Thursday, October 29, 2015

Sorry

I'm feeling very ashamed and embarrassed after my last post.  Some days or even just moments the pain is so bad I don't know I'll ever get to the next.  I know I have a support system I can reach to, but I'm scared they'll stop because this is taking too long, because it's been 5 months and I think I'm worse, not better.  Scared people will dread or avoid talking to me 'cause I'm down again all the time, so I don't say anything to anyone.  Then it gets to be too much and I can't handle the pain.

I still feel the guilt.  There are so many layers to this.  The guilt is so strong.  What if?  It doesn't matter.  They're gone.  There is no "if" only "is", and what "is" is they are gone.  My counselor is really great.  I'm very comfortable with her.  She's done stuff with me on mindfulness and she's getting me ready for EMDR by doing some practice stuff.  I've only been going for a few weeks though so it will take some time.

I had a few people reach out to me after my post and then I read what I posted.  I seldom read my own blogs.  I've had an issue reading the things I write for years it stems from lots of things, but I realized how mean it seemed to my support system and I feel so bad and guilty.  Like I lashed out.  I had no reason to lash out. I just didn't know how to ask for help and I did it in a very wrong way and to everyone who commented on my previous post, texted, sent me messages, I'm sorry.

I know I send mixed messages to some people, especially those closest to me and it's just so hard.  I don't mean to, I'm just confused myself most of the time on how I really am or what to do or how I feel.  I don't know how to navigate this.

Right now I'm feeling like a failure.  I failed my twins, I fail my living child, I fail my husband, my friends, my family.  I feel like I can't do anything right.  I feel like people hate me, maybe because I hate me and I think people should hate me.  I just want to disappear and come back when I can be normal again, but I know I have to find a new normal and I don't know what that is.

Anyways, I am sorry.  I appreciate everyone who's here for me.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

5 comments:

  1. You can say whatever you want. You can be angry, the people who support you do so because we know you need it. True friends understand that in grief emotions are ugly and raw. <3 I have heard really good things about EMDR and those with PTSD. I hope it helps you.

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  2. Everyone grieves differently don't ever feel like u are doing something wrong. Let ur true emotions out we are here no matter what.

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  3. Your apology and post show how very thoughtful and aware you are in such a dark time but I definitely don't think you owe any apologies. You are grieving and everyone grieves in their own way. There is no timeline and those that love you should of course want you to be happy but should also just support you in your sorrow and loss- for however long you need. This is not something you get over and move on from. You are so right in that you will need to find a new normal and okay. Take all the time you need and be as kind as possible to yourself as you battle it all. I am certainly no expert but am a cyber friend who is quite simply rooting for you and keeping you and your babies in my thoughts.

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  4. Oh sweet mamma, I 100% agree with the previous comments. You are grieving. There are no rules to it. You feel whatever you feel and that's ok. This is your safe place to let it out, to pour out your deepest emotions and those following are rooting for you and loving you through it all. No apology ever needed. Say what you need to say. You have just survived one of the worst things a mother can go through. You are going to have ups and downs. You are going to feel alone some days. It's going to cut like a knife out of nowhere. You are human and you are normal. I think you are grieving beautifully-you have done so many things to honor Emma and Chase. You are not failing your husband and daughter-you getting out of bed every single day takes SO much when you have lost babies. You are doing that. Much love <3

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