Thursday, December 31, 2015

Goodbye 2015

To say I'm glad today is the last day of 2015 is an understatement.  I've been through a lot in my life, but this year has probably been the hardest..... so far.

Christmas was hard.  Very hard.  I had the bittersweet moments of enjoying the heck out of Katie playing with her toys and being happy and loving it all, compounded with the profound hole of two perfect children who are gone from the picture.  I woke up and cried, then midway through the day I disappeared to my closet after watching David and Katie play together with her kitchen and cried and cried and cried for maybe 20-30 minutes. I just miss them so much.  I cried again that evening.  It was just a hard day and I felt their loss and lack of presence more than anything.

Since the day they died I've been begging and praying every day for a sign.  I haven't gotten one.  I haven't gotten anything.  Christmas was the last time I did this.  It's not going to come and they probably hate me, if there is anything after this world.  I don't know what to think or what to believe.

The past few days have been hard.  Then I started not feeling well.  I've done so much for my health.  Then this morning I woke up, had a shower, fed cats, got dressed, and I'm sitting at my computer.  My face and arms start burning and I'm beet red.  I take pics, text my sister who's a nurse.  I'm freaking out.  I'm planning on a medicated cycle next time and now I'm ready to crawl in a hole and I'm doubting it all.  My REs office isn't calling me back like they said they will, the not feeling well and random rash, I'm scared it's all a sign of bad things.  That maybe I should go hide in a cave and forget about all of this.  Maybe I'm stupid for even thinking there might be another child for me.  I don't know.

I've spent the week trying to be positive and thinking of all the possibilities and plans for 2016.  I really want to get my real estate license and do more with my EOs.  Now I sit here defeated.  Fuck you 2015, fuck you.

I edited this post on 1/2/16 since I meant to add this pic I took on NYE of lighting candles for my twins and I forgot.  Then I couldn't do it on my phone.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

This Christmas

To anyone reading this.  I'm aware of maybe 5-6 people who read this.  The rest of you, I'm not sure.  I look at the number of views and I'm always shocked and wonder who found me and who's reading and why.

Anyways, to anyone hurting and struggling this Christmas, I'm sorry for your pain. I know how bad it hurts and how lonely you feel.  I hope someone has reached out and let you know they care. Even if you've never commented and we don't know each other, please know that I do care. I'm wishing you peace and strength to get through the holiday.  It's what I'm wishing and praying for myself.   Hoping 2016 brings some things to smile about.

For those who are joyful this season and are celebrating within their hearts, I'm so happy!  I know a few people who's dreams and wishes have finally come true and I know this is one special Christmas. Congrats for the happiness you have and may 2016 continue with joy.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Trying to survive December

I'm finally at the last month of this year.  I hate to call the whole year awful.  I started it with hope that I would conceive again and I did in January.  My husband had just gotten a job after 6 mos of unemployment.  Those twins brought me so much joy.  I was scared, of course, but so excited. Katie was going to be a big sister, I was going to be done TTC, I was finally completing my family.  I'll never forget our 10 year wedding anniversary on April 16th.  I made the official announcement on FB and as DH and I toasted I felt I had everything.  We all know six month later I lost two of the best things that ever happened to me.

Two weeks ago I got off the Lexapro.  I wasn't feeling much of anything on it and was even thinking of reducing and maybe stopping counseling.  I went two weeks without counseling.  I realized on Monday I can't cut that part out, I need it.  I'm having such a hard time right now.  My birthday was yesterday and all I wanted to do was cry and cry and cry.  I miss my kids so much.  My gut, my heart, my soul just misses them.  I want to hold them, tell them I love them.  Every single night, every single one, I beg, pray, ask for a sign, something.  I get nothing.  I want to know that they are okay, I want to know if they hate me.  I want them to know I'm sorry.

I'm functional.  I don't think about hurting myself.  I don't run out of work breaking down.  I don't hide and avoid others, but I'm in so much pain.  Christmas this year is just painful.  I want them here.  I'm supposed to be so tired and overwhelmed right now, but with joy.  Katie is more and more precious each day and that hurts my heart for the other two.  I also don't know what the future holds.  My birthday made me 35.  I'm AMA now and with DOR.  Last time I conceived was nearly a year ago.  I don't even know if I can.  My body is having so many issues and weird stuff right now.  I can't control it anyways and right now I don't have the money for a treatment.  

I feel angry right now.  So much anger.  I want this year to end.  I just want this year to die a horrible death and suffer just like my heart.  I don't want to feel what the rest of this month has to offer me.  I've never, ever experienced pain like I have in the past almost 7 months.  Counting my time away from them, not with them.  Counting milestones that separate me from them.

This time of year is just hard.  I just passed the two year anniversary of my dad's death.  I had a lot of complicated things there, unresolved issues.  My living child turning 2 and watching her grow and she's just so amazing.  I'm so lucky for her.  She's growing too fast for me though, I'm trying to savor and take in everything and she keeps changing all the time and I need to make this last.  I just turned 35.  Christmas and New Year's without my kids.  I want my kids.  I just want them.  My MIL texted me as I'm typing this for what time to be at her house on Christmas and I'm just crying and want to text back I'm not coming.  I don't want to come.  I don't want to do this.  There is no such thing as Christmas when they are not here.  I just want my husband to take my daughter and I want to be alone at home. Of course, I can't really do this, it would cause "issues".  Instead I'll put on the fake happy face and go.  New year's Eve is mine though.  I don't owe anyone anything, and that's my night to just remember them and be with them.  To sit in the dark with candles and hold my kids in my heart.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Kate is 2!!

At 8:21 am two years ago today, I became the mom of someone more amazing than I ever realized. Kate Lyn is everything I ever dreamed of and more. All the pain and tears of infertility were worth it to me when I held her and every day I thank my lucky stars for her. In two years this tiny infant has grown into a smart, sassy, strong-willed, sweet girl. She is gentle and kind to animals, obsessed with Barney, loves to climb, jump, and all things water. She enjoys books, coloring, chalk, and paint. She is so funny and has an amazing sense of humor. My girl is the whole package and I'm honored to be her mom. Happy 2nd birthday my wonderful girl!

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Hard day

I can't stop thinking about them tonight. Today has been a hard day. I started emotionally okay, but it's gotten worse and worse. I want to cry, but the tears won't come. I miss them so much right now it hurts deep. Every night now for over six months, it's the same question, the same prayer. Please, please a sign that they are okay. A dream, anything. I'm doubting myself tonight. Do they hate me? Was I wrong to try and let go of the guilt? Am I selfish? Letting go of the guilt only benefits me and changes nothing for them. I'm hurting right now. I miss them.

I couldn't sleep last night and I'm exhausted. I need to sleep and not sure I can. So much on my mind right now, mostly pain and fear. I'm praying for peace. I need something. I hope I get it.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Making progress

Here it is December.  The last month of the year is here.  I don't know how to explain 2015.  I'm not sad to see it go.  I can't say I wish this year had never happened, because even though I only had Emma and Chase for a short while, I'm grateful I had them at all.  The year started off with my conceiving them and ended with empty arms,  No idea what 2016 will bring.

In October I hit my lowest of lows.  I got over another serious illness and was left in a serious depression.  I started counseling and got through my EDD, but emotionally I was drowning to the point of danger.  I'd drive to work and look around and start planning how to have an "accident".  I believed that I was unworthy to even have my daughter and she'd be better off without me and her dad would make sure she was okay and even find a real replacement.  Someone worthy of her.  I carried everything about Emma and Chase's death on my shoulders.  I believed I was the one who killed them, that I was no better than these monsters in the news.  That I failed them.

I hit rock bottom one day, sitting in my car at work crying.  Unable to function. I reached out to a friend and I called my counselor.  I was left with little option-go to a hospital or start taking a medication.  I was not okay.  I chose a medication.  The last thing I wanted was a hospital.  I guess I'm extra sensitive to meds, but I responded right away.  I was supposed to double the medication after a week, but I didn't.  I stayed on the same dosage since I saw progress.  I kept all my counseling appointments, which were starting to become twice a week and after the medication went to weekly.  Until this Monday.

I got through the six month mark.  I cried and I missed them and I struggled, but I wasn't in a dark hole I couldn't climb out of.  I was able to truly be thankful for what I do have on Thanksgiving and be okay, even though I wished with all my heart all my kids were with me.  I am doing better.  I've let go of guilt and that was through counseling.  I still have the shoulda, woulda, coulda, but I accept I didn't know better and really there were no signs I was so sick and that their lives were in danger until it was simply too late.  I'll probably never know why they are gone and there probably isn't a reason, it just happened.  I still wish and pray they'd visit me in a dream or let me know somehow they are okay, but for now I have to have faith that they're okay and they don't hate me.  I hope they know I did all I could and I wish I could undo what happened.

The Friday before Thanksgiving I decreased my medication in half.  I was on 5 mg of the Lexapro for over a week.  Sitting in my counselors office after 25 minutes of talking and nothing else to say, I asked her if I still needed counseling.  She told me I was doing really good and she recommends I go every other week for the remainder of this month and if still doing well, discontinue in January.  That I can always come back if I do treatments or something comes up and I need counseling again, but right now I'm doing pretty good.  I decided if I was this improved, then it was time to let go of the Lexapro.  I'd rather keep counseling as a tool than a medication since the counseling is what I need to continue coping.  The meds were to get me out of an emergency situation and it did.  Today is my first day without Lexapro.  We'll see how I do.  This is the first test of "how am I?"

I'm dealing with some guilt.  I'm doing better, I'm starting to move forward.  I'm evening thinking about treatments again in 2016 and imagining a new future, seeing Katie possibly with a new sibling, one that isn't Emma or Chase.  Being hopeful that she will grow up with someone and I'll get to experience a full pregnancy and baby once again.  So, what about them?  This is great for me, but what about my two children who are not here?  I feel in some ways like I'm moving on without them.  I know in my heart I'm not.  They will always be a part of me and my family, but at the same time it just feels like it and I feel guilty.  I still need to work on that part.

For now I can admit that I really am doing better, that I'm starting to put one foot in front of the other.  We'll see how it continues.