I can hardly even breathe or function today. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this month and it's only the first day. I don't know how I'm going to fake happy holiday and Halloween and fall stuff for my daughter when I want to crawl into a hole and never come out.
This was the month they were due. I know they weren't going to make their due date, 38 weeks is the furthest I was going to be allowed to go with the average twins being born 34-36 weeks. Either way, all I can think about is that my life should be chaos with two newborns and a toddler. I should be exhausted and thinking how will I ever do this? Instead I'm wondering how will I ever make it through this month? How? I can hardly breathe this morning.
October is also pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, so it's all together. I'm also trying to process the reality that I will only ever have Katie on Earth. That there may never be a rainbow, like truly trying to process this reality and it chokes me up. A rainbow would NEVER replace my Emma and Chase, but it was always important to me that my daughter grow up with a sibling.
This year started so promising. After 6 months of unemployment, right when we were getting ready to sell our house and get something we could live on with my income, he was hired. Not as much as he earned before, but enough for us to be okay. We jumped right into treatments, I got the surprise and joy of my life. It was going to be wonderful. By mid-year it was all over, now this more recent hospitalization. Things with my job. Right now I feel so low and I can barely make it. I can't do this. I don't know how to do this. I just want this year to end.
Somehow, someway, I have to get through it. I can't worry about the whole month, right now I'm going to worry about the next few hours. I'm going to throw myself into my job and try to forget. Now that the physical pain from the kidney is mostly again, I'm left with the emotional reality of everything. I don't know how to do this. I'm not strong, I am weak. I am a monster. I am not worthy of even what I have, let alone more.
Dear Emma and Chase, I love you more than I can ever express. I miss you so much. I'm sorry.