Friday, January 1, 2016

Finally, 2016!

The year I never thought would end, finally did.  In reality, today is just the day after yesterday.  It's not that significant, however, to me it is.  2015 is going to be a year etched in my brain forever.  From happiness, joy, and bliss, to pain, sorrow, and grief

I got to spend NYE exactly the way I wanted to.  I was home with my whole family.  I lit my candles for my twins and let them burn all night.  I had some wine and colored while DH worked on a clay project.  We had a movie in the background.  It was low key and as the hours and moments to midnight crept on, I reflected upon all the moments, the good and bad that made up 2015.  I thought about my babies and that it was the year of Emma and Chase.  Two beautiful, perfect babies who will never, ever leave my heart. I missed them and I was with them.  I thought about what the future could hold.  I have personal plans, as far as career go and hopefully being able to make a change in it.  I also thought about the possibility of this being the year to add another child to my family.

With that said, I have a baseline ultrasound with my REs office on Monday.  AF should come sometime this weekend, hopefully.  My LP is not the same each time and ranges a few days, but I think/hope it will start tomorrow or Sunday.

I am terrified and I mean scared out of my mind to do a medicated cycle.  We'll do the Letrozole/injection/IUI cycle.  I'm scared of it working, scared of it not working, but ready to face it.

December was such a hard month with each day leading up to Christmas being harder and harder.  The week between Christmas and New Year's I felt lost and confused.  I started not knowing what reality was anymore and thinking people hated me, wanting to hide away and run, wanting to delete all evidence of my existence from various online forums.  I felt I was slinking back down.

Last night was calm though and today I feel hope and optimism among the fear.  I will continue healing from the loss of two very much wanted and loved children and at the same time try to add to my family.  I have other goals to focus on as well so that TTC and maybe pregnancy doesn't consume me.  I have tools to cope, the coloring, the breathing, etc.  I have a few friends I know I can talk to.

Happy New Year to everyone reading this.  I hope 2016 is a great year for you!  Thanks for your support and for caring, even if I don't know you're here.


  1. I am here following along and sending you healing thoughts every day.

  2. I'm so happy you made it through. So much beauty and hope in a new year. rooting for you!!

  3. Have been following since I found you on the October birth board. Happy New Year and wishing you everything good and wonderful and amazing for this year and the years to come.