I'm feeling very ashamed and embarrassed after my last post. Some days or even just moments the pain is so bad I don't know I'll ever get to the next. I know I have a support system I can reach to, but I'm scared they'll stop because this is taking too long, because it's been 5 months and I think I'm worse, not better. Scared people will dread or avoid talking to me 'cause I'm down again all the time, so I don't say anything to anyone. Then it gets to be too much and I can't handle the pain.
I still feel the guilt. There are so many layers to this. The guilt is so strong. What if? It doesn't matter. They're gone. There is no "if" only "is", and what "is" is they are gone. My counselor is really great. I'm very comfortable with her. She's done stuff with me on mindfulness and she's getting me ready for EMDR by doing some practice stuff. I've only been going for a few weeks though so it will take some time.
I had a few people reach out to me after my post and then I read what I posted. I seldom read my own blogs. I've had an issue reading the things I write for years it stems from lots of things, but I realized how mean it seemed to my support system and I feel so bad and guilty. Like I lashed out. I had no reason to lash out. I just didn't know how to ask for help and I did it in a very wrong way and to everyone who commented on my previous post, texted, sent me messages, I'm sorry.
I know I send mixed messages to some people, especially those closest to me and it's just so hard. I don't mean to, I'm just confused myself most of the time on how I really am or what to do or how I feel. I don't know how to navigate this.
Right now I'm feeling like a failure. I failed my twins, I fail my living child, I fail my husband, my friends, my family. I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like people hate me, maybe because I hate me and I think people should hate me. I just want to disappear and come back when I can be normal again, but I know I have to find a new normal and I don't know what that is.
Anyways, I am sorry. I appreciate everyone who's here for me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.