Thursday, January 14, 2016

Feelings/Emotions

There's been a lot of feelings and emotions associated with this cycle.  I kept pushing them out of the way until I got through my IUI. Now that my IUI is over, I can process a bit.

I feel sadness and loss that no matter what the outcome is, none of it will bring back two children I love with all my heart, think about everyday, and constantly miss. I feel like I'm saying goodbye with this treatment, even though it wasn't my choice to say goodbye.

I feel regret for all I wish I'd done, that with all my heart I wish I could've saved them.  I feel regret that I'll never get to know two beautiful and special people that have changed my life forever.

I feel guilt that I'm moving forward.  That I'm preparing a body to hold a life that isn't them. That I'm trying hard to achieve that and that when I look at Katie I no longer see Emma and Chase beside her, but maybe another child. That it makes me smile to think she might still grow up with another.  I feel guilty that if I do conceive I will do things differently, there will be more professionals involved, more checks, I'll be so extra careful from everything, and that another life will have a better chance that they did.  I feel guilty that I want this to work.  That the thought of being pregnant again makes me happy.

I feel fear that if this works, I could lose another child.  I'm afraid that if this works people will expect this pregnancy to "replace" them or for me to forget about them, or move on.  That somehow this will undo all that did happen or trump two children who are irreplaceable.  I worry people won't care about them as much.  I fear the possibility of having twins again, especially.  I'm not dumb, I had two eggs.  The possibility exists. I'm scared of how to cope with that.  I'm scared this won't work, scared that the last pregnancy is the last one I'll ever have.

I feel hopeful that it's going to work.  I can't ask for better conditions of a medicated cycle.  There is nothing that didn't go well as far as biology is concerned.  Whether or not this works, is 100% out of my hands, but the conditions are what you want for success. I feel excited at the chance I might have another child.  I feel hopeful that I won't have another loss because I do have a good team and I will be carefully watched.  I'm happy that Katie might still have the chance to grow up with a sibling.

I feel like it's going to be okay.  I don't know how or when or what the future will hold.  I don't know how it's going to be okay, but I didn't know how I was going to make it today, 7.5 months ago when I lost them, but I did.  I know I will grieve and miss them forever.  I also know there is still a lot of life to live and even happiness, although I feel guilty for it a lot of times.

Physically, yesterday the cramping was bad and I even had some bleeding after the IUI. Cramping mostly on the right.  Today it's duller and I ordered progesterone.  I feel more calm today than I did yesterday, although I'm sure that will change the closer I get to knowing if this worked or not.

Last night, my neighbors and good friends of ours, treated us for pizza and then we went to a place called Boucin' Bears to jump.  It was later and we had the place to ourselves, so we took the opportunity to jump with our kids (their DD is 4 mos older than Katie and they are also TTC) and just be kinda wild.  It was a lot of fun and it helped me relax and I def slept good, finally, for the first time in a few days.  They know everything and have been wonderful since day one. They were like lets celebrate insemination day, lol! That moment when you know you're close to people.

I feel lucky that so many care about me, my family, and my kids.  That the names Emma and Chase go beyond my family.  That I get messages of things that make people think of them, that they are never truly gone.  They live in my heart and the hearts of many. I do believe Emma and Chase are with me, just not in the way I'd hoped.  I know as time goes on I'll make more peace with that.

I had a lot of signs throughout this cycle from Emma and Chase.  Signs I've been praying and begging for.  My dream, certain songs on the radio during certain moments, messages from people about dreaming about them or seeing them, certain things in nature, like the morning the sky was all pink and blue.  Things happened on certain days of the treatment or certain moments that just felt more than coincidental.

My dad passed away two years ago, and I've had a complicated relationship with him.  To make it short, I never felt very loved by him.  I heard a very old country song, The Gambler, by Kenny Rogers while going to both my follie checks.  While those songs in itself had interesting timing, this is a song I used to sing a lot with my dad as a kid. Anyways, during my last follie check as the song was playing, a truck pulled in front of me with a trailer.  In that trailer was a very specific electric wheelchair, the exact kind he had.  Just little things like that all throughout the cycle so far.

I'm proud of myself that I'm able to express all this and I cried while typing all this out.

1 comment:

  1. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing...

    ReplyDelete