Friday, October 30, 2015

more rambles

So today I'm a bit calmer.  Still feeling like I could cry at the drop of a hat and feeling sensitive, but compared to yesterday, better.  I'm even having some anxiety, but I don't feel like the fight or flight that I think I was dealing with yesterday.

At work today I had someone ask me about my pregnancy.  This has happened a few times throughout the year since I go to many different schools and I was obviously pregnant in May and obviously not now.  In fact what catches everyone's attention is the extreme weight loss since then.  At any other time in my life that would be a good thing, but I'd trade in the weight loss in a heartbeat for them.  I've lost weight due to the two illnesses I've had and now the grief and depression.  I don't eat very much.  I think it also looks more extreme than what it is because I was pregnant and at 19 weeks with twins, you def look it so to go from that to normal, but with some weight loss is very noticeable.

Anyways, back to this person who asked me.  She started off asking about another coworker who had a baby over the summer and has relocated to another state.  Then I could tell she wanted to ask what happened to me since last time I saw her she knew I was pregnant and this was maybe a week or two before the loss. So I just said it, I said I was supposed to have babies too.  She goes I know, you were pregnant with twins right?  She said I heard you were sick, but I don't know the details and wasn't sure if it was rude of me to ask, but I think about you and have been wondering what happened and how are you.  So I told her.  I told her the story of the day(s) I lost them. How far along I was, what prompted me to go to the ER, my water breaking, seeing two beautiful babies with hearts beating in the 160s and then told one WILL die and the other one probably will.  The day before my gender reveal.  I told her about being put in a room to wait to deliver a baby I knew would never live and at the same time knowing this baby was alive now and it was the act of birth before the lungs were ready that would cause death.  That I found out her gender as I was waiting to say goodbye.  Then I messaged the only other person who knew the second gender so we could name them.  So they wouldn't be baby A and baby B, but have names.

I told her Emma was born about 12 hours after my water broke and how I beat the odds by only delivering one baby.  I told her about holding Emma and seeing Chase on ultrasound and how well he was doing.  Well, I told her before how sick I was after delivering Emma that they were going to take me to surgery and remove Chase because the infection had gotten worse and I was becoming septic, but I stabilized so they gave me the option of continuing to carry him.  I told her about holding Emma in my arms, Chase alive in my belly, heart still beating in the 160s and just praying that he makes it and how 28 hours after I delivered Emma, I delivered him too.

I told her about the guilt I feel.  About how they were perfect and had I not gotten sick they'd be here right now.  Little newborns, their first Halloween tomorrow.  I told her I was having a hard time with it, but I started counseling and it was going to be okay.  She gave me a hug and told me she'd keep me and my family in her prayers and then I had to go to another campus.  She told me I'm doing so good to be coming to work and doing my job.  In my head all I could think was, I'm nothing like the worker I used to be.  I'm not doing the job as well as I'm known for, I'm barely coping.  I wasn't going to admit that, especially when it could end up somewhere.  Right now I work enough where no one seems dissatisfied or anything.

As I drove in my car I realized I don't spend a lot of time thinking about those 4 days in the hospital.  The day I found out I was going to lose Emma and most likely Chase.  The day I actually lose Emma, followed by the day I actually lost Chase, followed by the day they spent medicating the heck out of me so they could send me home to get better since they knew my emotional health wasn't well and I needed to be with my family.  I spent time in my drive really thinking about those days and from start to finish.  To looking at the ultrasound and seeing living children to being told I'd never hold them alive in my arms.  I think it's the first time in thinking about it hat I realized what I'd been through. Not what my husband went through, not what Emma and Chase went through, but what I went through and all the emotions that went along with it.  I also realized and acknowledged for the first time to myself while remembering that I went through a lot and I went through it twice, one after the other.

I think it's an important realization for me and maybe part of my healing to realize this. That I went through something.  This was horrible and it was traumatic and yes, I feel guilty since I'm the one who was supposed to keep them safe and protect them and instead I got sick and killed them.  I realize it was unintentional, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions, right?  At the same time I went through a lot. I also have more than one kind of guilt going on.  Guild number one I talk about a lot, they died because I failed them.  The second one is that all of us were sick.  I was sick too, the only difference is they could only save me and not them.  I also feel guilty about that-survivors guilt.

I also spent some time yesterday talking to two very wonderful ladies and I process things later.  So in thinking about my conversation with them and then thinking about others I know who've had loss, it hit me it's a process and it's stages and even though it's been 5 months, I'm only beginning in the grief process.  There's people years out who are still dealing, still trying, and that it really and truly will affect me forever.  I won't be where I am today forever, but I'll always have missing pieces where they should be.  I'll always wonder and think about them and miss them.

What I need most of all is to know, and I mean truly know, that THEY forgive me.  That THEY don't hate me.  I need this for myself and I don't know how to get it.  I pray every night for a sign, something, anything, but I don't get it.

I'm still in pain today, but it's different from yesterday.  I'm more numb, which I think is a protection thing, but I'm also aware that I went through something too.

My next counseling session was supposed to be next Thurs.  I was in a panic at having to go that long since I saw her Tuesday.  I was thinking of asking for a session on Monday when she randomly called me and said she had a conflict with Thurs, would it be possible to move to Monday.  Thank goodness!!

My goal for this weekend is to enjoy my second Halloween with my daughter no matter what and to try and focus on her like I did the day we went to the pumpkin patch.  She's going to be a bunny this year.


  1. Giving you a virtual hug right now. Reading this, about you telling their story to your coworker, it brought tears to my eyes. As always, I have you on my heart.