Friday, January 29, 2016

Beta #2

I got my beta results today and they didn't double like I'd hoped, although they "almost" did.  It was 156-10 points shy of doubling.

I wasn't happy with this number either.  I've had two pregnancies where one beta more than doubled, the other nearly tripled, I expected it to at least double, but no.  There was a 15 min. difference between the blood draws, but who knows....

I'm scared, but I think that's normal and a defense mechanism.  Last time things went perfectly and it ended with me delivering two beautiful, sleeping children.  This time things aren't as perfect and it puts me at ease.  My clinic is happy and I know many people with worse doubling times where it ended fine, I also know some that doubled fine and it still didn't end well, then I know those who doubled and fine, and didn't double and not fine.  Point it, it's just very early and anything can happen.  It's definitely not over, I just wish things were a bit clearer.

I have a consult with my RE on Monday and they've offered a 3rd beta at that time, which I will do.  I hope it comes back okay.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Beta #1

It's been a crazy past few days.  At 12 dpiui I started spotting/light bleeding bright red.  I was scared out of my mind and convinced I was losing the baby.  It went off and on all that day and yesterday.  It stopped in the evening and honestly I've just been in fear.

Yesterday when I tested, my wondfo looked a tad lighter and I tried an OPK, which was negative.  I had one EPT I was saving for today (beta day).  This morning I peed on everything.




The scariest thing about the bleeding was the timing of it all.  Monday was 8 months to the day since I lost Emma.  The week before I lost her, I was at work doing my stuff.  I had to pee and when I went to the bathroom I was bleeding and I freaked out and we know what happened a week later.

So, here I am.  8 months later at that same building having to pee in that same bathroom and blood.  Sheer terror struck me and I couldn't stop crying in my office.

Exactly one year ago today I conceived Emma and Chase.  I remember that IUI.  I remember wearing my Katie necklace and hoping we'd make her a big sister and we did.  Now I've made Emma and Chase older siblings as well.  They are now my middle children.

Without further ado, I bring you beta #1 83.  I'll be honest, I'm scared, nervous, and worried.  My last two pregnancies were much higher than this.  The doubling is what matters, I know that.  I just can't help and be scared.  Everything scares me right now.  Everything.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Medicated Cycle Results

Today I'm 11 dpiui.  Today I am pregnant.  I wasn't sure and I've one back and forth on are the lines getting darker?  Darker enough?  I'm terrified right now.  I keep thinking everything is a sign that I'm not pregnant or I'm having a loss.  I'm also happy and excited to be pregnant, but I feel guilty, so guilty.  I feel ashamed that I want this baby.  I feel bad that I will do better for this baby, things that might've saved Emma and Chase.

The BFP won't show up on a digi yet, but I'll do one before my beta.  This leads  me to my beta.  My beta is Wednesday 1/27. A year ago on that date I had my IUI, that's when I conceived Emma and Chase. There's a lot mixed in there with that.

I told DH today.  Katie is OBSESSED with Barney.  This is one of the songs that comes on a lot. 

I had Katie paint this and I added the words and Katie and I have it to DH today since ti's his birthday.  He's ecstatic.

I'm having so many thoughts and feelings and they all contradict each other.  I'm trying to go one moment at a time.  I'm still in counseling and I'll tell her tomorrow and that should help.

To everyone who's been there, your support, your prayers, everything have meant so much.  I'm still going to need them.  I want to post more, but I'm honestly just everywhere right now.  

Thursday, January 14, 2016


There's been a lot of feelings and emotions associated with this cycle.  I kept pushing them out of the way until I got through my IUI. Now that my IUI is over, I can process a bit.

I feel sadness and loss that no matter what the outcome is, none of it will bring back two children I love with all my heart, think about everyday, and constantly miss. I feel like I'm saying goodbye with this treatment, even though it wasn't my choice to say goodbye.

I feel regret for all I wish I'd done, that with all my heart I wish I could've saved them.  I feel regret that I'll never get to know two beautiful and special people that have changed my life forever.

I feel guilt that I'm moving forward.  That I'm preparing a body to hold a life that isn't them. That I'm trying hard to achieve that and that when I look at Katie I no longer see Emma and Chase beside her, but maybe another child. That it makes me smile to think she might still grow up with another.  I feel guilty that if I do conceive I will do things differently, there will be more professionals involved, more checks, I'll be so extra careful from everything, and that another life will have a better chance that they did.  I feel guilty that I want this to work.  That the thought of being pregnant again makes me happy.

I feel fear that if this works, I could lose another child.  I'm afraid that if this works people will expect this pregnancy to "replace" them or for me to forget about them, or move on.  That somehow this will undo all that did happen or trump two children who are irreplaceable.  I worry people won't care about them as much.  I fear the possibility of having twins again, especially.  I'm not dumb, I had two eggs.  The possibility exists. I'm scared of how to cope with that.  I'm scared this won't work, scared that the last pregnancy is the last one I'll ever have.

I feel hopeful that it's going to work.  I can't ask for better conditions of a medicated cycle.  There is nothing that didn't go well as far as biology is concerned.  Whether or not this works, is 100% out of my hands, but the conditions are what you want for success. I feel excited at the chance I might have another child.  I feel hopeful that I won't have another loss because I do have a good team and I will be carefully watched.  I'm happy that Katie might still have the chance to grow up with a sibling.

I feel like it's going to be okay.  I don't know how or when or what the future will hold.  I don't know how it's going to be okay, but I didn't know how I was going to make it today, 7.5 months ago when I lost them, but I did.  I know I will grieve and miss them forever.  I also know there is still a lot of life to live and even happiness, although I feel guilty for it a lot of times.

Physically, yesterday the cramping was bad and I even had some bleeding after the IUI. Cramping mostly on the right.  Today it's duller and I ordered progesterone.  I feel more calm today than I did yesterday, although I'm sure that will change the closer I get to knowing if this worked or not.

Last night, my neighbors and good friends of ours, treated us for pizza and then we went to a place called Boucin' Bears to jump.  It was later and we had the place to ourselves, so we took the opportunity to jump with our kids (their DD is 4 mos older than Katie and they are also TTC) and just be kinda wild.  It was a lot of fun and it helped me relax and I def slept good, finally, for the first time in a few days.  They know everything and have been wonderful since day one. They were like lets celebrate insemination day, lol! That moment when you know you're close to people.

I feel lucky that so many care about me, my family, and my kids.  That the names Emma and Chase go beyond my family.  That I get messages of things that make people think of them, that they are never truly gone.  They live in my heart and the hearts of many. I do believe Emma and Chase are with me, just not in the way I'd hoped.  I know as time goes on I'll make more peace with that.

I had a lot of signs throughout this cycle from Emma and Chase.  Signs I've been praying and begging for.  My dream, certain songs on the radio during certain moments, messages from people about dreaming about them or seeing them, certain things in nature, like the morning the sky was all pink and blue.  Things happened on certain days of the treatment or certain moments that just felt more than coincidental.

My dad passed away two years ago, and I've had a complicated relationship with him.  To make it short, I never felt very loved by him.  I heard a very old country song, The Gambler, by Kenny Rogers while going to both my follie checks.  While those songs in itself had interesting timing, this is a song I used to sing a lot with my dad as a kid. Anyways, during my last follie check as the song was playing, a truck pulled in front of me with a trailer.  In that trailer was a very specific electric wheelchair, the exact kind he had.  Just little things like that all throughout the cycle so far.

I'm proud of myself that I'm able to express all this and I cried while typing all this out.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016


Trigger night was tough.  I didn't sleep much prior to it due to anxiety and after I couldn't really either.  Made for a very exhausting yesterday.  Today I've been a jumble of nerves.  I've been trying to push my emotions away, but it's been tough.  I'm sure I'll be dealing with the emotional stuff now that "my" part is done.  I start progesterone tomorrow

So, here we are the IUI.  Here's the stats:
Post Wash: 13 mil.  I'm unsure what it was prior to that, but that number doesn't really matter right now.
Motility: 75%

My last two BFP cycles had a post-wash total of 11 mil each time, so this is our highest count.  As far as a cycle can go, it looks good as far as follicles, estrogen, lining, and sperm.

It's out of my hands now and whatever happens, happens, or doesn't.  I ordered Wondfos and I'll start testing out the trigger over the weekend sometime.

I'm very emotional and exhausted.  My nurse is amazing.  Made me take some deep breaths before the IUI.  I had my family figurine of the 5 of us and the bear I got at the hospital when Emma and Chase were born.  The nurse also told me to meditate every single day during these next two weeks and take good care of myself.  She was just very sweet and calming.

So.... we shall see.  I'm sure once I sort out my emotions I'll do a post on that.  Just one step at a time.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Follie Check #2 CD 10

Okay, reviewing the protocol:
CD 3-7 Femara 5 mg
CD 6-10, Gonal F 150, Menopur 75

Lining: 11.25
Right Follicle: Two follicles.  One measuring 22 and the other 25.
Left Follicle: One measuring only 9, hurts for some whatever reason

E2 is 221

It is what it is.  Not sure how I feel about it and no way to read into it. I think it's similar from last Jan.  To compare, E2 on the cycle I conceived Katie was 256 on CD 10, and my E2 with Emma and Chase was 230.

We wanted the same nurse who did our cycle when we conceived our first three children.  Her only opening is 1:20 pm.  I trigger tonight at 1:20 am and my IUI will be Wed. the 13th at 1:20 pm.

I have so many thoughts and emotions it's crazy.  I'l prolly do a post on all that later.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Follie check #1- cd 8

I finished freaking out and crying and thinking the cycle was doomed, so I can calm down and post.

The protocol so far:
CD 3-7 5mg of Femara
CD 6-7 Gonal F 150, Menopur 75

The results:
Today's scan shows a lining of 11.
Right ovary: 2 follicles measuring at 16 mm
Left ovary: nada

E2 is 89

This is actually going okay.  I freaked out when I saw the E2 because I thought it was way too low for having two follicles at the 16 range.  However, I compared it with last January, when I conceived Emma and Chase and my E2 at this time was 94, not a huge difference.  By CD 10 it was 230 and I triggered the next day. With Katie, my E2 was 97 on CD 8. By CD 10 it rose to 256 and I triggered that day.

So, I'm hoping my E2 makes a significant jump between now and Monday and we'll see from there.  Here's hoping.....

CD 8-9 Gonal F 150, Menopur 75
Ultrasound and bloodwork on Monday CD 10.  I will probably trigger then if all looks good and IUI should be CD 12.

Please let this work!

Thursday, January 7, 2016

The Guilt

I'm sure this is a combo of the emotional toll fertility treatments take, the hormones of the meds themselves, plus going through a loss like I've been through.

I had a bit of guilt going into this cycle, but mostly I was okay.  The deeper I delve into the cycle the more the guilt is consuming me. What I want I can't have.  They are gone.  I keep them in my life through memory, through speaking about them to those who will allow me, by speaking to them, and doing things in their name.  By keeping them in my heart at all times.  But they are gone from my life.  I will not hold them, kiss them, snuggle them, get frustrated with them, etc.  I won't get to experience them beyond what I had and what I can do from the opposite side of life that they are.  That is simply a reality.  If I could wish them to life, they'd be here.

Moving forward isn't easy.  I have to hope somehow it's all going to be okay one way or another.  I have no control over the outcome.  I can do what I can do and go from there.  I just feel very much like I'm betraying them and I'm having a hard time with it.

At the core, these are the two things tugging my guilt:

1. I am only TTC because they they died.  Had Emma and Chase lived, I'd be done.  I know in my heart I'm not and never could replace them, but the reason I am trying to add to my family is because they died.  In that sense I am replacing their presence in my life and in Katie's or rather, attempting to, since I am not currently pregnant.  I don't get "oops" pregnancies.  I am making a deliberate choice to do this and it's tearing at me.

2. I know some of the things I'll do different this time, if the cycle is successful and I do become pregnant. From working with an MFM to probably getting progesterone shots, being extra careful of infection, calling for any and every reason that something seems off.  If I conceive another life will get "better treatment" than Emma and Chase and have a better chance at life because of that.  Makes me feel guilty about doing "better" for my next child when I didn't do it for them.  I get I didn't know, but that's part of the guilt.

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself.  I'm just in a cycle right now.  Nothing has yet happened.  I have 3 days of Femara already, 2 days to go, and I start adding Gonal F and Menopur tonight.  We'll see how things look Saturday at my first check.  I just have a lot of this on my mind right now and it's hard to get away from it.

Monday, January 4, 2016


I had my baseline ultrasound today.  I can't say I'm exactly happy, but my instructions are to proceed so I am.

The right ovary-the only ovary to ever give me follicles that had eggs had 2-3.  In the past it's been 3-4 so that was okay.

The left ovary-the ovary that gives me big, giant empty balls of nothing is also usually 3-4.  This time it was 5-6.  Not only that, but I have a lead follicle at 10mm on that side. I'm pretty nervous to be honest. My nurse said they only worry if it's 15mm, but I just hope it doesn't mess up my cycle.  My left has been known to get big, I'm talking up to like 28-29 mm, but my estrogen never rises until my right grows.

Anyways, I'm considered CD 3 today and I started Femara tonight.  My protocol:

Femara CD 3-7
Gonal F 150 iu CD 6-7
Monopur 75 iu CD 6-7

My next ultrasound will be Saturday, CD 8 at 10:00 am.  We'll see what's going on then and I'll get further instructions after my bloodwork comes in.

I was feeling hopeful and optimistic.  Now I'm just scared.  I didn't realize how badly I wanted this to work until tonight.  I really and truly want this to work out for me with all my heart and I just hope it does.  All I can do is hope and pray and just see what happens.  It's out of my hands and I have to try and remember that.  I'm trying to remain emotionally distant from this process, but it's so hard.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

A dream

I just woke up and I'm smiling so big!!!! I've been desperate of a sign from them. Something that lets me know they're okay and they don't hate me.

I got a message from a friend last night about a RAK for my twins. She'd planned something specific to do on the EDD, but couldn't do it. She ended up being able to do it now, and wanted to tell me even though it was late she hadn't forgotten them and never will. Her message meant so much to me. I felt that alone was about of a sign.

It came at a good time as I'm having some guilt about this upcoming cycle and I went to bed with peace between the RAK and my toes (it's the little things).

Just woke up from a dream! Yes, a dream!!!!!! I finally had a dream about them. It was beautiful and perfect. It was just me and them and I got to hold them. They were a few months old and all I remember thinking about was wow if I had all 3 my hands would be so full with them and Katie! My dream was mostly snuggles with my babies. Feeling nothing but peace and love.

Now I want to cry because it was just so amazing and wonderful and I'm so grateful they did that. I feel like it's going to be okay. Maybe this is luck for my cycle? Maybe it's permission?

All I know is I got to be with my angels and it was beautiful and wonderful. There was no hate, anger, or anything negative of any kind. They were healthy and happy. It's all I've ever wanted when I think of them. Thank you Emma and Chase! Thank you so much. I love you yesterday, today, tomorrow, and with each breath.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

For good luck

I associate my children with colors.  Kate is purple, Emma is pink, and Chase is blue.  Neither child and color match were planned it just sort of happened.  For Kate's nursery I was drawn to purple with some yellow.  I'm a huge fan of Hello Kitty, but not of the color pink.  I ended up finding a lavender set and even my shower was purple.  The day Katie was born David presented me with a necklace.  He asked the jeweler if December had an alternate color because he didn't want Katie and I to have the same stone, he wanted us individual.  Apparently there is an alternate stone to blue topaz, it's purple tanzanite.  My necklace had David, mine, and Katie's birth stones.  The necklace also has room for more stones and I've asked that he add the twins to them as well.  I don't know when that will happen.

When I lost the twins many of the gifts, trinkets, and cards  got were all pink and blue for Emma and Chase.  Over time pink and blue became the colors for them.

I started my period today.  It was this afternoon instead of morning so I'm unsure if my clinic will consider today cd 1 or tomorrow.  So, I'm not really sure.  I did know I wanted something for good luck on me this cycle and what better luck than my 3 beautiful children?

I'm trying to be optimistic among my fear and realism.  I'm trying to believe good things can happen in 2016.  We will see......  I'll update after my baseline Monday.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Finally, 2016!

The year I never thought would end, finally did.  In reality, today is just the day after yesterday.  It's not that significant, however, to me it is.  2015 is going to be a year etched in my brain forever.  From happiness, joy, and bliss, to pain, sorrow, and grief

I got to spend NYE exactly the way I wanted to.  I was home with my whole family.  I lit my candles for my twins and let them burn all night.  I had some wine and colored while DH worked on a clay project.  We had a movie in the background.  It was low key and as the hours and moments to midnight crept on, I reflected upon all the moments, the good and bad that made up 2015.  I thought about my babies and that it was the year of Emma and Chase.  Two beautiful, perfect babies who will never, ever leave my heart. I missed them and I was with them.  I thought about what the future could hold.  I have personal plans, as far as career go and hopefully being able to make a change in it.  I also thought about the possibility of this being the year to add another child to my family.

With that said, I have a baseline ultrasound with my REs office on Monday.  AF should come sometime this weekend, hopefully.  My LP is not the same each time and ranges a few days, but I think/hope it will start tomorrow or Sunday.

I am terrified and I mean scared out of my mind to do a medicated cycle.  We'll do the Letrozole/injection/IUI cycle.  I'm scared of it working, scared of it not working, but ready to face it.

December was such a hard month with each day leading up to Christmas being harder and harder.  The week between Christmas and New Year's I felt lost and confused.  I started not knowing what reality was anymore and thinking people hated me, wanting to hide away and run, wanting to delete all evidence of my existence from various online forums.  I felt I was slinking back down.

Last night was calm though and today I feel hope and optimism among the fear.  I will continue healing from the loss of two very much wanted and loved children and at the same time try to add to my family.  I have other goals to focus on as well so that TTC and maybe pregnancy doesn't consume me.  I have tools to cope, the coloring, the breathing, etc.  I have a few friends I know I can talk to.

Happy New Year to everyone reading this.  I hope 2016 is a great year for you!  Thanks for your support and for caring, even if I don't know you're here.