I'm finally at the last month of this year. I hate to call the whole year awful. I started it with hope that I would conceive again and I did in January. My husband had just gotten a job after 6 mos of unemployment. Those twins brought me so much joy. I was scared, of course, but so excited. Katie was going to be a big sister, I was going to be done TTC, I was finally completing my family. I'll never forget our 10 year wedding anniversary on April 16th. I made the official announcement on FB and as DH and I toasted I felt I had everything. We all know six month later I lost two of the best things that ever happened to me.
Two weeks ago I got off the Lexapro. I wasn't feeling much of anything on it and was even thinking of reducing and maybe stopping counseling. I went two weeks without counseling. I realized on Monday I can't cut that part out, I need it. I'm having such a hard time right now. My birthday was yesterday and all I wanted to do was cry and cry and cry. I miss my kids so much. My gut, my heart, my soul just misses them. I want to hold them, tell them I love them. Every single night, every single one, I beg, pray, ask for a sign, something. I get nothing. I want to know that they are okay, I want to know if they hate me. I want them to know I'm sorry.
I'm functional. I don't think about hurting myself. I don't run out of work breaking down. I don't hide and avoid others, but I'm in so much pain. Christmas this year is just painful. I want them here. I'm supposed to be so tired and overwhelmed right now, but with joy. Katie is more and more precious each day and that hurts my heart for the other two. I also don't know what the future holds. My birthday made me 35. I'm AMA now and with DOR. Last time I conceived was nearly a year ago. I don't even know if I can. My body is having so many issues and weird stuff right now. I can't control it anyways and right now I don't have the money for a treatment.
I feel angry right now. So much anger. I want this year to end. I just want this year to die a horrible death and suffer just like my heart. I don't want to feel what the rest of this month has to offer me. I've never, ever experienced pain like I have in the past almost 7 months. Counting my time away from them, not with them. Counting milestones that separate me from them.
This time of year is just hard. I just passed the two year anniversary of my dad's death. I had a lot of complicated things there, unresolved issues. My living child turning 2 and watching her grow and she's just so amazing. I'm so lucky for her. She's growing too fast for me though, I'm trying to savor and take in everything and she keeps changing all the time and I need to make this last. I just turned 35. Christmas and New Year's without my kids. I want my kids. I just want them. My MIL texted me as I'm typing this for what time to be at her house on Christmas and I'm just crying and want to text back I'm not coming. I don't want to come. I don't want to do this. There is no such thing as Christmas when they are not here. I just want my husband to take my daughter and I want to be alone at home. Of course, I can't really do this, it would cause "issues". Instead I'll put on the fake happy face and go. New year's Eve is mine though. I don't owe anyone anything, and that's my night to just remember them and be with them. To sit in the dark with candles and hold my kids in my heart.