Last night I had counseling with DH. So far he had a session without me to just talk to the counselor about me and kinda tell her what he sees at home and then I've had a few sessions. I've been going for about a month now and I've had 6 sessions. I can definitely see improvements within myself and I don't think it's just the Lexapro. I'm starting to let go of some of the guilt after my session last Thurs.
My counselor was mentioning a family member of mine that has an alternate view of everything. Like she doesn't see what life is for what it is so everyone adapts to her. The counselor then asked me if anyone blamed for their deaths. I said no, just me. She then said, then doesn't that maybe make me similar to this family member? That I too live an alternate world if I think one way and everyone else thinks another? You can def said I was mind blown and processed a lot and found the next day I'd begun to let go of some of the guilt.
So last night the session included my DH. After the session when I was processing and today I found myself getting angry. I heard my DH talk about how he boxes up all his emotions regarding the twins and takes them out when he can handle it. He doesn't think about them every day and finds it annoying that I do or when my pain is obvious since it forces him to know why. He also said he finds the shelf in the dining room a "graveyard" and it bothers him to see it, but he's willing to deal with it until I get "over it."
Um, I'm never getting "over it" buddy. My kids died. I will move on, I will move forward, I'll even try to add to our family, but nothing will replace them, nothing will undo their existence or loss. I carried them in my body for 19 weeks. Everything I did or didn't do for a full 19 weeks was because of them. At 19 weeks they moved from my uterus to my heart where they continue to reside within me. I gave birth to each of them alone. Not his fault, he was home with Katie, but nontheless I birthed those children, 28 hours apart. I also fought a life threatening infection that took a long time for me to physically recover from. I also had to deal with the postpartum effects of giving birth. My milk came in, hormones changed, my body went into labor, hormones changed to help support living children, and when it was given the chance, went through changes to return back to it's natural non-pregnant state. At the same time as I'm recovering from this infection that killed them and almost me and I'm learning to live without my children. It took a while for me to get to the point where I could even begin to grieve due to the shock of it all. Once I did, I found that my family and friends (not online friends who I can say a few have really been there for me no matter what and you have no idea how much I love you) didn't want to deal with my grieving. I went to work where I had to try and put my grief away, came home where I tried to put my grief away. My grief had no place. I had one person I could talk to in real life, really talk to about them. She reads this blog sometimes. I have one other who reads this blog also and messages me and I know loves and cares about me and wants to see me get better, but I'm not sure can hear me talk about them a lot. Otherwise, it's my amazing online support who's been there for me. The blog where I lashed out? I realize now those words were for my family and friends. The ones I've been there for and supported, but didn't give me back the same because their own emotional needs come before mine. It's no wonder I basically imploded. It's no wonder I was losing it. What else was I to do with it? Especially when those supporting me online were feeling like I wasn't really talking to them because I thought they also didn't want to hear about them from me. I projected this onto everyone who was there, assuming no one was.
So, now what? Well, I'll move the supposed "graveyard", I mean, it's a shelf. My kids were supposed to have a room and cribs. I didn't realize a shelf to remember and honor them by was asking for too much, but fine. I'm moving it to the bedroom that was supposed to be theirs. This way I can be in a place that's for them and not worry about anyone else. If I conceive again, I'll figure out where to move it to if that child survives and we start to prepare that room for them. Probably my side of the closet since I put them where they still won't upset DH. I'll worry about it if that time comes. I'll talk to those who are there for me and support me and not expect support from others. It's hard with DH. We've been together for 18 years and married for 10. We go through everything together, but apparently not this. Apparently this is to be separate.
I have anger now and not sure what to do with my anger. I'm hoping this blogging helps. I'll probably try to take a walk or maybe even jog tonight to try and rid myself of some of the anger. I am getting better at least and starting to realize things I didn't before. I think I am going to move forward better than my husband because I am dealing with this every single day, a bit at a time, and learning how to live in this new world I find myself in. It's good I'm starting to let go of the guilt and I think soon I'll be able to stop the Lexapro since I'll have more tools in my belt to help me cope, but one day at a time.