss since then.  At any other time in my life that would be a good thing, but I'd trade in the weight loss in a heartbeat for them.  I've lost weight due to the two illnesses I've had and now the grief and depression.  I don't eat very much.  I think it also looks more extreme than what it is because I was pregnant and at 19 weeks with twins, you def look it so to go from that to normal, but with some weight loss is very noticeable.

Anyways, back to this person who asked me.  She started off asking about another coworker who had a baby over the summer and has relocated to another state.  Then I could tell she wanted to ask what happened to me since last time I saw her she knew I was pregnant and this was maybe a week or two before the loss. So I just said it, I said I was supposed to have babies too.  She goes I know, you were pregnant with twins right?  She said I heard you were sick, but I don't know the details and wasn't sure if it was rude of me to ask, but I think about you and have been wondering what happened and how are you.  So I told her.  I told her the story of the day(s) I lost them. How far along I was, what prompted me to go to the ER, my water breaking, seeing two beautiful babies with hearts beating in the 160s and then told one WILL die and the other one probably will.  The day before my gender reveal.  I told her about being put in a room to wait to deliver a baby I knew would never live and at the same time knowing this baby was alive now and it was the act of birth before the lungs were ready that would cause death.  That I found out her gender as I was waiting to say goodbye.  Then I messaged the only other person who knew the second gender so we could name them.  So they wouldn't be baby A and baby B, but have names.

I told her Emma was born about 12 hours after my water broke and how I beat the odds by only delivering one baby.  I told her about holding Emma and seeing Chase on ultrasound and how well he was doing.  Well, I told her before how sick I was after delivering Emma that they were going to take me to surgery and remove Chase because the infection had gotten worse and I was becoming septic, but I stabilized so they gave me the option of continuing to carry him.  I told her about holding Emma in my arms, Chase alive in my belly, heart still beating in the 160s and just praying that he makes it and how 28 hours after I delivered Emma, I delivered him too.

I told her about the guilt I feel.  About how they were perfect and had I not gotten sick they'd be here right now.  Little newborns, their first Halloween tomorrow.  I told her I was having a hard time with it, but I started counseling and it was going to be okay.  She gave me a hug and told me she'd keep me and my family in her prayers and then I had to go to another campus.  She told me I'm doing so good to be coming to work and doing my job.  In my head all I could think was, I'm nothing like the worker I used to be.  I'm not doing the job as well as I'm known for, I'm barely coping.  I wasn't going to admit that, especially when it could end up somewhere.  Right now I work enough where no one seems dissatisfied or anything.

As I drove in my car I realized I don't spend a lot of time thinking about those 4 days in the hospital.  The day I found out I was going to lose Emma and most likely Chase.  The day I actually lose Emma, followed by the day I actually lost Chase, followed by the day they spent medicating the heck out of me so they could send me home to get better since they knew my emotional health wasn't well and I needed to be with my family.  I spent time in my drive really thinking about those days and from start to finish.  To looking at the ultrasound and seeing living children to being told I'd never hold them alive in my arms.  I think it's the first time in thinking about it hat I realized what I'd been through. Not what my husband went through, not what Emma and Chase went through, but what I went through and all the emotions that went along with it.  I also realized and acknowledged for the first time to myself while remembering that I went through a lot and I went through it twice, one after the other.

I think it's an important realization for me and maybe part of my healing to realize this. That I went through something.  This was horrible and it was traumatic and yes, I feel guilty since I'm the one who was supposed to keep them safe and protect them and instead I got sick and killed them.  I realize it was unintentional, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions, right?  At the same time I went through a lot. I also have more than one kind of guilt going on.  Guild number one I talk about a lot, they died because I failed them.  The second one is that all of us were sick.  I was sick too, the only difference is they could only save me and not them.  I also feel guilty about that-survivors guilt.

I also spent some time yesterday talking to two very wonderful ladies and I process things later.  So in thinking about my conversation with them and then thinking about others I know who've had loss, it hit me it's a process and it's stages and even though it's been 5 months, I'm only beginning in the grief process.  There's people years out who are still dealing, still trying, and that it really and truly will affect me forever.  I won't be where I am today forever, but I'll always have missing pieces where they should be.  I'll always wonder and think about them and miss them.

What I need most of all is to know, and I mean truly know, that THEY forgive me.  That THEY don't hate me.  I need this for myself and I don't know how to get it.  I pray every night for a sign, something, anything, but I don't get it.

I'm still in pain today, but it's different from yesterday.  I'm more numb, which I think is a protection thing, but I'm also aware that I went through something too.

My next counseling session was supposed to be next Thurs.  I was in a panic at having to go that long since I saw her Tuesday.  I was thinking of asking for a session on Monday when she randomly called me and said she had a conflict with Thurs, would it be possible to move to Monday.  Thank goodness!!

My goal for this weekend is to enjoy my second Halloween with my daughter no matter what and to try and focus on her like I did the day we went to the pumpkin patch.  She's going to be a bunny this year.

Thursday, October 29, 2015


I'm feeling very ashamed and embarrassed after my last post.  Some days or even just moments the pain is so bad I don't know I'll ever get to the next.  I know I have a support system I can reach to, but I'm scared they'll stop because this is taking too long, because it's been 5 months and I think I'm worse, not better.  Scared people will dread or avoid talking to me 'cause I'm down again all the time, so I don't say anything to anyone.  Then it gets to be too much and I can't handle the pain.

I still feel the guilt.  There are so many layers to this.  The guilt is so strong.  What if?  It doesn't matter.  They're gone.  There is no "if" only "is", and what "is" is they are gone.  My counselor is really great.  I'm very comfortable with her.  She's done stuff with me on mindfulness and she's getting me ready for EMDR by doing some practice stuff.  I've only been going for a few weeks though so it will take some time.

I had a few people reach out to me after my post and then I read what I posted.  I seldom read my own blogs.  I've had an issue reading the things I write for years it stems from lots of things, but I realized how mean it seemed to my support system and I feel so bad and guilty.  Like I lashed out.  I had no reason to lash out. I just didn't know how to ask for help and I did it in a very wrong way and to everyone who commented on my previous post, texted, sent me messages, I'm sorry.

I know I send mixed messages to some people, especially those closest to me and it's just so hard.  I don't mean to, I'm just confused myself most of the time on how I really am or what to do or how I feel.  I don't know how to navigate this.

Right now I'm feeling like a failure.  I failed my twins, I fail my living child, I fail my husband, my friends, my family.  I feel like I can't do anything right.  I feel like people hate me, maybe because I hate me and I think people should hate me.  I just want to disappear and come back when I can be normal again, but I know I have to find a new normal and I don't know what that is.

Anyways, I am sorry.  I appreciate everyone who's here for me.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

IF vs loss

For years my life was about infertility. I made friends through a community and felt like there was a commonality. Now with loss I feel alone. Like no one understands. I have almost no one to talk to. People who were my friends rallied with me at the beginning, but every day I feel less support. On the EDD hardy anyone reached out to me, including other loss mom's.

I don't know what to think or what to do. I might ice my FB after Halloween until Thanksgiving and just post pics of Katie or maybe just screw it all together. I never thought of myself as the kind to deactivate my account. Maybe just create a new account for those I want to keep up with since I lose messenger when I deactivate. I don't know. I just feel I give more support than I get and I'm usually fine with it, but I'm having very hard days and feeling like very few understand or care.

I also GO a few BBC groups I might step down from and maybe quit that too. I just don't know.

Maybe it's just a perception and not reality. I don't know anymore.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

5 months

As I typed the title it just hit me.  Has it really been 5 whole months since I said goodbye to them? 5 months?  Seems like a long time, but it also doesn't.  I feel almost everyday like I'm just finding out they're gone.  But it's been nearly half a year since I said goodbye.

Medical front, I think I updated last time that all my tests from the infectious disease dr came back normal, there's no more tests to be ran.  I was waiting to do an u/s on my kidney to make sure there was no scaring or any issues from my recent infection, I'm now 100% clear from that too.  There are no physical barriers to my TTC again.

Emotional front: yeah, not even.  This has probably been the hardest month.  I have literally tried to survive each day.  I thought once I made it to the EDD it would end, but I was wrong.  That night I started sinking into a deep depression, I don't even remember Wed just I was in a deep cloud of depression, guilt, grief, and helplessness.  Thursday I didn't know how I was going to physically live out the rest of my days.  I wasn't suicidal, but I honestly couldn't handle the pain in my heart.  I wasn't doing well at all.  Although I had counseling on Tuesday I decided to reach out.  I knew you could call an on-call therapist if you really needed it.  I called and hung up on voicemail I can't even remember how many times.  Finally I left a voice message.  I sang deeper into depression as I waited for a phone call back.  I thought about how nothing was ever going to be okay, about how many people have lost and suffered and were doing better than me, about what a stupid baby I was, about how I was failing my oldest child and my loving husband, failing my friends, and not performing to my usual level at work. I left another message.  My counselor called me back in the afternoon apologizing saying she'd been back to back all day and preferred to talk to her clients herself.  She asked if I was available for another appointment and I said sure.  I went in.

I'm glad I did.  I've felt better since then.  Better right now means not feeling helpless or like it's never going to be okay.  It's means when I stare at my oldest I don't cry or want to get away from her because I feel unworthy of her presence.  It means I can actually eat some food and be with my family.  I can be more productive at work.  I am not happy, but I don't feel like I'm on the verge of losing it or thinking of how the world would be better without me in it.  It means I can function.  I'm not proud that this is what "better" is, but it's what it is.

My counselor talked to me a lot and we found the root of the issue lies in the guilt I have for their deaths.  How I failed them and how I'm continuing to fail others around me.  She also did a full exercise on mindfulness, which went okay until she got into self compassion and then panic set in.  I don't have that.  I don't have an ounce of self-care, sympathy, or any desire to do anything for myself.  I feel I should be punished for what I did, so I do it to myself.  I have a feeling we will work on this some more.  I feel that by punishing myself the twins get some kind of "justice", although I guess their true justice won't be until I destroy myself.  At the same time I know I can't do that, and while there's many reasons, the main one is Katie.  I can't show that as an example to her and I can't do it to her.

AF arrived. 5 months since Emma was born and I'm on cycle 7.  I know I don't really ovulate even though when I charted it appeared I did, with +OPK, temp changes, etc.  However my LP was always so short and medicated cycles with bloodwork have shown very large follicles without mature eggs in them.  This cycle my body never even gave me the +OPK.  Not sure what that means for my DOR.  Even normal women have cycles where their bodies are off.  Truth is, I don't care.  I'm not trying to conceive right now.  I'm giving it the rest of this month and next.  DH and I will talk again at the end of November and see where I am emotionally. It wouldn't be good for me to try another treatment in my current mental state, if it worked, it wouldn't be fair to that baby either.

I'm excited for one thing though.  I knew I had footprints of the twins and I wanted personalized ornaments, one for each baby with their name, date, and actual prints.  No wings, no nothing, just feet, they were babies, children, not everything I want associated with their death or angels.  What i wasn't sure of is, did I have Katie's as well?  I do!!!!  I found them.  I will have 3 ornaments coming my way soon with all 3 of my kids footprints.  Different colors, Katie's is purple, Emma pink, Chase blue, but all my kids footprints.  I'm excited to get them and have them.  I'm also working on a charm bracelet that will be made for me.  It will have 5 charms, but working on the financial piece.  It will have their actual footprints as well.  I feel a need to have them on me and while I have a tattoo design in my mind, I won't do that until I've completed my family.

I feel like this was just rambling.  Not sure how much updating I'll be doing.  For sure to show my ornaments.  My next counseling appt is this Tuesday.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

EDD and beyond

Yesterday was my EDD.  I was going to post, but as the day went on I struggled more and more and had a harder time.  By the evening I was really a mess, plus I had counseling and no energy to post.  One thing I really wanted and with DH's help was able to get was a picture of my three kids, or rather, the closest thing I can ever get to a pic of my three kids.  Here they are:

Emma bear is on the left and Chase bear is on the right

I was touched by the acts of kindness people did on behalf of my kids.  I did two different things.  I gave a $20 and some notes about my twins to a coffee place to cover the coffee of some patrons and then also dropped off three batches of mixed flavor cookies in different areas of my job with a note of explanation on the box of cookies.  I was in awe at all the stories I heard from people throughout the day and it meant a lot. 

I was honestly disappointed with the lack of people who checked in to see how I was doing, but that's just how it is and I'm focusing and appreciating those who did.  So here I am past the due date.  In honesty the date meant nothing, they were never going to make it past 38 weeks and it wasn't likely I'd even make it that far.

Now I have to figure out how I move forward.  What I do now.  Well, it's something I've been trying to work on since May.  My second counseling appointment went well.  We focused on the guilt that I'm feeling. Talked a lot about my head vs my heart.  That logically I know I didn't kill them, as in intentionally do anything to cause them harm, but at the same time emotionally I feel like I neglected them and ignored signs and used excuses for why I wasn't feeling great.  Also the guilt of denying myself anything pleasurable, for instance, no pumpkin spice lattes, none of my hobbies, etc.  That I on purpose "punish" myself and make myself suffer because why do I deserve anything of joy when they'll never experience it?  That I just feel very guilty "living" while they never will so I deny myself that.

It led into what my beliefs are regarding afterlife.  I am not Christian, I am unsure of reincarnation per se. I do believe there is a next thing, that everyone goes to the same place after (our souls do) and maybe it's back to Earth, maybe it's something completely different, I don't know.  I said I needed to know, like know in my heart they didn't blame me or hate me and I don't know how to get that.  I pray every single night that in a dream or something, I have some kind of revelation.
I also mentioned to her about how I felt the night of the Wave of Light when we did the candles and the peace and how for that short amount of time I felt it was all okay.  She asked if I can bring that moment back and I said in memory, but I don't feel as strong like I did at that moment.

We talked about "mindfulness" to help with the anxiety and to bring myself back whenever my mind starts to go places, especially to when I think I failed them and all the ways and bring myself back.  I think she'll touch more on that, but it was sort of a sprinkle as they say of mindfulness.

That was pretty much the whole session.  My next appt is next Tues at 8:00 pm.  We scheduled two weeks out so I don't have to have it so late, so the week after next it will be at 7:00 pm that Thurs.  I'll be seeing her weekly for a while and I'm lucky that my insurance has unlimited visits and coverage. 
I felt very comfortable with her.  I didn't feel judged in any way.  

Today I just feel sad and empty.  Just void of anything.  I just hurt and I hope that somehow there's a future out there, that I can come out of this where I feel it's right for me and right for them. 

Sunday, October 18, 2015

In honor and memory of Emma and Chase

Tuesday, October 20th, would've been the due date of Emma and Chase. While they never, ever would've been born on this date it's still a milestone in my head.

I am asking that anyone who wants to participate this Tuesday, please do one or two acts of kindness for someone(s) in the names of Emma and Chase.

It would mean a lot that the person know who this is done in memory and honor of. It can be just written on a piece of paper for a cashier to hand to someone with their order or be done in person. Doesn't need to be anything long, just in memory or honor or whatever words you choose and their names. If one act, then both their names. If two acts them one per child.

Again, no offense or anything to anyone who chooses not to do this and it doesn't even have to cost money. It can be anything that makes someone's day a little bit better, even as simple as reaching out and checking on someone you haven't talked to in a while or you know is struggling.

It would mean a lot if just for one day the world is a slightly better place because they existed.For anyone who chooses to participate, I'd love to hear about it. Thank you!

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Wave of Light 10/15

I lit the candles on the memorial shelf for Emma and Chase.  This is the first time I've lit their candles.  Their EDD is 10/20 and I will light them again then.

I lit this one in honor and memory of all the babies gone too soon. Thinking of everyone with an angel baby and wishing they were in the their arms instead.  I'll never forget last year lighting a candle and thinking about everyone I knew who had a loss.  I never imagined a year later I'd find myself among them. At least I know my angels are in the best company I could ask for, if they can't be with me.

I thought this would be harder tonight.  I thought I'd be crying and breaking with every piece of me.  Instead I feel peace and love.  I'd like to think it's my babies looking down on me and telling me it's okay.  It wasn't my fault and they are okay and they are always with me.  It's what I want to believe and I hope is true.  All I know for sure is right now I feel a lot of peace.  

Testing results

Just wanted to update all that all my tests have come back from the infectious disease doctor. They all came back normal. Meaning I have no nutritional deficiencies and nothing wrong with my immune system that would cause me to get infections more often or worse than other people and that my immune system fights off everything as it should. There is no medical reason at this time as to why this happened or to indicate this would happen again.

It's no secret I'm not emotionally well. My husband and I talked last night. We will continue trying naturally since I've not had a natural conception ever and I went off birth control over 4 years ago. I feel a natural conception would almost be divine intervention and a completely different thing than one done via fertility treatments. However, we've decided that until I'm in a better place with my mental health we will wait for fertility treatments. Mainly my husband said I have to let go of the guilt and accept that there is no way I could've saved them and that I did nothing to cause their deaths and that it wasn't possible for me to prevent it either. He said once I can look in his eyes and let go of that aspect, we can resume fertility treatments.

I know this won't happen this month, it may or may not next month (latter part if it does). I think I'm probably looking at December or January. I'm going to do the very best job I can with therapy. I'm going to try any tools she gives me, read anything she asks me too, and accept the help.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

RE Consult

I've been sitting in my car just crying and crying and crying.  Weirdly, I don't cry very often.  Here and there, but as far as heartfelt sobs for my kids, that rarely happens.  I'm at work in the day, then I come home and take care of Katie, dinner, chores, you know stuff, then get her to bed, then it's do the chores you can't do while she's up, get the house in order, then it's pretty much bedtime.

Weekend it's fake happy so that I don't bring down my family and everyone near me.  I rarely have a chance to be real.  Left the REs office though and asked DH to go to his parents house to get Katie because I just needed to be alone and I cried and cried and cried all the way home and then sat in my garage and cried more.  Now I'm just empty.

Back to the consult. Lets start with awkward.  Guess who gets in the elevator with me?  My former OB.  I kid you not.  He recognized me too.  Asked how everything was.  I just looked down and said I lost them and he said he was sorry and genuinely seemed to mean it.  I have nothing against the guy and I started feeling guilt like maybe it was sign I made a mistake when I switched.  I delivered Katie with him, but switched OBs about 13 weeks in with the twins since I didn't feel I was getting the right care and also the hospital issue.  The hospital the new OB delivered at is just better than the other all around.  It has a better NICU, which I was expecting with twins and considering what happened, wish that had happened instead.  

The RE appt went pretty good.  He said he was so sorry the kidney thing happened.  Like every doctor I've seen, him, my pcp, the kidney specialist, the high risk OB, and even the infectious disease dr who is running the tests just to make sure, he says none of this is related and it's really just been a string of very bad luck.  That unfortunately he's seen many women have many losses for no good reasons and then it works.  He said physically there is no reason on Earth I can't conceive and carry a pregnancy. He did recommend a probiotic, which others have too and I've been taking since I got home from the hospital.  He also told me I need to work on healing more emotionally.  That physically I can do treatments anytime, but that emotionally I'm probably not ready right now. I know he's right.  He's a good and compassionate doctor and I can tell he genuinely cares about his patients.  So, that's that.

I should get results from those tests next week sometime and then I need to schedule my scan for the end of the month to make sure my kidney looks normal and then just go from there.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015


Yesterday I started counselling.  I had my very first appointment.  I honestly don't have much to say about it.  I told her about Emma and Chase and pretty much my whole life story, which, like many others, is a whole thing on its own.  At the end she said she thought she'd be a good match for me would I like to come again so I said yes.  We discussed what days and times she had available next week and it was between Tues and Thurs.  I chose Tues since she had a 7:00 pm and Thurs was 5:00 pm and that's when Katie has gymnastics.  Well, when I walked out of the office and looked at my appt card I realized what Tuesday was.  It's October 20th, Emma and Chase's EDD.

At first I didn't like that.  I initially planned to take the day off, but I can't because of days and money.  So I was just planning on doing something after work, now I have the appt and so time is limited.  Part of me is like who the hell cares?  They were never ever going to be born that day.  My c/s was scheduled for 10/6 and that's assuming I even made it to 38 weeks. The date means nothing, they are as dead on the 20th as they are today.  It's just a date.  They were born in May anyways.  The other part of me just wanted something.

I only have one person IRL that I can really talk to about them. So, I guess the appt is good since I can talk to the counselor about them that day.  I dunno.  Just feeling very lost.  Because I had to mention a lot of things yesterday I have a lot of emotion floating through me.

I don't know how I feel about her.  I didn't get a bad vibe.  I guess we'll see.

RE consult tomorrow and then waiting for the tests to come in.  I need an u/s for my kidney at the end of this month too, just to make sure it looks normal.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Infectious Disease Consult/Followup

Today was a very hard day for me emotionally.  Not sure what was going on, but my anxiety was so severe I needed 4 valium.  I was also having some thoughts of self-harm, not that I had any plan to act on it at any time.  Mostly just a day with extreme panic.

Anyways, I made it through the day and had my appt with the infectious disease dr. He was very nice and asked some questions about what concerns I had and did a check on my kidney and stomach and also had some labs ordered for me.  I'll try to get those filled.  I looked up the labs and I'm pretty pleased with them and hope they give answers, whether it's everything is fine, or that I have an issue.

Here's what he's testing,  If you click on the name, you get the link to what the test is.

Immunoglobulins Panel
LgG Subclass Deficiency

Looking at what these tests are, I'm glad he's ordering them.  I think this might give some answers, be it that everything is fine, or that I have a deficiency somewhere.  I need to go to Quest to have them done, so I'll be looking to do that tomorrow.  It will take 10-14 days to get results, so I'll start harassing his office at day 10 to get results.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

19 weeks

Today marks 19 weeks since I said goodbye to my precious Emma and Chase.  19 weeks is the same amount of time I carried them.  This month has been so difficult.  I've had moments where I didn't think I'd survive the next one, moments where the pain is so much I'm just numb to everything and anything and can't even comprehend what goes around me, moments where I don't know that it's ever going to be okay, even though I'm told it's going to be.

I'm lucky to have an amazing and understanding husband.  Lucky to have supportive friends.  I'm not at a place where I can reach for help, but I've had others instead reach for me and it means more to me than they probably realize.

I'm recovered from the kidney infection and working on testing and having consults with various doctors.  At the recommendation of a good friend, I scheduled one with an MFM.  I chose the one I saw at the hospital when I was holding Emma and hoping for Chase.  She told me he was probably not going to make it, and of course, she was right.

I felt nervous seeing her.  I was so sick and so in the middle of everything when I saw her my memory wasn't great.  She did remember me and was felt with a lot of compassion and just caring.  She inquired about my mental health and that really seemed to be her focus.  That I needed to be okay before trying any of this again.  That a pregnancy after a loss like mine is a hard road in itself, if I'm falling apart now, it's going to make it even harder. I told her truthfully I wasn't coping very well and that I was starting counseling on Monday.  She said she was glad and she said she's here for me to talk to, she can look into resources for me, just anything that I need.  That she's there for me.

Then we discussed if I were to have another pregnancy. She said she'd want to be involved as soon as I was released from my RE.  She told me that she'd want me to have PIO (progesterone in oil) shots starting at 16 weeks.  She said I'd have them weekly until I delivered.  She also talked about frequent bloodwork and ultrasounds to check for any signs of issues and be very proactive at catching anything early. She said she'd do a cerclage at the first sign of PTL or any cervical issues.

She did tell me to ask the infectious disease dr to run a test on how well my body fights off infections just to get an idea.  She also told me she thinks that a bacteria got to Emma first, then Chase, then me.  That's why by the time I got the fever it was too late.  It started with the twins and then went to my blood.  She doesn't know for sure, she just said based on her experience that's most likely what happened.

I feel better knowing she wants to be involved and how proactive she'd be right away.  She gave me an 80% chance of making it to term or near term and she said honestly with the PIO shots she doesn't see me having PTL issues like with Katie and even from before.  I started having issues with both pregnancies 2 weeks after stopping progesterone so it makes sense to me.

Most of all I felt she truly cared.  I wasn't charged for the consult and she generally seemed to care about how I was doing.  She also said if any additional testing reveals info then to come see her to let her know so we can formulate a plan.  I feel more positive after talking to her.   I still don't know where I am with TTC, if I'll try again or not or what.  I still have two more consults and hopefully testing.

I can't believe that this is where I am.  That everything ended.  There are some days I'm still shocked they are gone.  I miss them so much.  I wish I'd saved them, anything to make them here, even if they'd been preemies in the NICU.

Tomorrow I meet with the infectious disease dr and the next week my RE.

Sunday, October 4, 2015


Today is one of these days I don't think I can make it. I don't think I can do it. I just want to break down and cry and cry until everything is empty. Today all I feel is pain, despair, loss, and darkness.

Thursday, October 1, 2015


I can hardly even breathe or function today.  I don't know how I'm going to make it through this month and it's only the first day.  I don't know how I'm going to fake happy holiday and Halloween and fall stuff for my daughter when I want to crawl into a hole and never come out.

This was the month they were due.  I know they weren't going to make their due date, 38 weeks is the furthest I was going to be allowed to go with the average twins being born 34-36 weeks.  Either way, all I can think about is that my life should be chaos with two newborns and a toddler.  I should be exhausted and thinking how will I ever do this?  Instead I'm wondering how will I ever make it through this month? How?  I can hardly breathe this morning.

October is also pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, so it's all together.  I'm also trying to process the reality that I will only ever have Katie on Earth.  That there may never be a rainbow, like truly trying to process this reality and it chokes me up. A rainbow would NEVER replace my Emma and Chase, but it was always important to me that my daughter grow up with a sibling.

This year started so promising.  After 6 months of unemployment, right when we were getting ready to sell our house and get something we could live on with my income, he was hired.  Not as much as he earned before, but enough for us to be okay.  We jumped right into treatments, I got the surprise and joy of my life.  It was going to be wonderful.  By mid-year it was all over, now this more recent hospitalization.  Things with my job.  Right now I feel so low and I can barely make it.  I can't do this.  I don't know how to do this.  I just want this year to end.

Somehow, someway, I have to get through it.  I can't worry about the whole month, right now I'm going to worry about the next few hours. I'm going to throw myself into my job and try to forget.  Now that the physical pain from the kidney is mostly again, I'm left with the emotional reality of everything.  I don't know how to do this.  I'm not strong, I am weak.  I am a monster.  I am not worthy of even what I have, let alone more.

Dear Emma and Chase, I love you more than I can ever express.  I miss you so much.  I'm sorry.