The year I never thought would end, finally did. In reality, today is just the day after yesterday. It's not that significant, however, to me it is. 2015 is going to be a year etched in my brain forever. From happiness, joy, and bliss, to pain, sorrow, and grief
I got to spend NYE exactly the way I wanted to. I was home with my whole family. I lit my candles for my twins and let them burn all night. I had some wine and colored while DH worked on a clay project. We had a movie in the background. It was low key and as the hours and moments to midnight crept on, I reflected upon all the moments, the good and bad that made up 2015. I thought about my babies and that it was the year of Emma and Chase. Two beautiful, perfect babies who will never, ever leave my heart. I missed them and I was with them. I thought about what the future could hold. I have personal plans, as far as career go and hopefully being able to make a change in it. I also thought about the possibility of this being the year to add another child to my family.
With that said, I have a baseline ultrasound with my REs office on Monday. AF should come sometime this weekend, hopefully. My LP is not the same each time and ranges a few days, but I think/hope it will start tomorrow or Sunday.
I am terrified and I mean scared out of my mind to do a medicated cycle. We'll do the Letrozole/injection/IUI cycle. I'm scared of it working, scared of it not working, but ready to face it.
December was such a hard month with each day leading up to Christmas being harder and harder. The week between Christmas and New Year's I felt lost and confused. I started not knowing what reality was anymore and thinking people hated me, wanting to hide away and run, wanting to delete all evidence of my existence from various online forums. I felt I was slinking back down.
Last night was calm though and today I feel hope and optimism among the fear. I will continue healing from the loss of two very much wanted and loved children and at the same time try to add to my family. I have other goals to focus on as well so that TTC and maybe pregnancy doesn't consume me. I have tools to cope, the coloring, the breathing, etc. I have a few friends I know I can talk to.
Happy New Year to everyone reading this. I hope 2016 is a great year for you! Thanks for your support and for caring, even if I don't know you're here.