Wednesday, October 14, 2015

RE Consult

I've been sitting in my car just crying and crying and crying.  Weirdly, I don't cry very often.  Here and there, but as far as heartfelt sobs for my kids, that rarely happens.  I'm at work in the day, then I come home and take care of Katie, dinner, chores, you know stuff, then get her to bed, then it's do the chores you can't do while she's up, get the house in order, then it's pretty much bedtime.

Weekend it's fake happy so that I don't bring down my family and everyone near me.  I rarely have a chance to be real.  Left the REs office though and asked DH to go to his parents house to get Katie because I just needed to be alone and I cried and cried and cried all the way home and then sat in my garage and cried more.  Now I'm just empty.

Back to the consult. Lets start with awkward.  Guess who gets in the elevator with me?  My former OB.  I kid you not.  He recognized me too.  Asked how everything was.  I just looked down and said I lost them and he said he was sorry and genuinely seemed to mean it.  I have nothing against the guy and I started feeling guilt like maybe it was sign I made a mistake when I switched.  I delivered Katie with him, but switched OBs about 13 weeks in with the twins since I didn't feel I was getting the right care and also the hospital issue.  The hospital the new OB delivered at is just better than the other all around.  It has a better NICU, which I was expecting with twins and considering what happened, wish that had happened instead.  

The RE appt went pretty good.  He said he was so sorry the kidney thing happened.  Like every doctor I've seen, him, my pcp, the kidney specialist, the high risk OB, and even the infectious disease dr who is running the tests just to make sure, he says none of this is related and it's really just been a string of very bad luck.  That unfortunately he's seen many women have many losses for no good reasons and then it works.  He said physically there is no reason on Earth I can't conceive and carry a pregnancy. He did recommend a probiotic, which others have too and I've been taking since I got home from the hospital.  He also told me I need to work on healing more emotionally.  That physically I can do treatments anytime, but that emotionally I'm probably not ready right now. I know he's right.  He's a good and compassionate doctor and I can tell he genuinely cares about his patients.  So, that's that.

I should get results from those tests next week sometime and then I need to schedule my scan for the end of the month to make sure my kidney looks normal and then just go from there.


  1. Sometimes that huge uncontrollable cry is what you need. I did plenty of those when I lost Adam. Your RE sounds like a good doctor. Sending you love <3

  2. It must be the day for it, I cried during my MFM consult today. It was nice to hear her say that even though I wasn't far along that my baby's life mattered. I needed to hear that today.

  3. Your RE sounds very compassionate and caring. Sounds like a good, hard cry was in order and much needed. Sending you love and healing thoughts, Ambee. Think of you often. xoxoxoxo

  4. I think it's good that you got to get some of that crying out without interruption or worrying about anything else. I think your RE made good suggestions and sounds like he really cares (which I think you already knew). I'm so glad that once you're ready, you have an excellent, compassionate team of people there for you. I hope that the probiotic helps and that this string of bad luck and sickness is over. You deserve a break!