Friday, December 30, 2016

Anna Belle

Mary has a name!  DH and I decided on Anna Belle. Family hasn't cared for that name, so I actually haven't shared it with them yet.  Somehow having the name makes her more real.  With her being more real, came a lot more emotions, and not all of them good.

I don't know what it is, but for some reason after deciding on the name, I wanted to back out of it.  Even though it had been the name I'd wanted for so long.  I felt disconnected from her the min we decided it.  Then DH brought up painting the nursery and basically I shut down. I felt as if I made a huge mistake by having Anna and it was like I didn't want her. I know I do, I know how much I love her, but I didn't feel that way.  I don't know why.

I do know I've been struggling with a lot of grief over the holiday.  Wondering what it would've been like had Katie, Emma, and Chase celebrated together.  I still see them, but not her.  I've had trouble visualizing Anna into my family.

I do know the name is the right one, it's not that.  It's that I'm scared and just sad.  I wish I had all my children.  I've gotten a lot of comments over the holiday, things like can't wait for Katie to finally be a big sister. You'll have the "perfect family of 4". What is a perfect family?  I think my family would've been perfect if all my kids had been born alive. I guess I feel like with the birth of Anna, Emma, Chase, and Ivy will become insignificant.

Also, there's the fact that up until now I didn't actually think in my heart I'd get to bring Anna home. I was consumed with making it to viability, consumed with making sure I didn't get sick again.  My focus was on "if" she makes it.  Now "if" has become "when" and "most likely".  Can something still happen?  Absolutely, I'm well aware of placenta becoming detached, cord accidents, and other freak things that can happen.  Are these scenarios likely? No, not really.  If she were born today, it would be very scary and she'd be in a lot of danger, even with making viability. Viability is the chance to live, not the guarantee to live. But again, it's unlikely she'll be born this early.

At my appt on Tuesday, she weighed 1 lb, 13 oz (3 oz shy of 2 lbs), she's healthy and everything looked good.  Cervix very long and closed, no signs of dilation, no bleeding/spotting, I have plenty of fluid. I also told Kate about the baby on Tuesday and she came to the appt to see about the baby.  Not sure how much or what sunk in, but it will be an ongoing convo.

I did reach out online regarding my feelings and was told they aren't unusual.  I also told my MFM and will tell my OB next week.  Everyone has assured me that all of this is normal following a loss.  I also have a counseling appt where I'll be talking about it more.

With the realization I'm probably going to bring her home, comes the panic of getting things ready. I feel like I don't have any time, all of a sudden. April will be here soon, and there's a lot to do.  I know things can be done after she's here, but I also want to make it fair.  Katie had everything prepared before birth.  It's just all very mixed up in my head and I know somehow, someway it's going to be okay.  I know I'm so incredibly lucky to have the chance to bring her home.

Anna looks amazingly like Katie.  I'm talking they could almost be twins.  I wonder if they'll continue to look alike and if their coloring will be the same.  Here's a comparison pic of NB Katie (hours after birth) and the latest 3D image of Anna.


Here's to meeting my sweet rainbow in the New Year and to continuing to heal. Happy New Year's everyone, here's to 2017!

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas

I wanted to take a moment to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.  Thank you to everyone who's been there and supported me through the good times and the hard times.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm struggling a lot this holiday season.  I know I have my reasons to be happy and grateful and I am, but everything is complicated and grief is a process, not an event.

Wishing and praying for peace and light in everyone today.  Thank you all for the love and support.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Viability

I know it's been a while since I posted. There has and hasn't been a lot going on.  I'll start with all the good.

I'm 24 weeks!!!!  "Mary" is now viable!!  YAY!!!  I had my MFM appt this past Tues and she looked fantastic.  My cervix was over 4 inches long and everything looked great.  I was even able to get a great 3d image of her.  Doesn't she look like such a sweetheart???  Really feeling hopeful about holding a healthy "Mary" in my arms this April.

Mary enjoys breakfast tacos, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and kicking.


So, the not so great stuff...  I'm having A LOT of BH.  I'm talking almost nonstop.  Luckily it doesn't seem to be affecting my cervix, but it's concerning.  It happens regardless of my activity level or water consumption.  I naturally drink water like crazy. One thing that has helped it some is magnesium.  I drink a magnesium supplement twice a day and it's helped calm things down some, but I'm still getting them multiple times a day, every day. My MFM was going to release me after this past appointment on Tuesday, but she's changed her mind due to the BH and cramping (they come together).  She's going to check me out again on 12/27 and if I'm still having them, she's going to prescribe Procardia.  I was given Procardia injections with Katie when I went into PTL to stop it a little before being admitted for PTL.  Since I'm not actually having PTL, she thinks a script might calm down my uterus.  So, we'll see how the next two weeks go.  

The other thing is anxiety.  Anyone following me knows that this has been a struggle for me.  It's elevated a bit and reminds me a lot of when I had a Katie.  I had Post Partum Anxiety with her and didn't know it.  By the time I realized the constant intrusive thoughts and irrational fears were not normal, DH had just lost his job and I couldn't see my OB.  I conceived the twins a month after he got a new job.  I'm having the intrusive thoughts and some rational, but also irrational fears again.  I'm doing okay and functioning well day to day, but I'm very emotional and it's just been hard.  I've been talking to my counselor about it and I will mention it to my OB at my next appt. on January 5th. This anxiety is why I haven't posted in a while. 

So, here is "Mary" and I at 24 weeks.  While she's considered viable, she is definitely far from ready to leave my body. Next big goal is 28 weeks, but for now I celebrate this milestone.


She's 3!!

So, here we are three years later.  I can't believe my baby, my oldest child, is now 3.  She was the very best birthday gift I ever got and she makes my heart smile every single day.  So much has happened in the last three years. I don't even recognize myself in photos from "before".  However, this is the child that made me a mom.  The child who made my infertility fight worth it.

Happy 3rd Birthday Kate Lyn!


Here's a collage of birth, age 1, age 2, and age 3.  I love the girl so much.  There are just no words.
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Her expression at seeing Santa for the first time.
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Our first family picture ever
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The one we just took for our holiday cards this year.
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Here's a few things that tell about who she is right now:


Her birthday party is on Saturday and will be Mickey/Minnie Themed.  I'm really excited about it because she's really into birthdays and this will be the first one she really enjoys. She's going to have the best time and I can't wait to see that face of hers light up. So much mush I could say about this girl, but let me just say she is truly my absolute Sunshine and she is going to rock with "Mary" this Spring.

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Rainbow Mary is a......

Gender reveal day came!  First time ever I didn't end up in the ER, yay!!  The progesterone shots are doing their thing.  Everything looks good!  I'll post more pics of decorations and stuff later when DH gets them off the camera, but for now to share to what everyone wants to know.

I LOVE this cake that our person made!  So gorgeous and it helped bring me peace when I got it.


So, is "Mary" a boy or a girl?

l
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GIRL!!!!!!





Thursday, November 10, 2016

Anatomy Scan

I'm 18w6d, the same gestation I was when Emma was born.  Tomorrow will be the same as when Chase was born.  It's hard to explain how I feel.

I had my anatomy scan with Mary this morning and he/she is doing wonderful. Everything looks good and in general it's been a good pregnancy so far.  I'm feeling more and more optimistic about bringing Mary home.

However, I do think about my twins.  Wish they'd gotten this level of support, of help.  They'd be here.  I'm trying not to just stay stuck on that because I can't change it, but it still hurts. It's hard to explain, it's a lot of emotions.

So, here's a shot of Mary from today.  Gender reveal on Saturday.  I'll be sure to share.


Saturday, November 5, 2016

Milestone

Just a small victory I wanted to share.  I'm now 18w1d with Mary, and this is the farthest I've ever made it in any pregnancy without complications.

With Katie I started having complications at 16w0d and with Emma and Chase it was 18w0d. Both of these were within 1.5-2 weeks of stopping progesterone. I've been on my progesterone injections for two weeks now after being on suppositories since 2 dpiui.

I am still scared and having a lot of PTSD.  I think November may end up being my toughest month.  My therapist has increased my sessions for this month to help me and I'm working on it a day at a time.  Treasuring the good moments (now) and hanging on during the tough ones. Still 5w6d to viability (but who's counting).  This moment I feel hopeful I'm going to make it. I know viability isn't my ultimate goal, but it's a milestone where the baby has a chance, even if it's only 50%.  My real goal is not a day sooner than April.

Anatomy scan with my OB this Thursday (11/10) and gender reveal one week from today (11/12).  Some of my PTSD is around the reveal, along with gestation. I went to the ER with both Katie and the twins with their reveals. Meeting with a good friend of mine tomorrow to help me plan it and I told the cake lady my situation and she said she'd take care of everything to only drop off the envelope and check and pick it up in a week. This moment I'm feeling optimistic about the reveal and I'll be mailing out the invites today.

Okay, deep breath, one day and one moment at a time.  This moment I'm 18w1d, Mary is doing awesome, I'm feeling well.  It's going to be okay.  We're going to make it.  I know my sweet and precious angels are cheering us along and continue to be a part of my family.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

7 ounces

I had my first cervical check with the MFM today.  Every two weeks she'll be measuring my cervix and seeing I'm dilated at all and checking for any sign of IC (incompetent cervix) or PTL (pre-term labor).  It's not believed I have IC, just PTL, which the progesterone shots should hopefully be helping with.

My cervix measured 6.31 cm today, which is awesome!!  You want over 4 cm.  So right now there's no sign of cervical shortening.

She also did a sort of anatomy scan where she measured and checked all diff parts of the baby.  I'm 17w4d today and she got most everything except the heart.  Everything looked normal, just some things she needed in the heart are still too small at this stage.  I also go the final a-okay on my CVS that this baby is genetically fine.

Then she told me how much the baby weighed today.  The baby is 7 oz.  7 oz.  That number struck a chord. Chase.  My beautiful, perfect Chase, was 7.2 oz at birth.  This baby was now the same weight as my oldest son when he was born.  I couldn't stop thinking about Chase after that moment. Chase, who should've just had his second Halloween. Chase at 7.2 oz whom I held.

The twins were born at 19 weeks and I am now 17 weeks.  I know what pretty much what this baby would like if he/she was born today. I can't stop seeing this baby and hoping I don't see him/her except via ultrasound, for quite a while still.

I cried a lot this afternoon after I got home from work.  Cried in grief for my son.  So far this baby is growing an oz a week (MFM said baby was 4 oz three weeks ago) so in two weeks when I return for my next check, baby will be about 9 oz.  Emma was 9.0 oz at birth.

I miss my kids so much.  I wish this had been done for them.  God, I wish I'd had the care then that I do now.  The white blood cell checks for infection, the cervical monitoring, all of it.  They'd be here, I know it.  They would.

I'm also having a hard time with my gender reveal.  It's at 19 weeks.  This month will be hard, these weeks hard.  I want to cancel it and just hide.  I just don't care what the gender is.  I feel like I should do this because I know the reveal has nothing to do with the outcome of the pregnancy.  Also, I did it for Katie and I celebrated and I had pictures.  I did go to the ER the morning of hers, with bleeding.  So the whole gender reveal thing is triggery.  But how do I tell this baby one day I was too scared to believe in you to celebrate?  I can't do that and so I'm trying, but it's just so hard.  I don't even know how I'm going to get the clubhouse it's at decorated.

I know this post is all over the place.  Just having a hard time tonight.  I'm glad Mary is doing well.

I'm having some BH that I'm tracking and also a lot of pelvic pain.  If I'm on my feet about an hourish, it hurts so bad I want to cry and I can hardly move.  My MFM recommended a belt, so I got one from amazon that should be here Thurs.

Monday, October 31, 2016

The Announcement

Feeling sick to my stomach and trying to get the guts to post this on social media, but this is it!  First official family picture.






Friday, October 28, 2016

17 weeks + update

I'm now 17 weeks!!  Can't believe I've made it this far, yet still a ways away from viability, but hey, everyday I'm closer.

I had my first progesterone shot today and I was pretty nervous about it.  I'd heard some icky things, but truth be told, it wasn't that bad.  The Novarel trigger shot is so much worse. Here's hoping this keeps Mary in until April.  18 more injections to go!!

I'm mostly doing okay.  I had a hard time last weekend and on the 20th, the twins EDD.  A very close friend of mine IRL is due one week before me and will be having twins.  Her ultrasound was 10/20, which hit home for me and then her gender reveal was a week ago.  She is having boy/girl twins and I'm elated for her, but the grief was real and I had my moments of sadness.  So much is being done this time, so much that Mary has a good a chance as possible to making it.  If something happens this time, it was literally out of everyone's hands.  I'm being checked for infections, cervial checks, progesterone shots, I'm taking supplements (pregnancy approved) to boost my immune system, keeping myself very healthy.  Watching for any and all signs of anything that doesn't feel right and I know should that happen, everything will be explored.  These are things that most likely would've saved their lives.  Ivy is different, because there was no way to save him from Trisomy 16.  The twins could've been saved.  Not saying it's anyone's fault, but I've had my moments of crying, my "what if" moments.  I accept that it's okay and normal, I grieve, I cry, I move forward.  I am so thankful and grateful to have a chance to bring Mary home and I feel more and more confident that I will.

Here are dates and things coming up:

Monday 10/31 - I'll be officially announcing my pregnancy on social media.  I'll post my announcement here as well.  Most people still do not know I'm pregnant.  I both show and don't show. It depends on what I wear and honestly some days I have more belly than others. Yesterday I realized I just do not fit into any of my pants anymore, so this weekend I'll be washing all my maternity stuff and embracing it.

Tuesday 11/1 - MFM appointment.  I'll be starting my cervical checks via ultrasound every two weeks until 24 weeks.  At that time we'll talk about how things are and if I need to continue with the MFM or not.

Thursday 11/10 - Anatomy scan with OB @ 19 weeks.   I'll have one with MFM too, but that will be scheduled on 11/1. Feeling less nervous about this since the CVS results came back normal.

Saturday 11/12 - Gender reveal!!! I'm honestly having an emotional time planning this.  It's more trigger than I realized.  However, Mary deserves to be celebrated in the same manner as my others.  I'll be 19 weeks, and that could be triggery for me.  At least it's after the anatomy scan and hopefully things will still be awesome.

Friday 12/16 - VIABILITY!!!! I'll be 24 weeks and it's also Katie's 3rd birthday!!  Hoping to really be celebrating this day.

This is the scary period for me.  I'm in the window where complications began with my prior pregnancies.  Katie's started at 16 weeks when I started bleeding, then twins at 18 weeks when I first had a real sign something was wrong. Truly hoping the scariest thing about this pregnancy was the Trisomy 18 scare.

Movement: I've felt a bit here and there, one day last week I felt Mary 3 times in one day!! Nothing daily or consistent in general though.  I'm guessing I will in the next few weeks. I also tried the doppler last week and found the heartbeat!!  That was awesome!!  Feeling a little nervous, so I'll probably do it again this weekend.

Overall things are going really great and for that I'm grateful!!  <3

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Thank you!!!!

Thank you guys so much for all the love, thoughts, messages, prayers, just everything.  I know who some of you are, but not all of you and I'm so thankful for everyone's support.

I've had a very scary few days, but if that's the worst thing that happens this pregnancy, I will happily take it!!!  Now that I've calmed down a bit and finally eaten and slept I can post more.  I do read all the comments, so if there's any questions I'm happy to answer or do another blog post if I think others might want to know as well.

I'm now 15.5 weeks.  It is believed that the false positive might've come from one or both of the empty sacs from Mary's B & C, since this was a triplet pregnancy at the start.  My MFM told me typically DNA from those sacs will dissolve within 2 weeks, but something that might've been a sac was seen on the u/s on Tues when I first saw my MFM and also everyone is diff. I'm guessing one or both of the other Mary's, unfortunately, had Trisomy 18.

What I got yesterday are called FISH results.  They are the initial results from a CVS.  It means I'll get the full results in about a week, but the MFM told me she's seldom ever seen where they FISH results indicate everything's fine and then the full report comes back with an issue.  She said since the genetic test and FISH test came back fine (and FISH ruled out Trisomy 18), she's expecting an awesome report back with the full genetic testing too.  I'm just so glad this Mary is okay and it's looking more and more like I'll bring her home.

The MFM set me up with the progesterone injections.  I'm supposed to start them within a week.  My insurance approved the shots along with a home health nurse to administer them.  I need to call the nurse today to set it up and get this!  Her name is MARY!!!  LOL!!!  The signs are everywhere.  I also saw a yellow butterfly yesterday on my way to check the mail and yellow is Mary's color, so I just feel really positive about everything.  I know there's still a long way to go, but I'm not going to let it take away from how far he/she has come.

I see my MFM again 11/1 and I need to set up an OB appointment as well since I ran out of there crying on Thursday and never even completed my appointment.

Here's a little snapshot of Mary last Thurs before the scary news.


Oh!  One last thing: Gender.  I did get gender results with all this testing.  I personally do not know the gender.  It's sealed in an envelope.  I need to plan a reveal with family and I'll have to talk to hubby and figure out when to do it.  We will all find out at the same time. I'm guessing within the next few weeks.  I want to enjoy and celebrate this amazing baby and the gender is just fun for me, not at all of importance.  I don't have a preference, just want a healthy, living baby.  I do think Mary is a girl though.  A few have asked if Mary is a girl will I keep Mary and the answer is no.  My MIL's name is Marianne and I worry that other family might feel slighted and most of them don't understand the reference.  Very few IRL people see this blog, this is mostly my safety net where I can post my heart and thoughts.  

Monday, October 17, 2016

Mary is...

PERFECT!!!! He/she is okay!! The FISH results point to a perfectly healthy baby.  I'm beyond relieved. I was so terrified of losing him/her. Still trying to get my heart back in my chest.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Wave of Light

Lighting these candles in memories of Emma, Chase, and Ivy.  I miss and love them so much.  My heart aches for them daily.

I'm also hoping with all my heart not to be adding a fourth candle next year.  I'll update Monday once I know for sure.  Thank you for everyone who's thinking of me and all my kids.  Your thoughts, prayers, and messages mean so much tome.



Thursday, October 13, 2016

Bad News

I was hoping for a different post today, but life is what it is.  Mary's progenity test (blood DNA) tested positive for Trisomy 18.  I was given a 50-60% chance he/she has it.  I had to have a CVS done today, this is where they take some tissue from the placenta to test it.  The CVS is 100% accurate.  I'll know Monday if Mary has Trisomy 18 or not.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Second Trimester!!

Hard to believe, but here I am, 14 weeks!  I'm officially in the second trimester and right now hoping I make it smoothly to the third.

I'm mostly doing okay.  I still hardly have any energy and work is just hard.  I'm constantly exhausted and struggling to stay focused.  As I'm typing this, I just want to sleep.  Sleep is something I struggle with in general.

I've had some anxiety and panic attacks this week.  I have to say it's definitely increased, but it's hard to say why.  I know Ivy's due date was a trigger and I guess other things are too.  Trying to stay positive and go a day at a time.  I had a bleeding scare last weekend.  I thought I was bleeding, but then realized when I put in for my new progesterone script the pills came back red.  Stupidest thing in the world to make red progesterone pills.  I mean who does that????  At least I know it's that and not blood.

Still no luck with the doppler, but I suspect I'm just doppler challenged.  I am starting to feel some bubbles and little something here and there.  Not much and not daily.  I do look forward to movement.

The MFM office called me yesterday and got me scheduled for Tuesday.  I'm actually really upset at them. When I got the call to schedule, I was asked if I was currently pregnant with twins.  My heart just stopped and I didn't even know what to say.  I just said, no, they died.  The lady then says, oh, but you are currently pregnant?  I'm like yes, pregnant with one baby.  Then she got me scheduled.  No sorry, no nothing.  I was so upset by the phone call I ran a red light after getting off the phone and then I pulled over until I could calm down enough to drive safely. The whole thing just caught me off guard and its like please read your notes more carefully before calling me.  Then I'll see my OB on Thursday too.

I am so lucky to have all this extra monitoring and extra care to increase the chance of a healthy, full-term Mary, but the appointments also come with anxiety and it's been hard to juggle work.  If things still look good next week, I'm hoping maybe I won't have anymore until the anatomy scan next month.  We'll see. I can handle anything that helps Mary.

Struggling with what to do regarding a gender reveal too.  It's a bit triggery for me since I went to the ER the morning of Katie's with unexplained bleeding (low-lying placenta) and then Emma was born the day of hers.  I want to do this since I did it for my other viable pregnancies, but just struggling with it all.  I'll try talking to DH this weekend.

Last a picture from last week.  This was 13 weeks and I was feeling pretty positive after my OB appointment.  I'm a lot bigger at night, but overall not showing much, luckily, since I really haven't come out with it at this point.  I'm thinking of announcing on Halloween and have a cute announcement planned, just need to do it.  I'll be 17 weeks then.


Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Ivy's Due Date

Today is October 5th, my EDD with Ivy.  It's hard not to think about what it would be like to be having him right about now (assuming I would've given birth full-term).

Ivy is special to me for many reasons.  One thing about Ivy is he is the one who pushed me towards healing.  I didn't realize how bad a place I was until I was pregnant with him and having such a hard time emotionally.  Pregnancy after loss is hard, there's lots of fear, disconnect, grief, but there's also hope, promise, and some healing.  I was in such a bad place at that time I couldn't let anything good in.  I remember being angry I was even pregnant with him.  I never, ever wanted to lose him, but I was so scared it would happen.  I was scared to let myself love him.  Scared to see him as another child who could join my family and instead viewed him as the baby I might have because my twins died.

Because of Ivy, I'm doing better with Mary.  I hit rock bottom after Ivy and seeing how I was when I carried him and how much I struggled after, told me I needed to be in a different place if I was going to attempt this again.

I wonder what Ivy would've looked like, how his personality would've been.  I hope he and the twins are close and get along.  I love him so much and I'm so grateful for him.

I had severe anxiety yesterday, pretty much panic attacks.  I ran out of the building I was in and sat in my car and wasn't sure I could get it together.  I somehow did and made it through my day.  I held my Ivy bear all night and thought about him.  I decided this morning that yes, there's grief, but there's also love.  I wanted the love to be stronger than the grief, so today I've done a lot better.  Today I've let in the love that is Ivy and for the most part I'm doing well.  I have counseling later on, so hopefully that will help as well.

To my wonderful son, Ivy!  You are loved, you are missed, you will ALWAYS be a part of my family.  Thank you for being my son and a part of my life.


Thursday, September 29, 2016

First OB appt

I had my first OB appointment and it was so hard at first.  I sat in my car and wasn't even sure I could bring myself to go in.  I had so much anxiety and all I could think about was the last time I sat in my car, 18 weeks pregnant with the twice, having bleeding, and scared to death.  I just relieved that whole last week up until delivery in my car and kept telling myself I HAD to go back in there.  This is a different baby and I owed it to myself and this baby to go to this appointment.

I went in and the ultrasound tech was so sweet.  She could tell I wasn't exactly okay and I went into my history.  Once she understood she was really the sweetest, I got a pretty long ultrasound and I got to hear the h/b a bunch of times.  Then I saw my OB and I'm so glad I came back to him.  He seemed genuinely glad to see me.  Gave me a huge hug and asked what did I need from him?

I had to fill him in on everything, including Ivy. He said absolutely on the progesterone and MFM.  He's submitting my referral tomorrow and I'll hear back early next week. He ran blood for infection, thyroid, genetic, and first trimester screening.  He also said he'd run monthly blood work to check for infection and if I so much as sneeze wrong and am concerned to call him and he'd get in for a full check. I felt a lot of heart and concern and that everything I needed was addressed.  He kept asking me what did I need from him and it was just a very good visit.

This is the first time I'm even considering the thought of, I might get to bring Mary home.  This baby may actually make it.  I don't think I let myself get that far before.  I just can't believe it. I think the results of the genetic testing will go a long way and hopefully I'll get continued confirmation that everything is okay with Mary and hopefully that will help with anxiety and fears as well.


Baby Mary measures 12w4d (I'm 12w6d) and the h/b is 166.


Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Graduating!!

Today was an exciting day!  I graduated from my RE for the very last time.  I had my final appointment and Mary is doing fantastic.  He/she was dancing around for me and putting on a show and everything measured on point.  I found out that very first RE gave me the wrong EDD, so my RE said it's really 4/6 and that puts me at almost 12 weeks.

Mary measured 11w4d today and had a strong heartbeat of 170.

For the past week I've had extreme anxiety and I even woke up in the motn last night in a panic over this appointment and some contract work I'm doing.  I'm feeling so much better and I'm glad I have therapy tonight.  I think the whole illness thing really kicked me into PTSD and I want to talk about that because illness happens.

Thank to everyone who's been supportive and nice and understanding that this is a scary pregnancy for me, but I'm doing the best I can day by day. I've come a long way from where I once was and healing is a process.  Your comments and support have meant the world to me.



Now a small update on my oldest daughter.  She's doing okay.  She's definitely traumatized from the barium enema and the hospital wanted to do another, even worse test on her.  I don't know if she needs all that, so right now I'm going to bump that test into later in the year and get a second opinion from a diff GI on 10/27.  This also gives time to see how she's doing. Hopefully she'll be doing okay and it was just major constipation that really needed to get cleaned out.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Never-ending Fear

I can't believe I even let my mind go to announcing or even thinking this could have a happy ending.  I'm honestly just back in my cluster of fear and it takes so little to put me there.

I got sick on Tuesday.  I was okay that morning and then as the day went on I felt worse and worse.  Close to when I was leaving work was so nauseated I thought I was going to pass out.  Then I just felt like ice.  When I walked through the door my mom said I had no color and felt warm.  I had a temp of 100.2.  It climbed throughout the day as I panicked.  I had no illness symptoms other than fever, shakes, and chills.  No sneezing, congestion, nothing.  I was really losing it when it hit 101 about two hours after the initial temp.  I took tylenol and tried to figure out what to do.

The ER wouldn't care.  I'm only 10 weeks, that's like I'm not even pregnant to them.  My RE.  Did they even have an emergency thing in place?  I had no clue.  My OB hasn't seen me yet.  I thought let me just try and get sleep and make it to morning.  I can call my RE and maybe get in for b/w and an u/s.  My fear was an infection, like with Emma and Chase.  At 1 something in the morning it was at 102 and the tylenol hadn't made much of a diff.  I decided to try my RE and sure enough they had an emergency line.  IMO my RE was a real jerk.  Told me it was "probably" viral and to take tylenol and not worry.  Not worry?  Last time I had a fever while pregnant, I lost two children.

I took the tylenol and it did help, I was finally able to get some sleep.  In the morning I tried my OB, but he wasn't in that day.  They offered to get me in with one of his partners, but it would be later that day and b/w results wouldn't be until the following day.  All I could think was Mary was already gone.  I had no rational though, I'd been fight or flight since I first took my temp.  I ended up going to the minor emergency clinic by my house.  It was a virus, as my RE thought, but it took b/w to confirm it.  They also checked me for flu and pneumonia. I know they thought I was crazy, but my last 3 fevers were the following:

1. E.coli-hospitalization
2. blood infection-hospitalization and the stillbirth of Emma and Chase
3. Pneumonia-very sick for a month and ended up with an URI after.

They used a doppler for all of a second to alieve my concerns about Mary and sent me home.  I didn't get much of a fever on Wed, but I was very lethargic and had sweats and chills all day long.  I took it easy.  Thurs I had it even milder and went back to work.  Yesterday I was mostly okay.

I am still emotionally terrified and I realized, once again, that very little is separating Mary from life and death.  I don't know how she's ever going to make it.  I don't trust my body and I don't trust doctors.  I am the only one in the family who was sick this week.  I am just petrified.

I am upset with my RE.  I spent $200 on a visit that should've cost $25.  He should've had me take the tylenol and come in first thing for b/w and an u/s and then sent me home.  Instead I ended up at an emergency center.  My RE has never even checked up on me.  I'll go to final appt Wed, but I'm ready to be done.  My OB's office really did try, I was just too terrified to think right at that point.  I'll see him on 9/29.


Monday, September 12, 2016

Better days

So, I've calmed down A LOT since my prior meltdown and I'm doing better.  Had a conversation with someone Friday that really helped me.  It more than helped me, it was therapeutic and helped me move forward in my grieving, because I think I've become a bit stuck, especially being pregnant again.

I'm feeling a LOT more positive about "Mary".  Am I still scared?  Yes, I don't see much changing with that throughout the pregnancy and if I'm lucky, I'll be feeling scared until April.  However, I feel less doom and gloom.  I feel more excited about Mary as well.

I'm dealing with some guilt issues regarding Emma, Chase, and Ivy.  Different reasons for all 3, but still guilt.  I realized on Friday I need to stop looking at death as a bad thing.  It's a bad thing for ME.  I am sad.  I miss them.  I want them.  However, THEY are okay.  THEY are not hurting or suffering.  I'm trying to reframe myself into my feelings being mine and not projecting onto them.

Katie....  Still no answers from out appt on Thursday.  I called the GI to leave a message.  I am trying some gluten free stuff for both of us.  I apparently can't find a thyroid doctor, but I can do some things with diet and supps, so I'm going to approach it that way and focus on what I can control.  Gluten may or may not be affecting Katie, but it's worth a try.  I honestly rely a lot on gluten, so I'm working on cutting down and trying some substitution items and hopefully I can cut out.  I'm admittedly a very picky eater, which sucks.  However, I'm starting to make changes.

I'm not sure when to announce my pregnancy out in the open.  I originally thought 10/5 was a good date, I thought it would honor my 3 angels because the twins c/s date was 10/5 and Ivy's due date was 10/5, but now I feel like it would dishonor them.  I dunno, just really torn.

Just wanted to update for anyone interested that I'm mostly doing okay right now.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Vent-feel free to skip

I'm breaking down crying right now and I just have to get this out.  I doubt anyone even cares, so I'm just going to post here.  I just can't fucking anymore.  Just no.

I had to take Katie to the GI today, for a complaint I've had since she was TWO WEEKS old.  She turns 3 in December.

The GI was like, she's had issues for THIS LONG and she's just now here???  I'm feeling like POS mother of the year. I've brought this up to her pedi at every visit. He ordered an x-ray barium enema for today at the hospital because he was seriously concerned.

My poor, sweet, girl.  Thanks to home enemas for a week and two x-rays, she's already traumatized.  She starts to scream and cry at the very mention of a doctor.  Every day I have to assure her the following:

1. No x-ray
2. No doctor
3. No poo poo medicine

Today we had to do all 3. She was happy before and after the actual procedure, luckily. I can't be in the x-ray with her because of "Mary", so DH is there with her, but of course she wants mama, so I'm crying in the waiting room while I hear her scream outside.  I get her home.  She's calm, no BM, no pain, she's happy.  I put her down for nap, because it's been a looooong day and she's been through a lot.  She doesn't nap, she's a happy girl. She's quietly playing with toys.  I'm dead tired, been up since 1:30 am.  I start laundry, checking the crockpot dinner, catching up on work stuff, just trying to get done what I can.  I get her about an hour later because she's not napping and I don't like her to just be in her room.

I walk in to what I can't even describe.  She blew up all over her whole room.  The carpet everywhere, bedroom furniture, every stuffed animal, blanket, pillow case.  I have no words to describe except to say her room is brown.  I had to throw away the large green rug and spent over an hour scrubbing the rest.  DH had to scrub her while she screamed because she hates showers, but it was on her feet, toes, chest, everywhere.  She still had on a diaper.  A complete nightmare.

I'm so upset I couldn't get a fucking doctor to take this shit seriously for a long time now and now she has to go through all this.  I'm fucking tired of doctors.  I was scared to death about Emma and Chase.  This is why I switched OBs at 15 weeks.  No one was taking me seriously.  Every appt, I hurt, I feel horrible, I'm tired.  Here, take tylenol.  Tylenol masks fever.  I'm bleeding, I'm scared.  The u/s looks fine, urine is good.  They died.  My babies fucking died.  Now I'm pregnant again and can I trust any doctor? No.  I have to stay with who I had with the twins, because they'll at least take it more seriously.  I have to trust people I don't trust to protect "Mary" because my body can't do it.

My thyroid.  I can't get a fucking doctor to take this seriously.  Oh, your Hashimoto's isn't THAT bad.  You're on progesterone so it's okay your t3 is low.  It's not fucking okay.  It's not.

I can't anymore.  I'm just broken and scared and I don't know why it's so hard to get people to listen, to care, to do something.

I'm sure anyone who even took the time to make it this far (if anyone) is probably like there goes pregnant lady losing her mind over nothing.  I just seriously can't anymore.  I am so scared.  How is "Mary" even going to make it?  I'm only 9 weeks?  16 to viability.  A long ass time to term.  Viability only means a "chance", that's it.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Anger

I've been feeling upset a lot for the past few weeks.  It started as a depression, but morphed.  I get mad at DH for EVERYTHING.  He's an awesome, laid back guy.  Anyone who's met him, knows that he is truly one of a kind, will do anything for me guy.  Lately though, I can hardly stand him.  He just tells me good morning, and I feel rage.  I've been fighting with him on every little thing, just really not being myself.  I blamed hormones, mainly pregnancy.

Tonight it hit me.  I'm not sure how or why it hit me, but I'm angry because of grief. I was talking to a good friend of mine.  This is someone who became a really good friend to me AFTER I lost my twins.  Her DD is the same age as Kate and she pulled me out of the house that first summer, listened to me cry, gave me hugs, brought me food, shopped with me for flag supplies, lets me bring them up whenever I want and acts casual about it, which is what I need.  So, she is due one week ahead of me, but she's having twins.  I'm being a supportive friends, but it hurts.  It just does. I started getting angry that her twins (I assume the best) will be fine and mine weren't.  I'm not mad she's having twins, I'm mad mine are gone.  I started realizing as I was talking to her that my anger has to do with my grief.

I'm angry that the future I had planned changed.  I'm angry that I will never raise ALL of my kids.  I'm angry that my dreams and what I see in the future is different from what it once was.  I'm mad that Emma, Chase, and Ivy are gone.  I'm mad and I'm hurt.  I'm not mad at my husband, it's not hormones, it's grief, it's loss.  It's being angry that they are gone and yes, I'll remember them, and yes, I'll honor them, but they are gone.  When I picture my future it's Kate and the baby I'm currently carrying.  It's all it could ever be.

For almost a year now, my therapist asks, where is the anger?  I don't really allow myself to feel it or exhibit it, but here it is.  The anger is here, but what do I do?

"Mary" update

I had my 9 week appointment today and things are still looking good.  "Mary" is measuring 9w1d with a strong h/b of 174.  I suspect girl, but gender doesn't matter.  The sacs seemed to be gone now too and I'm trying to find peace by telling myself all 3 became one amazing baby that's going to be just fine, now if I can keep believing it.  Right now I'm feeling optimistic, but that comes and goes.

I've been having lots of symptoms, emotional is probably the biggest one.  I feel bad for DH, but I am a bitch and there's no other way to put it.  I feel so bad for how I am and I'm trying to be better.  I cried over the weekend and that helped.  I just felt so overwhelmed and drowning with everything.

DH and I have decided to make the pregnancy "public" on 10/5/16, assuming all is well.  This was my EDD with Ivy and my scheduled c/s date with Emma and Chase, so technically all my angels were due then.  The announcement will honor ALL my kids and I'll share once I have it ready, probably closer to the end of the month.

Okay, that's the good stuff.  The not so good stuff:

Kate is having serious bowel issues. We've had concerns her whole life, her first appointment for this concern was at two weeks old and it's been an issue ever since.  It's taken a turn for the worse and I finally have a GI appt for her Thursday.  Hoping we can get some answers and have my sweet girl feel better.  It's been a nightmare for her and hard for us as parents to try to help her.

I saw a new thyroid doctor on Friday.  I was hoping this one would really be great since he was so recommended everywhere.  He told me I don't even have a thyroid issue at all (first one say that) and that my symptoms/issues are pregnancy and gastric bypass related.  I was very upset and right now I'm just done. Done.  No one will give me the right meds or help me, so it's just whatever.  I don't know what to do anymore.

Here's a picture at 9 week old "Mary"

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Another struggling post

I feel sad.  I'm very overwhelmed in life right now with my jobs, with a health issue regarding Katie, just everything seems to be piling up on me.  While I was happy to see a h/b the day of the ultrasound, the reality that Mary started out as 3 and now is one is getting to me.

My therapist was on vacation last week, so Monday will be two weeks since I've seen her.  I honestly feel like I'm near a breaking point.  Not a personal safety kind of breaking point, but just emotional.  I don't cry easily and honestly my whole chest feels packed like sardines.

I'm having a hard time feeling optimistic about the baby I do have.  For some reason 2/3 of this pregnancy is gone and didn't make it.  Still unsure if these were babies or not since the sacs were empty and not sure how to place all of this in my mind and my heart.  Since two of them are gone, it makes me pessimistic for the third.  What happened?  And why is this one okay so far?  Am I going to lose this one too?  I'm panicking since I'm really expecting not to see a heartbeat next time I go.  I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack over it.  A few days before my last ultrasound my symptoms significantly dropped and have continued that way.  I hardly feel anything now, I know it's because my body recognized what happened and I'm probably producing less hormones than before.

I have 0 doctor monitoring my thyroid.  I just couldn't do the heart palps with everything else.  It got better after the decrease, but never went away.  This week I just felt like I couldn't take it anymore when I was lying there in the motn with my heart pounding.  Two days after stopping synthroid the palps went away completely.  It's been a relief, but I know my thyroid is not okay.  I know the synthroid wasn't helping, but I'm having a hard time finding anyone who will help me.

FB just reminded me that 3 years ago today, I reached viability with Katie.  Will I ever reach that with Mary?  Just seems so far away and so many roadblocks.  I'm having weird pains and cramping this morning and I'm panicking.

I think that's it, I feel like I'm in a state of panic right now.  I just don't know.  I know this post is all over the place, I'm just grieving, I think about my other 3 kids nonstop lately, the two sacs, scared about Mary, worried about Katie, issues with my job, plus general life stuff and I'm overwhelmed and can't process. I feel like a failure when it comes to everything right now.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Conflicting emotions

I'm the kind of person who always needs time to process information.  I usually tend to need things to sink in before knowing how I feel about something.  As yesterday's ultrasound sat in my mind and I processed it between work and dealing with some health issues concerning, Katie, I started to get sad.  My feelings are honestly all over the place.  My therapist is on vacay this week anyways, so I just have to deal with it.

I wanted a singleton, however, this began as a triplet pregnancy.  Even though two of the sacs stopped developing before a baby was formed, I still feel a loss.  I'm also feeling a lot of guilt regarding Emma, Chase, and Ivy.  Things I'm doing differently because they are gone, things doctors will do differently.  I'm thinking ahead in the future and, of course, they aren't in the picture.  They are my kids and I will love them with each breath of my life.  I miss them and wish I could bring them back, but they'll reside in my heart and hopefully in the heart of their siblings (and father), but as far as when I envision the future, it includes two children, Kate and "Mary."

So, I'm really struggling and having a new wave of grief with my three angels, plus trying to find in Mary's B & C.  Do I name them?  Is this a loss of potential pregnancy?  A loss of pregnancy?  Where they do they fit in?  What happened?  Why did they stop developing?  Is something also wrong with Mary A and I just haven't seen it yet?  I'm getting more scared for Mary A because I'm barely into the first tri and 2/3 of the pregnancy is already gone. I'm having a hard time finding the optimism for Mary A today.

I'm also having a lot of guilt with Mary's B & C, similar to my feelings with Ivy.  With Ivy, I had a hard time emotionally, and after I conceived him, I had a hard time accepting and wanting him.  And then her was gone.  Likewise I'd hoped and prayed for a singleton, because I'm high risk, because things ended badly with two, because the more babies I carry, the higher the chance of losing them, of prematurity, of defects, issues, etc. There's also the financial realities too, it would be very hard for me to afford that many children and provide a life for them.  I was going to accept what I got, but I feel like they all died because I "wished them away" so to speak.

I'm just very torn and having a hard time finding my way from here. I'm also worried about things in general.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Mary's second ultrasound

I had my followup ultrasound today to see what's going on with Mary.

The two iffy sacs from last time are indeed nonviable.  They have yolk sacs, but neither progressed beyond that point. I'm extremely conflicted about what's happened.  I wanted a singleton pregnancy.  For many reasons I'd hoped not to have multiples and I am relieved to have one, healthy baby, at this time.  However, knowing that the other two eggs did fertilize, that I should have two more babies is hard.  I am mourning their loss and wonder what happened.  I'm very glad and grateful for Mary and hope he/she continues to thrive and do well.  I am also comforted by the fact that the other two sacs contained yolk sacs, but no fetal poles or babies.

As for my "Mary" she is doing wonderful.  Mary measures 7w2d and has a strong heartbeat of 153.  My due date is April 10th.  My next appointment is September 6th.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Day of Hope

I've been doing a lot of reflecting this week.  I'm back at work now and I'm really able to see "how" I'm doing.  What I'm noticing is really shocking me.

I didn't realize how bad I was doing.  I had no idea I was falling apart so badly, I woke up each day literally trying to keep the pieces together.  I didn't realize that each day was about survival, about picking myself up, about just physically existing through my day.  That's all I did all of last year.  And I had days I did that better than others.  I had days where I literally survived minute to minute and prayed I'd get to the next.  I had days I gave up, so many days driving to work I tried to see which tree I could hit the hardest when I "accidentally" swerved off the road.  I had days where I was numb and it was easier.  Every single day was a struggle.  I was a shell to everyone who saw me.  How I ever made it, I'll never know, but I did.

Then I got pregnant again in January and things got worse.  I was angry at being pregnant, angry that Ivy wasn't Emma and Chase and never would be.  I was angry at myself, at God, at life, at everyone and everything.  I don't know how to express anger, so it turned inward.  Then Ivy died and had to be removed from my body and the little bit of soul I had left with him.  I fell down further until by the end of April I couldn't climb out and the light had long blown out.  In a desperate move I tried to find a gun.  I came to my senses and nothing ever happened, physically.  I had a lot of other emotional responses, but I saw that I was not okay and I was not living.

I climbed up after that.  I told myself I was going to get better.  I didn't ever want another pregnancy like Ivy, never wanted to have so much anger, sadness, and desperation that it blocked out the love I had for others.  I started doing more in therapy, I slowly stopped the meds I was on, the ones that were numbing me.  I reread the Tom Zuba book (please, please if you have lost a loved one, no matter who or in what capacity, read this book!) and I moved forward.

On the anniversary of Chase's death I fell down the stairs.  I had a hard time with that. I couldn't walk and emotionally I struggled, but it still wasn't like before.  I slowed down and spent more time with Katie. This was the first summer I truly got to be with her and she is so amazing.  I was grateful for all we had, the songs, the places we went (once I could walk), the art projects, the messes, the potty training, all of it.  I cooked food, went swimming as a family (once I could go in a pool again), and saw some friends.

I felt I came to a place where I could try one more time for another family member and close that chapter and we know where I am now with that.  I've gone back to work and I'm smiling, I'm "with" it, I feel like I haven't been to work in years because emotionally I was just surviving last year.  Anyone who has seen me, can see how I am, how much I've changed.

I feel guilty this week.  Guilty for letting life back in.  Guilty for smiling, guilty for being "okay" and I mean truly "okay."  Guilty that I know I can live without Emma, Chase, or Ivy in my physical world.  Oh I think about them every single day.  Every morning they are my first thought.  I miss them and I wish I could see them, hold them, and be with them.  I talk to them in my heart.  But I'm guilty that I'm moving forward, truly moving forward with my life.  I have plans and goals, I look forward to things, I smile from my heart, not just with my face.

I don't know what to do with this guilt.  I feel in some ways I'm betraying them.  How dare I be happy without them?  How are I be okay without them?  How dare I accept and even more, embrace this life that they are not a part of?  Is keeping them in my heart enough?  Is not suffering every minute enough?  Is it okay to be glad for the living child I have while others didn't?  I am struggling with this.  In my head I know it is okay.  In my heart I feel a betrayal.  It's something I'll talk to my therapist about.  It's something I'll continue to work on.  I've come a long way from where I was before.

Today, is August 19th, which is the day of Hope for our babies who are no longer with us.  I'm trying to think of what this means to me.  How does HOPE relate to my children who have none?

I have Hope that they are WITH me, just not in physical form.  They are apart of my every day, of my life.  I have Hope that will live through their siblings, that they will be with them throughout life.  I have Hope that I will never forget them, never stop loving them, never miss them.  I have Hope that I can live life knowing I am better because of them, grateful they are mine and a part of my life, happy that I am their mom and that nothing can ever change that.  Hope that I can parent them in a different way, bu saying their name, telling their story, and supporting others who also have loved and lost and are trying to make their way through.  There is hope for Emma, hope for Chase, and hope for Ivy that even though they aren't a part of this world physically, they still affect it, they are still within me, and that they still touch others.

Every word of the following is true for Emma, Chase, Ivy, and all the other babies that left our world before we wanted:


I realize a lot of this is ramblings, but it's thoughts that have been running through my head.  I miss my babies so much.  I'm in a better place, but I still miss them, and I still love them.  I'm grateful for Mary and hope Mary ends up on Earth with me, but I accept he/she may not. Emma, Chase, and Ivy, you are forever loved and forever remembered.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Mary's first u/s

Today's u/s was hit and miss.  Here's the good:

Mary A is doing great so far!  He/she has a strong heartbreat and measures perfect.  Mary B has a sac and maybe something, but hard to measure/see more at this point.  Mary C looks like an empty sac.  Honestly, it's hard to know right now with Mary's B & C.  My next appt is next Wed, 8/24 and I'll know more then.


Mary A on the left, Mary's B and C stacked on the right on top of each other.




This is Mary A, the flicker in the middle is the baby.


How am I feeling?  Very, very mixed. I'm scared for anything more than one baby, although even one is scary right now.  I'm trying to adopt the attitude of right now I have one baby that looks perfect for the gestation and for this I'm glad and grateful.  One day at a time and I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.  Feelings are subject to change (and will), of course!

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Terrified

So, tomorrow is the ultrasound that will tell me what's going on.  I'm so scared.  My biggest fear is a non-viable pregnancy, like with Ivy, followed by multiples.  DH's fears are switched.

Friday night I didn't sleep well and had anxiety all night and then Saturday morning I was in a full blown panic attack, plus it started storming, which makes it worse.  I had anxiety most of yesterday and took a unisom to help me sleep.  Today has been a bit better since I got rest, but as it's getting closer I'm just more and more afraid.

To everyone thinking of me, praying, reaching out, thank you.  I'll update tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Feelings

It's been a week.  Lots of up and down and lots of emotions.  I had counseling yesterday and spilled them all out for her.  She agreed I'm still doing well and these thoughts are normal.  They don't get in the way of my day to day.  I don't cry all day long and can't function because of them.  I'm someone who's lost three children and none of this is easy.  I'm trying to believe in Mary, but every time I think about my ultrasound Monday I think of the day of Ivy's ultrasound.  So many feelings.

Happy
I am happy to be pregnant and to have this chance to bring Mary home.  I honestly didn't think I would get another opportunity, but I did.  I am glad that so far everything looks good.  I haven't had bleeding, spotting, or anything else scary. It makes me smile to think of bringing home a baby of watching Katie grow up with someone, of imagining what a new member might look and act like.

Fear
I'm so scared I'm going to lose Mary.  Scared of the ultrasound Monday, scared that even if that one goes well, I'm still very far away from bringing home Mary.  I'm scared that something is going to go wrong and I know until Mary is in my arms (and I pray this happens), I will just be in fear.  How could I not be?  

Guilt
I feel guilty that I'm more happy and excited about this pregnancy than I was about Ivy.  I feel so guilty that Ivy got the worst of me.  I try to believe that he knows I love him and I'm sorry. Physically I did the right stuff. I didn't drink alcohol, watched what I ate, took progesterone, didn't drink coffee, etc.  Emotionally, I was grieving so hard I didn't have a chance to be happy about him.  I was also so scared I'd lose him I didn't want to connect.  My fears came true and I did lose him and in the end it didn't matter that I didn't emotionally open my heart, he was already there and it still hurt.  I feel guilty about all my angels, that they are gone, and now I'm daring to dream of a future where I see a different child grow up with Katie that isn't them.  A different child in my future.  My angels will always be with me in my heart, but it's not the same as having them in my home.

Hope
I'm hopeful that this time it might be different.  Maybe more like Katie, a few blips, but ultimately bringing home a baby.  I have hope that with so many members on board it's going to go well, that Mary will live and Mary will get to be raised by me and her dad and grow up alongside Katie.

Grief
No matter what I will never, ever have all my kids in my home.  I feel this emptiness, this hole where they should be and they aren't.  I wish I could have them all.  I wish I could hold them, I wish I could tell them I love them.  I wish I had one more day with each of them. I miss them so much.

Anger
I'm angry that my innocence is gone.  Mary will never be "safe" and it's never going to be okay until/unless Mary is placed in my arms.  There's no place in pregnancy where I can let the guard down, even if I reach viability, that doesn't mean Mary will come home and I know this. I'm angry when I see so many others celebrating because I feel robbed of this.  I'm angry that my other kids are not with me.  I'm angry that infertility has caused me to do treatments that put me at risk for multiples and a higher risk of not bringing home a living child.

I feel all of these and more.  Lately it's more overwhelming.  I'm trying to enjoy Katie with every minute I have and focus that today Mary is okay, as far as I know.  That right now I don't have a reason to worry, but the fears are still there. Praying so hard on Monday I see a heartbeat on the ultrasound. 


Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Bad Mom

Right now I just want to cry. People seem to think I can do this, people seem to think it's going to be okay.  It's not going to be okay.  The last two days I've realized how utterly selfish I was in doing this final treatment. I'm a horrible mom to "Mary." How dare I try to get pregnant?

How will this end okay?  I don't even see it being possible. I brought innocent life into a broken body.  3 other children didn't make it and I don't see why this is different.  This is even worse because unlike last time when I didn't know I had thyroid issues, now I do know.  And I still went and did it and now I can't find a good doctor to manage it.  I only have doctors that look at what's in range and say I'm fine, which isn't true.  It's 99 here and I'm in a sweater and socks because I am freezing cold.  I have off/on heart palpitations.  The one recommended doctor covered by insurance in my area, can't see me.  Mary is going to die.  I don't know when, I don't know how long, and I'll keep finding, because I owe him/her/them, but I'm a shit mom for this and I'm ashamed of myself.

I just wanted to bring another child home, another child to love, a child for Katie to grow up with, but I was selfish.  Making kids is one thing, giving them a proper body to grow is another and I failed. I failed WITH knowledge this time and however this happens, I deserve it.  I just hope Mary knows how sorry I am.  How much I love him/her/them and how I didn't realize I was being this selfish until it was too late.

I'm also having a lot of guilt about Ivy. Poor Ivy, I was selfish then too.  Getting pregnant and my poor son never had love from my heart. I did what I was supposed to do as far as food, drink, supps, etc, but I almost despised him for being him and not my twins.  I'm just a very sick, awful person.  I disgust myself.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Mary's 2nd Beta

I had my RE consult today.  I asked him what the chance were that I was only pregnant with one.  He kinda shook is head and lowered it and said, we'll see at the ultrasound.  So, I'm pretty sure he's thinking multiples too.  That brings a whole new level of paranoia, but I'll deal with it then.  Today, I am pregnant and things are going well, right?

So, my beta is 948, or at least it was at 10:00 am.  Doubling time from the first beta is 45.40 hours, not bad.  So, right now everything is progressing well.

My first ultrasound is scheduled for 8/15 @ 8:40.  The idea of the ultrasound itself brings up anxiety, much less what I might see.  However, I'm trying hard to stay present and remind myself that today "Mary" is doing well and that's all I can ask for.  I am lucky to have "Mary."

My RE also recommended a baby asprin and told me I can't travel any more south that I'm already  located and to use bug spray for Mosquitos anytime I leave the house. I know Zika is a real thing since it's in Florida now and Texas is known for its skeeters as well.

So, today, right now, things are okay and that's what I'm focusing on.  I also spoke with my therapist today and I've really been doing so much better in the past couple of months that we decided to reduce my sessions back to once a week.  If I start struggling again, they can be increased.  However, I've really been doing well.

So, as I keep repeating (and I'm sure I'm getting annoying) right now things are okay and for that I am grateful.

Friday, July 29, 2016

Mary's 1st beta

Sorry I'm posting this so late, it's been a hectic day.  So, today I'm 4 weeks along and my beta at 14 dpiui is 311!!  Yes, it's a good number and yes, it's high.  It's actually the medium beta for triplets according to betabase.  I know betas don't always mean anything, I've seen multiples with low numbers (like my friend who's beta was 45 and found out today she's having twins) and higher numbers don't always indicate multiples.  I think I would be shocked to find out I'm carrying one, but glad and honestly, that was my preference.  I think right now I just hope no more than two, but the reality is I had three eggs and that chance is there.  We'll see.  It absolutely terrifies me to think of multiples, but right now I'm going to try my hardest not to focus on that.  Right now I'm going to try hard and focus on the fact that right now I AM pregnant and right now Mary is doing awesome and that's all that matters.  Tomorrow will come, but for now I'm in today.  It's the only way I can do this.

On Monday I have my second and last beta and the ultrasound will be scheduled then.  I'm guessing it's on 8/12.

Well...  This was the "Hail Mary" and I do live in Texas, so go big or go home?

Praying this works out.  Here's my last strip of testing.



Some symptoms have kicked in.  I have nausea starting today, my pregnancy insomnia has been going on since about Wednesday, and I've had a touch of round ligament pain today.  All in all, not complaining.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Progress

Today I'm 13 dpiui and tomorrow is beta.  My lines show up better with SMU, so I haven't tested yet today.  Yesterday it took me a long time to get a test because I seem to have some kind of stomach bug that lands me in the bathroom frequently, joy.  Dealing with it today too and I hope it passes soon.  Naturally, I'm terrified of any kind of illness and I'm lucky that since I was last hospitalized in Sept, I've been very healthy.  I went nuts on a bunch of vitamins and I am a user of essential oils and use a health one daily and will continue to do so.  I will also ask for frequent monitoring of infections, but one step at a time.

Here's the progression so far.  I've had a few people ask and I'm careful where I post these because there are many others still trying for their BFP and I'd hate for anything I have to cause someone else pain.  The lines are looking good and I do suspect multiples, not just due to lines, but it's a gut feeling.  I told DH this will either not work at all or it will and there will be more than one.  He's eerily calm about this, I'm not, but I keep going back to focus on today, focus on today.  Today everything is okay, today the pregnancy is going well, today "Mary" is thriving and that's all I can do for now.

I've had an outpouring of congrats and support.  It's really meant a lot to me.  Anyone who's seen me from the start or even a few months ago can see that I'm handling this emotionally better than I did Ivy.  Ivy is the reason why this was able to happen.  Ivy led me to healing after I realized how lost and broken I was.  I'd like to think that my three, beautiful angels, are watching over "Mary" and helping keep everything well until "Mary" can join our family in person.  But that's a long road off and I'm only focused on today.

Progress so far.  The first FRER is 10 dpiui, I just didn't have a chance to mark it.  For anyone not familiar with fertility treatments, in my case dpiui = dpo.




I'll update with beta results tomorrow once I get them. They tend to come later in the day.

My thyroid appt was kind of a bust. I'm going to get the testing that was recommended, but I'm not sure I like the clinic.  I felt very dismissed about everything, I newly pregnant, and while happy, I'm terrified, there's also grief, it's just a lot, although I'm doing what I can to remain optimistic.  Anyways, I felt like she didn't care about anything I had to say.  I did meet with the PA and not dr.  I explained my loss history and my thyroid issues, explained how I currently feel. She said all she cared about for pregnancy was my TSH, but they are testing a few things and want to do an u/s on my thyroid.  My followup isn't until 8/17.  I'd hoped for a sooner followup and also a script, because my free t3 is low.  I'm going to look around and see if I can find another clinic.  I'll call the recommended one with the weight loss and see if being pregnant helps me get an appt sooner.

For now I'm mostly okay, trying to stay positive and think good things.  I don't know how long "Mary" will live or be a physical part of me, so I'm trying to take advantage of all the time I do get.  Other than the stomach thing, I'm doing okay.

Thank you everyone for your words of support, encouragement, and for supporting me on this journey.  It means so much to me.

Monday, July 25, 2016

10 dpiui

I know I left the last one off on a cliffhanger and a few people have been wondering what's happened.  Yesterday I honestly wasn't sure and didn't feel too optimistic, then today's test put in "Phase 2".

I am cautiously optimistic to call this a BFP.  I will, of course, be testing, but right now I feel comfortable enough calling it.  Both the bottom tests are today, and the last one is only with a two hour hold.


So, naturally I'm feeling a million different ways.  I'm scared, so scared.  I'm trying to remain optimistic and keep my mind from going to questions, such as "how long with Mary will live?" "How many Mary's are there?"  I'm petrified of losing "Mary" and at the same time I'm so glad I've been given the chance to add to my family.  This definitely adds to my family regardless of outcome and I'm trying to make the most of each day with "Mary", something I unfortunately didn't do with Ivy.

Once I knew, I had to tell the hubs.  He's been very anxious and asking me all the time and very sad about the thought of Katie being our only living child.  With the help of a good friend, I obtained this shirt and little Miss Kate greeted "dada" in all her glory today.


Outside of a small circle of people, I'm not sharing this info right now, so the shirt will mostly be tucked away and hopefully can come out later.  

So, what's next?

7/26-I have an appt tomorrow with Thyroid specialist.  This is of utmost importance now.
7/29-I'll be 14 dpiui and this is the date of my beta.
8/1-Beta #2, assuming the first one is a strong number and also a consult with my RE.
8/12-I'll be 7 weeks and I'm guessing my viability ultrasound.  It should get scheduled on 8/1 so I'll know for sure then.
Viability is Katie's 3rd birthday 12/16!!  If I can make it here, then "Mary" has a "chance" at life.  Nothing is certain, of course.  My HEDD is 4/7/17.

It's a long, long road from here to bringing home a baby, but without a BFP, my journey would already be over.  I'm very lucky and grateful to be given this chance and I hope "Mary" will join our family in the same manner as her oldest sister. We will always remember and honor ALL of our children and I'm a lucky mom to all of them, including this pregnancy. One day at a time, today I am pregnant. 

Saturday, July 23, 2016

The final 2ww


So here I am, 8 dpiui, after today, it's going to be reality. Feels like a game show, am I going to phase 2 or is it game over?  Today it feels like game over, but even if I continue to play, the fear will be there.  For the first week I was pretty calm, after all, nothing much happens in the first week.  The second week?  That's when I struggle and since about Thurs, 6 dpiui, I've been having depression.

It started when a person I know gave birth to her twins on Thursday.  I am thrilled for her and it was good to see the whole family healthy, happy, and together.  Of course I thought about my own twins, my story, the one that ended differently than that.  It doesn't matter that it's been nearly 14 months, it still hurts.  It will always hurt.  I miss them.  I miss them all so much. 

Friday was better, but still hard.  I ended up going to a Pot Luck Memorial Dinner for an amazing person who passed away in June.  She was a friend and co-worker.  I got to know her more this year than before and even moreso the past couple of months.  She's the one who gave me the Femara I used this cycle. I'd like to think she's with my babies and cheering me on.  What seemed to her to be discarded meds she no longer needed were to me a chance at another life.  Another co-worker brought her month old daughter.  It was my second time seeing this precious baby and while the first time I easily held and looked at her, this time it hurt. I kept seeing all the newborn stuff babies do, the hands, the faces, the sounds, just all of it and my heart broke.  It broke because Katie's grown up so quick.  She's become a little girl, not a baby.  It broke because I have three amazing children I wish I could've seen and held at this stage and I won't get too.  Finally it broke, because this might be "game over."

Today I'm pessimistic, I'm moody.  I'm scared.  I'm so scared.  I don't feel like it worked.  I just don't.  My poor husband.  He keeps asking me if I know yet, wants to know when I'll know.  I'm delaying telling him that I'll most likely know in the next 48 hours.  That with Katie and the twins the test turned darker at 9 dpiui and with Ivy it was 10 dpiui.  Of course I always need a few days of darkening to feel secure in a bfp.  The trigger is faint, but still present, but I'll know how this worked or didn't in 48 hours.  It will devastate him if it doesn't. I can see it in his eyes and it kills me.



This sentiment is the torture of the two week wait.  In reality if I find out I passed phase one and onto phase two, I'll remain here.  If it's over, then it will be agony.  I will get through it because that's what we humans do.  We deal with our circumstances the best we can and move forward.  I have Katie and many walk away without any child to raise. 

I colored this picture.  I started yesterday and finished today.  Hanging onto that hope and agony as I colored each item. I felt like teenager with a flower, BFP, BFN, BFP, BFN.  It's torture. It's purgatory.



Tonight I'll have a relaxing bath and drink what I hope is my last glass of wine for quite a while and cry, hope, and despair. I'll cry for Katie who's growing up too fast for me, for Emma and Chase who I got to carry for 19 precious weeks, deliver their bodies, and hold each one for a few hours, for Ivy, the baby who got the worst of me.  The baby who felt the anguish I carried for his older siblings.  So much anguish it was hard to feel the love I had for him.  And for "Mary" who at this moment is only a dream, but begging for reality.

And we will see.