Thursday, November 26, 2015

6 months-Chase

Today is Thanksgiving and 6 months since my precious son, Chase, went to join his sister. Even though it's been the hardest six months I can imagine, I am so thankful for my 3 kids. Even knowing how the story of Emma and Chase would end, I'd never change or undo it. I'm lucky for every minute I had with them and always will be.

I'm up way early thinking about my precious boy and wondering the man he would've been. I'd dreamed of a son Chase for so long and now he's with his sister, so she isn't alone. I love my boy so much.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

6 months-Emma

It's been 6 months since Emma was born.  In some ways it seems like yesterday and in some ways a lifetime ago.  I know the "me" of 6 months ago and the "me" of today are not the same.  I know the "me" of today and who I'll be 6 months from now aren't the same either.  I'm not sure who I am or how I've changed.  I'm still in the middle of it all and some days are more clear than others.

I spent a lot of today thinking about Emma.  Who she would've been, what her personality would've been like.  How she would've similar and different from her sister and brother.  My middle child.  I'm a middle child too.

I started off doing okay, but midway through the day I struggled a lot.  I just missed her.  I wished I'd had more time, a lifetime.  I wished I could hold her and tell her I love her and how much she means to me.  I hope she knows that.  I'm still waiting for a sign.  I still pray and ask for one before bed each night.  I made it through my day though with Emma in my heart.

My precious Emma! For the rest of my life, I will carry you in my heart every single day.  You will never be forgotten.  I am lucky for the time I had with you, lucky that even for just a little bit, you were mine.  No one can take that away from me, from us. I love you, my sweet girl.

Monday, November 23, 2015


I was up in the middle of the night.  I just suddenly woke up and looked at Katie in the monitor.  I kept wishing she'd wake up and need a bottle like she used to.  I remember the night feedings, rocking and holding her and I knew I'd miss it.  As exhausted as I was, it was special.  I'd hold her and kiss her and rock her and feed her and just marvel at how lucky I was.  How I hoped everyone struggling will experience this.  As I stared at my sleeping toddler I just kept wanting her to wake up and be my baby again.  How quickly it all goes.  She's nearly 2!

Then I realized I'm supposed to be up in the middle of the night.  I'm supposed to be up with two babies. I'm supposed to be exhausted with two babies and struggling to make it through this time because they are here, not struggling because they are not.  Not awake with empty arms asking why this happened.

I sit here wondering how this could've happened and at the same time, was it all a dream?  What is the future?  Do they hate me?  Will Katie ever have a living sibling?  Do I need to accept life the way that it is?  I don't know.  I miss them.

Sunday, November 22, 2015


I've been having a hard time the past few days.  Yesterday was really hard and today is only a little bit better.  I think it's because of the the holidays.  Facebook is full of sibling photos, lots of friends either pregnant or recently having children and I'm so happy for them, but just sad for what was supposed to be this holiday and isn't.  What only I will recognize in my heart, but my family won't acknowledge.  I have a few friends I can lean on and I'm grateful for them.  You know who you are and you have no idea how much it means to me that I can mention them or talk to them or just be "me", whatever that is now. I'm starting to realize that some friendships might be changing or might be going away altogether.  I don't know right now.

I realize this is all pointless ramble.  I just miss my kids.  I wish they were here on Earth with me and my husband and Katie.  I wish I was exhausted and overwhelmed because of night feedings and a toddler.  I wish I was planning outfits and pictures and showing off my 3 beautiful kids. I know I am lucky for the one that I have and I realize it every single day and have since the moment I saw that BFP.  My twins were worth it too.  As much pain as it's been to say goodbye to them, if given a choice between never knowing them or losing them like I did, I'd do it all over again.  I'm grateful for every minute I had of them, I only wish it had been so much more.

I'm hosting Thanksgiving and starting to feel overwhelmed by it.  I normally do, but it's grief on top of it and it's just tough. Their memorial causes my husband pain, so I'll be moving it to a closet.  I feel like I'm locking up my kids.  I feel so alone even though I'm almost always around other people. I'm glad I have counseling tomorrow.  I hope it's a better session than last time.

There's also the infertility the worry of whether or not Katie will have a living sibling. I just want to be passed all of this.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015


I honestly don't know how I'm doing.  I guess in some ways better.  I'm letting go of guilt and accepting more than they died and there's nothing I could've done to save them.  The signs that I missed were missed by a lot of people, not just me, and were common signs of a pregnancy.  I will forever wish I'd noticed something sooner or instead of on a blood test, but I didn't know what I didn't know.  I didn't mean to harm them and I didn't mean to kill them.  I'm starting to understand anger and express it more, which is progress in the grieving process.  I'm also able to really think and process things unlike before.

However, I don't know how much is me and how much is medication.  I had counseling yesterday and was disappointed with it.  I didn't feel it really helped me much or that it was anything more than random talking about stuff.  I might give it a few more sessions, but maybe it's pointless now.  I don't know.  It started off with "what do you want to talk about?"  Um, I don't know.  That's why I'm here.  I told her I'm considering getting off the medication over the holiday break to see how I do and see if I have enough tools to cope without it or if it's too soon.  I felt slightly judged by that decision and could tell she didn't agree with it, but I also feel pretty emotionless right now and without direction.

I'm starting more and more to think about trying again for a living sibling for Katie.  I just watch her and want nothing more than to add t my family and give her a companion to grow up with.  She's going to be two in just under a month and the distance I'd hoped between her and a sibling continues to widen more and more with each passing month.  We do not have the funds for fertility treatments since my husband needed a cpap, there's extra medical bills from my kidney hospitalization, holidays, and Katie's birthday.  We're hoping maybe my inlaws can help us fund a cycle in the New Year.  If not, then maybe once we receive a tax return.

One thing I really wanted was something to represent all 3 of my kids that was the same.  Not something that separates them into living and not living.  I have footprints, the actual ones, of all 3 of my kids.  I found an Etsy seller who can customize them on ornaments and had this done for each of my kids.  They arrived yesterday and I love and treasure them beyond belief.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Counseling and realizations

Last night I had counseling with DH. So far he had a session without me to just talk to the counselor about me and kinda tell her what he sees at home and then I've had a few sessions.  I've been going for about a month now and I've had 6 sessions. I can definitely see improvements within myself and I don't think it's just the Lexapro.  I'm starting to let go of some of the guilt after my session last Thurs.

My counselor was mentioning a family member of mine that has an alternate view of everything.  Like she doesn't see what life is for what it is so everyone adapts to her.  The counselor then asked me if anyone blamed for their deaths.  I said no, just me.  She then said, then doesn't that maybe make me similar to this family member?  That I too live an alternate world if I think one way and everyone else thinks another?  You can def said I was mind blown and processed a lot and found the next day I'd begun to let go of some of the guilt.

So last night the session included my DH.  After the session when I was processing and today I found myself getting angry.  I heard my DH talk about how he boxes up all his emotions regarding the twins and takes them out when he can handle it.  He doesn't think about them every day and finds it annoying that I do or when my pain is obvious since it forces him to know why. He also said he finds the shelf in the dining room a "graveyard" and it bothers him to see it, but he's willing to deal with it until I get "over it."

Um, I'm never getting "over it" buddy.  My kids died.  I will move on, I will move forward, I'll even try to add to our family, but nothing will replace them, nothing will undo their existence or loss.  I carried them in my body for 19 weeks.  Everything I did or didn't do for a full 19 weeks was because of them.  At 19 weeks they moved from my uterus to my heart where they continue to reside within me. I gave birth to each of them alone.  Not his fault, he was home with Katie, but nontheless I birthed those children, 28 hours apart.  I also fought a life threatening infection that took a long time for me to physically recover from.  I also had to deal with the postpartum effects of giving birth.  My milk came in, hormones changed, my body went into labor, hormones changed to help support living children, and when it was given the chance, went through changes to return back to it's natural non-pregnant state.  At the same time as I'm recovering from this infection that killed them and almost me and I'm learning to live without my children.  It took a while for me to get to the point where I could even begin to grieve due to the shock of it all.  Once I did, I found that my family and friends (not online friends who I can say a few have really been there for me no matter what and you have no idea how much I love you) didn't want to deal with my grieving.  I went to work where I had to try and put my grief away, came home where I tried to put my grief away.  My grief had no place.  I had one person I could talk to in real life, really talk to about them.  She reads this blog sometimes. I have one other who reads this blog also and messages me and I know loves and cares about me and wants to see me get better, but I'm not sure can hear me talk about them a lot. Otherwise, it's my amazing online support who's been there for me.  The blog where I lashed out?  I realize now those words were for my family and friends.  The ones I've been there for and supported, but didn't give me back the same because their own emotional needs come before mine. It's no wonder I basically imploded.  It's no wonder I was losing it.  What else was I to do with it?  Especially when those supporting me online were feeling like I wasn't really talking to them because I thought they also didn't want to hear about them from me.  I projected this onto everyone who was there, assuming no one was.

So, now what?  Well, I'll move the supposed "graveyard", I mean, it's a shelf.  My kids were supposed to have a room and cribs.  I didn't realize a shelf to remember and honor them by was asking for too much, but fine.  I'm moving it to the bedroom that was supposed to be theirs.  This way I can be in a place that's for them and not worry about anyone else.  If I conceive again, I'll figure out where to move it to if that child survives and we start to prepare that room for them.  Probably my side of the closet since I put them where they still won't upset DH. I'll worry about it if that time comes.  I'll talk to those who are there for me and support me and not expect support from others.  It's hard with DH.  We've been together for 18 years and married for 10.  We go through everything together, but apparently not this.  Apparently this is to be separate.

I have anger now and not sure what to do with my anger.  I'm hoping this blogging helps.  I'll probably try to take a walk or maybe even jog tonight to try and rid myself of some of the anger.  I am getting better at least and starting to realize things I didn't before.  I think I am going to move forward better than my husband because I am dealing with this every single day, a bit at a time, and learning how to live in this new world I find myself in.  It's good I'm starting to let go of the guilt and I think soon I'll be able to stop the Lexapro since I'll have more tools in my belt to help me cope, but one day at a time.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Post EDD

Yesterday at work, I lost it.  I had a minor thing happen, since as usual I woke up in fight or flight mode and got myself to work.  I had a minor trigger, the feather on top of everything and in desperation got to my car not to be seen where I cried.  I tried to message one friend and she was unavailable at that moment, so I messaged another and was able to speak with her. She got me through my moment and I got the mascara off my face and went back to work.  

I had counseling yesterday too and talked to her for a bit.  I said I thought it would get better after the EDD, but it's worse.  She asked why I thought it might be.  I said before the EDD they weren't supposed to be here, now they are.  They should be here and they aren't, it's why I think it's worse.  I also always get a bit nuts around the holidays, they cause me anxiety.  I told her right now I honestly can barely make it day to day.  I don't know how to function or how to get through it.  Even a week between counseling I don't know how I'll make it.  She scheduled me for Thurs, so that I don't have to go a week this week.  And she asked me very seriously if I needed to be hospitalized.  I told her I didn't want to be.  I realize I didn't actually answer her question because I don't want to.  I'm sinking.

She had a session last week with David.  Not really for him, but for me.  To learn about what he saw from my current level of functioning.  Exercise came up and when she met with me this week she said she wants me moving more.  We agreed to 3x a week for 30 min.  She said studies show it helps with depression.  We talked meds.  I told her how the Valium and Xanax quit working.  Just nada at all.  She asked about anti depressants.  I told her I have a VERY bad history with them, but that I had a bottle of Lexapro at home.  We agreed I'd just try it and see.  If there's issue I can discontinue.  I took my first pill last night.  We also talked about mindfulness/meditation.  I told her I had trouble on my own, she recommended an app, I downloaded one last night and did it last night and this morning.

Today I woke up at 3:00 am, just unable to go back to sleep.  I'm exhausted.  I tried to mindfulness app and did meditation.  I feel calmer so far, but I can feel the anxiety starting to build up in my gut.  I'm not to fight or flight and I'll probably do more meditation after this post to try and keep it at bay hopefully.

I'm so ashamed of where I'm at.  At how much I'm struggling and how low I am.  I feel guilty that I do have a wonderful living child and I can't balance my life right now between the life and loss.  I hope there is a way to get through this.