I was up in the middle of the night. I just suddenly woke up and looked at Katie in the monitor. I kept wishing she'd wake up and need a bottle like she used to. I remember the night feedings, rocking and holding her and I knew I'd miss it. As exhausted as I was, it was special. I'd hold her and kiss her and rock her and feed her and just marvel at how lucky I was. How I hoped everyone struggling will experience this. As I stared at my sleeping toddler I just kept wanting her to wake up and be my baby again. How quickly it all goes. She's nearly 2!
Then I realized I'm supposed to be up in the middle of the night. I'm supposed to be up with two babies. I'm supposed to be exhausted with two babies and struggling to make it through this time because they are here, not struggling because they are not. Not awake with empty arms asking why this happened.
I sit here wondering how this could've happened and at the same time, was it all a dream? What is the future? Do they hate me? Will Katie ever have a living sibling? Do I need to accept life the way that it is? I don't know. I miss them.