Sunday, October 25, 2015

5 months

As I typed the title it just hit me.  Has it really been 5 whole months since I said goodbye to them? 5 months?  Seems like a long time, but it also doesn't.  I feel almost everyday like I'm just finding out they're gone.  But it's been nearly half a year since I said goodbye.

Medical front, I think I updated last time that all my tests from the infectious disease dr came back normal, there's no more tests to be ran.  I was waiting to do an u/s on my kidney to make sure there was no scaring or any issues from my recent infection, I'm now 100% clear from that too.  There are no physical barriers to my TTC again.

Emotional front: yeah, not even.  This has probably been the hardest month.  I have literally tried to survive each day.  I thought once I made it to the EDD it would end, but I was wrong.  That night I started sinking into a deep depression, I don't even remember Wed just I was in a deep cloud of depression, guilt, grief, and helplessness.  Thursday I didn't know how I was going to physically live out the rest of my days.  I wasn't suicidal, but I honestly couldn't handle the pain in my heart.  I wasn't doing well at all.  Although I had counseling on Tuesday I decided to reach out.  I knew you could call an on-call therapist if you really needed it.  I called and hung up on voicemail I can't even remember how many times.  Finally I left a voice message.  I sang deeper into depression as I waited for a phone call back.  I thought about how nothing was ever going to be okay, about how many people have lost and suffered and were doing better than me, about what a stupid baby I was, about how I was failing my oldest child and my loving husband, failing my friends, and not performing to my usual level at work. I left another message.  My counselor called me back in the afternoon apologizing saying she'd been back to back all day and preferred to talk to her clients herself.  She asked if I was available for another appointment and I said sure.  I went in.

I'm glad I did.  I've felt better since then.  Better right now means not feeling helpless or like it's never going to be okay.  It's means when I stare at my oldest I don't cry or want to get away from her because I feel unworthy of her presence.  It means I can actually eat some food and be with my family.  I can be more productive at work.  I am not happy, but I don't feel like I'm on the verge of losing it or thinking of how the world would be better without me in it.  It means I can function.  I'm not proud that this is what "better" is, but it's what it is.

My counselor talked to me a lot and we found the root of the issue lies in the guilt I have for their deaths.  How I failed them and how I'm continuing to fail others around me.  She also did a full exercise on mindfulness, which went okay until she got into self compassion and then panic set in.  I don't have that.  I don't have an ounce of self-care, sympathy, or any desire to do anything for myself.  I feel I should be punished for what I did, so I do it to myself.  I have a feeling we will work on this some more.  I feel that by punishing myself the twins get some kind of "justice", although I guess their true justice won't be until I destroy myself.  At the same time I know I can't do that, and while there's many reasons, the main one is Katie.  I can't show that as an example to her and I can't do it to her.

AF arrived. 5 months since Emma was born and I'm on cycle 7.  I know I don't really ovulate even though when I charted it appeared I did, with +OPK, temp changes, etc.  However my LP was always so short and medicated cycles with bloodwork have shown very large follicles without mature eggs in them.  This cycle my body never even gave me the +OPK.  Not sure what that means for my DOR.  Even normal women have cycles where their bodies are off.  Truth is, I don't care.  I'm not trying to conceive right now.  I'm giving it the rest of this month and next.  DH and I will talk again at the end of November and see where I am emotionally. It wouldn't be good for me to try another treatment in my current mental state, if it worked, it wouldn't be fair to that baby either.

I'm excited for one thing though.  I knew I had footprints of the twins and I wanted personalized ornaments, one for each baby with their name, date, and actual prints.  No wings, no nothing, just feet, they were babies, children, not everything I want associated with their death or angels.  What i wasn't sure of is, did I have Katie's as well?  I do!!!!  I found them.  I will have 3 ornaments coming my way soon with all 3 of my kids footprints.  Different colors, Katie's is purple, Emma pink, Chase blue, but all my kids footprints.  I'm excited to get them and have them.  I'm also working on a charm bracelet that will be made for me.  It will have 5 charms, but working on the financial piece.  It will have their actual footprints as well.  I feel a need to have them on me and while I have a tattoo design in my mind, I won't do that until I've completed my family.

I feel like this was just rambling.  Not sure how much updating I'll be doing.  For sure to show my ornaments.  My next counseling appt is this Tuesday.

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