Thursday, January 7, 2016

The Guilt

I'm sure this is a combo of the emotional toll fertility treatments take, the hormones of the meds themselves, plus going through a loss like I've been through.

I had a bit of guilt going into this cycle, but mostly I was okay.  The deeper I delve into the cycle the more the guilt is consuming me. What I want I can't have.  They are gone.  I keep them in my life through memory, through speaking about them to those who will allow me, by speaking to them, and doing things in their name.  By keeping them in my heart at all times.  But they are gone from my life.  I will not hold them, kiss them, snuggle them, get frustrated with them, etc.  I won't get to experience them beyond what I had and what I can do from the opposite side of life that they are.  That is simply a reality.  If I could wish them to life, they'd be here.

Moving forward isn't easy.  I have to hope somehow it's all going to be okay one way or another.  I have no control over the outcome.  I can do what I can do and go from there.  I just feel very much like I'm betraying them and I'm having a hard time with it.

At the core, these are the two things tugging my guilt:

1. I am only TTC because they they died.  Had Emma and Chase lived, I'd be done.  I know in my heart I'm not and never could replace them, but the reason I am trying to add to my family is because they died.  In that sense I am replacing their presence in my life and in Katie's or rather, attempting to, since I am not currently pregnant.  I don't get "oops" pregnancies.  I am making a deliberate choice to do this and it's tearing at me.

2. I know some of the things I'll do different this time, if the cycle is successful and I do become pregnant. From working with an MFM to probably getting progesterone shots, being extra careful of infection, calling for any and every reason that something seems off.  If I conceive another life will get "better treatment" than Emma and Chase and have a better chance at life because of that.  Makes me feel guilty about doing "better" for my next child when I didn't do it for them.  I get I didn't know, but that's part of the guilt.

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself.  I'm just in a cycle right now.  Nothing has yet happened.  I have 3 days of Femara already, 2 days to go, and I start adding Gonal F and Menopur tonight.  We'll see how things look Saturday at my first check.  I just have a lot of this on my mind right now and it's hard to get away from it.


  1. Wishing you luck and peace. I know it's hard to move forward when it feels like moving on.