Here it is December. The last month of the year is here. I don't know how to explain 2015. I'm not sad to see it go. I can't say I wish this year had never happened, because even though I only had Emma and Chase for a short while, I'm grateful I had them at all. The year started off with my conceiving them and ended with empty arms, No idea what 2016 will bring.
In October I hit my lowest of lows. I got over another serious illness and was left in a serious depression. I started counseling and got through my EDD, but emotionally I was drowning to the point of danger. I'd drive to work and look around and start planning how to have an "accident". I believed that I was unworthy to even have my daughter and she'd be better off without me and her dad would make sure she was okay and even find a real replacement. Someone worthy of her. I carried everything about Emma and Chase's death on my shoulders. I believed I was the one who killed them, that I was no better than these monsters in the news. That I failed them.
I hit rock bottom one day, sitting in my car at work crying. Unable to function. I reached out to a friend and I called my counselor. I was left with little option-go to a hospital or start taking a medication. I was not okay. I chose a medication. The last thing I wanted was a hospital. I guess I'm extra sensitive to meds, but I responded right away. I was supposed to double the medication after a week, but I didn't. I stayed on the same dosage since I saw progress. I kept all my counseling appointments, which were starting to become twice a week and after the medication went to weekly. Until this Monday.
I got through the six month mark. I cried and I missed them and I struggled, but I wasn't in a dark hole I couldn't climb out of. I was able to truly be thankful for what I do have on Thanksgiving and be okay, even though I wished with all my heart all my kids were with me. I am doing better. I've let go of guilt and that was through counseling. I still have the shoulda, woulda, coulda, but I accept I didn't know better and really there were no signs I was so sick and that their lives were in danger until it was simply too late. I'll probably never know why they are gone and there probably isn't a reason, it just happened. I still wish and pray they'd visit me in a dream or let me know somehow they are okay, but for now I have to have faith that they're okay and they don't hate me. I hope they know I did all I could and I wish I could undo what happened.
The Friday before Thanksgiving I decreased my medication in half. I was on 5 mg of the Lexapro for over a week. Sitting in my counselors office after 25 minutes of talking and nothing else to say, I asked her if I still needed counseling. She told me I was doing really good and she recommends I go every other week for the remainder of this month and if still doing well, discontinue in January. That I can always come back if I do treatments or something comes up and I need counseling again, but right now I'm doing pretty good. I decided if I was this improved, then it was time to let go of the Lexapro. I'd rather keep counseling as a tool than a medication since the counseling is what I need to continue coping. The meds were to get me out of an emergency situation and it did. Today is my first day without Lexapro. We'll see how I do. This is the first test of "how am I?"
I'm dealing with some guilt. I'm doing better, I'm starting to move forward. I'm evening thinking about treatments again in 2016 and imagining a new future, seeing Katie possibly with a new sibling, one that isn't Emma or Chase. Being hopeful that she will grow up with someone and I'll get to experience a full pregnancy and baby once again. So, what about them? This is great for me, but what about my two children who are not here? I feel in some ways like I'm moving on without them. I know in my heart I'm not. They will always be a part of me and my family, but at the same time it just feels like it and I feel guilty. I still need to work on that part.
For now I can admit that I really am doing better, that I'm starting to put one foot in front of the other. We'll see how it continues.