Thursday, December 31, 2015

Goodbye 2015

To say I'm glad today is the last day of 2015 is an understatement.  I've been through a lot in my life, but this year has probably been the hardest..... so far.

Christmas was hard.  Very hard.  I had the bittersweet moments of enjoying the heck out of Katie playing with her toys and being happy and loving it all, compounded with the profound hole of two perfect children who are gone from the picture.  I woke up and cried, then midway through the day I disappeared to my closet after watching David and Katie play together with her kitchen and cried and cried and cried for maybe 20-30 minutes. I just miss them so much.  I cried again that evening.  It was just a hard day and I felt their loss and lack of presence more than anything.

Since the day they died I've been begging and praying every day for a sign.  I haven't gotten one.  I haven't gotten anything.  Christmas was the last time I did this.  It's not going to come and they probably hate me, if there is anything after this world.  I don't know what to think or what to believe.

The past few days have been hard.  Then I started not feeling well.  I've done so much for my health.  Then this morning I woke up, had a shower, fed cats, got dressed, and I'm sitting at my computer.  My face and arms start burning and I'm beet red.  I take pics, text my sister who's a nurse.  I'm freaking out.  I'm planning on a medicated cycle next time and now I'm ready to crawl in a hole and I'm doubting it all.  My REs office isn't calling me back like they said they will, the not feeling well and random rash, I'm scared it's all a sign of bad things.  That maybe I should go hide in a cave and forget about all of this.  Maybe I'm stupid for even thinking there might be another child for me.  I don't know.

I've spent the week trying to be positive and thinking of all the possibilities and plans for 2016.  I really want to get my real estate license and do more with my EOs.  Now I sit here defeated.  Fuck you 2015, fuck you.

I edited this post on 1/2/16 since I meant to add this pic I took on NYE of lighting candles for my twins and I forgot.  Then I couldn't do it on my phone.

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