Sunday, November 22, 2015

Struggling

I've been having a hard time the past few days.  Yesterday was really hard and today is only a little bit better.  I think it's because of the the holidays.  Facebook is full of sibling photos, lots of friends either pregnant or recently having children and I'm so happy for them, but just sad for what was supposed to be this holiday and isn't.  What only I will recognize in my heart, but my family won't acknowledge.  I have a few friends I can lean on and I'm grateful for them.  You know who you are and you have no idea how much it means to me that I can mention them or talk to them or just be "me", whatever that is now. I'm starting to realize that some friendships might be changing or might be going away altogether.  I don't know right now.

I realize this is all pointless ramble.  I just miss my kids.  I wish they were here on Earth with me and my husband and Katie.  I wish I was exhausted and overwhelmed because of night feedings and a toddler.  I wish I was planning outfits and pictures and showing off my 3 beautiful kids. I know I am lucky for the one that I have and I realize it every single day and have since the moment I saw that BFP.  My twins were worth it too.  As much pain as it's been to say goodbye to them, if given a choice between never knowing them or losing them like I did, I'd do it all over again.  I'm grateful for every minute I had of them, I only wish it had been so much more.

I'm hosting Thanksgiving and starting to feel overwhelmed by it.  I normally do, but it's grief on top of it and it's just tough. Their memorial causes my husband pain, so I'll be moving it to a closet.  I feel like I'm locking up my kids.  I feel so alone even though I'm almost always around other people. I'm glad I have counseling tomorrow.  I hope it's a better session than last time.

There's also the infertility the worry of whether or not Katie will have a living sibling. I just want to be passed all of this.

1 comment:

  1. I'll be thinking of you this holiday. I know these milestone days are always difficult when there is a loss. Hang in there.

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