Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Post EDD

Yesterday at work, I lost it.  I had a minor thing happen, since as usual I woke up in fight or flight mode and got myself to work.  I had a minor trigger, the feather on top of everything and in desperation got to my car not to be seen where I cried.  I tried to message one friend and she was unavailable at that moment, so I messaged another and was able to speak with her. She got me through my moment and I got the mascara off my face and went back to work.  

I had counseling yesterday too and talked to her for a bit.  I said I thought it would get better after the EDD, but it's worse.  She asked why I thought it might be.  I said before the EDD they weren't supposed to be here, now they are.  They should be here and they aren't, it's why I think it's worse.  I also always get a bit nuts around the holidays, they cause me anxiety.  I told her right now I honestly can barely make it day to day.  I don't know how to function or how to get through it.  Even a week between counseling I don't know how I'll make it.  She scheduled me for Thurs, so that I don't have to go a week this week.  And she asked me very seriously if I needed to be hospitalized.  I told her I didn't want to be.  I realize I didn't actually answer her question because I don't want to.  I'm sinking.

She had a session last week with David.  Not really for him, but for me.  To learn about what he saw from my current level of functioning.  Exercise came up and when she met with me this week she said she wants me moving more.  We agreed to 3x a week for 30 min.  She said studies show it helps with depression.  We talked meds.  I told her how the Valium and Xanax quit working.  Just nada at all.  She asked about anti depressants.  I told her I have a VERY bad history with them, but that I had a bottle of Lexapro at home.  We agreed I'd just try it and see.  If there's issue I can discontinue.  I took my first pill last night.  We also talked about mindfulness/meditation.  I told her I had trouble on my own, she recommended an app, I downloaded one last night and did it last night and this morning.

Today I woke up at 3:00 am, just unable to go back to sleep.  I'm exhausted.  I tried to mindfulness app and did meditation.  I feel calmer so far, but I can feel the anxiety starting to build up in my gut.  I'm not to fight or flight and I'll probably do more meditation after this post to try and keep it at bay hopefully.

I'm so ashamed of where I'm at.  At how much I'm struggling and how low I am.  I feel guilty that I do have a wonderful living child and I can't balance my life right now between the life and loss.  I hope there is a way to get through this.

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