Tuesday, October 6, 2015

19 weeks

Today marks 19 weeks since I said goodbye to my precious Emma and Chase.  19 weeks is the same amount of time I carried them.  This month has been so difficult.  I've had moments where I didn't think I'd survive the next one, moments where the pain is so much I'm just numb to everything and anything and can't even comprehend what goes around me, moments where I don't know that it's ever going to be okay, even though I'm told it's going to be.

I'm lucky to have an amazing and understanding husband.  Lucky to have supportive friends.  I'm not at a place where I can reach for help, but I've had others instead reach for me and it means more to me than they probably realize.

I'm recovered from the kidney infection and working on testing and having consults with various doctors.  At the recommendation of a good friend, I scheduled one with an MFM.  I chose the one I saw at the hospital when I was holding Emma and hoping for Chase.  She told me he was probably not going to make it, and of course, she was right.

I felt nervous seeing her.  I was so sick and so in the middle of everything when I saw her my memory wasn't great.  She did remember me and was felt with a lot of compassion and just caring.  She inquired about my mental health and that really seemed to be her focus.  That I needed to be okay before trying any of this again.  That a pregnancy after a loss like mine is a hard road in itself, if I'm falling apart now, it's going to make it even harder. I told her truthfully I wasn't coping very well and that I was starting counseling on Monday.  She said she was glad and she said she's here for me to talk to, she can look into resources for me, just anything that I need.  That she's there for me.

Then we discussed if I were to have another pregnancy. She said she'd want to be involved as soon as I was released from my RE.  She told me that she'd want me to have PIO (progesterone in oil) shots starting at 16 weeks.  She said I'd have them weekly until I delivered.  She also talked about frequent bloodwork and ultrasounds to check for any signs of issues and be very proactive at catching anything early. She said she'd do a cerclage at the first sign of PTL or any cervical issues.

She did tell me to ask the infectious disease dr to run a test on how well my body fights off infections just to get an idea.  She also told me she thinks that a bacteria got to Emma first, then Chase, then me.  That's why by the time I got the fever it was too late.  It started with the twins and then went to my blood.  She doesn't know for sure, she just said based on her experience that's most likely what happened.

I feel better knowing she wants to be involved and how proactive she'd be right away.  She gave me an 80% chance of making it to term or near term and she said honestly with the PIO shots she doesn't see me having PTL issues like with Katie and even from before.  I started having issues with both pregnancies 2 weeks after stopping progesterone so it makes sense to me.

Most of all I felt she truly cared.  I wasn't charged for the consult and she generally seemed to care about how I was doing.  She also said if any additional testing reveals info then to come see her to let her know so we can formulate a plan.  I feel more positive after talking to her.   I still don't know where I am with TTC, if I'll try again or not or what.  I still have two more consults and hopefully testing.

I can't believe that this is where I am.  That everything ended.  There are some days I'm still shocked they are gone.  I miss them so much.  I wish I'd saved them, anything to make them here, even if they'd been preemies in the NICU.

Tomorrow I meet with the infectious disease dr and the next week my RE.


  1. I'm so grateful that you have this MFM now and that she seems so awesome. She really does seem caring and supportive and on top of things, all of which will be so beneficial now and when you conceive again. I know you are feeling lost and pained emotionally right now, and I really hope that as you get more info and support from your doctors, you'll start to feel more ready to heal.

  2. Thanks for the update. HOPE is the only thing that brought me light. I'm glad she cares so much. Having a plan helped lower the anxiety for me <3