Wednesday, October 21, 2015

EDD and beyond

Yesterday was my EDD.  I was going to post, but as the day went on I struggled more and more and had a harder time.  By the evening I was really a mess, plus I had counseling and no energy to post.  One thing I really wanted and with DH's help was able to get was a picture of my three kids, or rather, the closest thing I can ever get to a pic of my three kids.  Here they are:

Emma bear is on the left and Chase bear is on the right

I was touched by the acts of kindness people did on behalf of my kids.  I did two different things.  I gave a $20 and some notes about my twins to a coffee place to cover the coffee of some patrons and then also dropped off three batches of mixed flavor cookies in different areas of my job with a note of explanation on the box of cookies.  I was in awe at all the stories I heard from people throughout the day and it meant a lot. 

I was honestly disappointed with the lack of people who checked in to see how I was doing, but that's just how it is and I'm focusing and appreciating those who did.  So here I am past the due date.  In honesty the date meant nothing, they were never going to make it past 38 weeks and it wasn't likely I'd even make it that far.

Now I have to figure out how I move forward.  What I do now.  Well, it's something I've been trying to work on since May.  My second counseling appointment went well.  We focused on the guilt that I'm feeling. Talked a lot about my head vs my heart.  That logically I know I didn't kill them, as in intentionally do anything to cause them harm, but at the same time emotionally I feel like I neglected them and ignored signs and used excuses for why I wasn't feeling great.  Also the guilt of denying myself anything pleasurable, for instance, no pumpkin spice lattes, none of my hobbies, etc.  That I on purpose "punish" myself and make myself suffer because why do I deserve anything of joy when they'll never experience it?  That I just feel very guilty "living" while they never will so I deny myself that.

It led into what my beliefs are regarding afterlife.  I am not Christian, I am unsure of reincarnation per se. I do believe there is a next thing, that everyone goes to the same place after (our souls do) and maybe it's back to Earth, maybe it's something completely different, I don't know.  I said I needed to know, like know in my heart they didn't blame me or hate me and I don't know how to get that.  I pray every single night that in a dream or something, I have some kind of revelation.
I also mentioned to her about how I felt the night of the Wave of Light when we did the candles and the peace and how for that short amount of time I felt it was all okay.  She asked if I can bring that moment back and I said in memory, but I don't feel as strong like I did at that moment.

We talked about "mindfulness" to help with the anxiety and to bring myself back whenever my mind starts to go places, especially to when I think I failed them and all the ways and bring myself back.  I think she'll touch more on that, but it was sort of a sprinkle as they say of mindfulness.

That was pretty much the whole session.  My next appt is next Tues at 8:00 pm.  We scheduled two weeks out so I don't have to have it so late, so the week after next it will be at 7:00 pm that Thurs.  I'll be seeing her weekly for a while and I'm lucky that my insurance has unlimited visits and coverage. 
I felt very comfortable with her.  I didn't feel judged in any way.  

Today I just feel sad and empty.  Just void of anything.  I just hurt and I hope that somehow there's a future out there, that I can come out of this where I feel it's right for me and right for them. 


  1. That picture is wonderful. Katie is so beautiful- what gorgeous hair!
    I think your councilor sounds so caring. I hope that eventually she helps you find some peace.
    I haven't done my act of kindness yet, but only because I can't at the moment. My plan is to "adopt" 2 additional kids this Christmas from the Home for Little Wanderers. They do a toy drive for kids in their care. I always pick a specific wish list child who is the age my Blue Sunday would be. I will add two more the age Emma and Chase would be. When that happens I'll link you their profiles. They usually go live with the list just before Thanksgiving.