Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Ramblings

I honestly don't know how I'm doing.  I guess in some ways better.  I'm letting go of guilt and accepting more than they died and there's nothing I could've done to save them.  The signs that I missed were missed by a lot of people, not just me, and were common signs of a pregnancy.  I will forever wish I'd noticed something sooner or instead of on a blood test, but I didn't know what I didn't know.  I didn't mean to harm them and I didn't mean to kill them.  I'm starting to understand anger and express it more, which is progress in the grieving process.  I'm also able to really think and process things unlike before.

However, I don't know how much is me and how much is medication.  I had counseling yesterday and was disappointed with it.  I didn't feel it really helped me much or that it was anything more than random talking about stuff.  I might give it a few more sessions, but maybe it's pointless now.  I don't know.  It started off with "what do you want to talk about?"  Um, I don't know.  That's why I'm here.  I told her I'm considering getting off the medication over the holiday break to see how I do and see if I have enough tools to cope without it or if it's too soon.  I felt slightly judged by that decision and could tell she didn't agree with it, but I also feel pretty emotionless right now and without direction.

I'm starting more and more to think about trying again for a living sibling for Katie.  I just watch her and want nothing more than to add t my family and give her a companion to grow up with.  She's going to be two in just under a month and the distance I'd hoped between her and a sibling continues to widen more and more with each passing month.  We do not have the funds for fertility treatments since my husband needed a cpap, there's extra medical bills from my kidney hospitalization, holidays, and Katie's birthday.  We're hoping maybe my inlaws can help us fund a cycle in the New Year.  If not, then maybe once we receive a tax return.

One thing I really wanted was something to represent all 3 of my kids that was the same.  Not something that separates them into living and not living.  I have footprints, the actual ones, of all 3 of my kids.  I found an Etsy seller who can customize them on ornaments and had this done for each of my kids.  They arrived yesterday and I love and treasure them beyond belief.


3 comments:

  1. That such a sweet way to create a memory of all three of your kids. Hope you continue to find peace in your heart.

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  2. I think you're doing so great on making progress. The grieving process isn't linear, so as long as you're working through each thing as it comes, that's progress, and that's what you're doing now. I'm sure the medication helps, since it probably allows you to stay more present and really process things, but I'm so happy that you're finally laying down some of that guilt and self blame. I think it's normal to have those sessions where you don't take much from it, but I hope the next is more helpful. I love the ornaments and they were a great idea, and they came out beautifully.

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  3. I think you are on your way. Just take your time, as you have been doing, and stay on the meds (if you can). I know that no one wants to be on medication...but if you think it's doing some good, maybe hang on to it until the holidays are over. They are already more emotionally charged and it could be a hard crash. It's up to you.
    I do love those ornaments though! I have some blocks that are like these, but Coop doesn't have one. I like that all your kids have something the same.

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