Friday, February 26, 2016

Cytotec Fail

This past week has been incredibly emotional and just hard.  Physically and emotionally.

I ended up talking to my boss about the situation.  Turns out he and his wife also have infertility and they only have one child.  He was wonderful and sympathetic and said to do what I need to do.

I had some drama getting the cytotec.  Apparently the pharmacy didn't know the dosage, they had to call my doctor, I had to call everyone and bug the crap out of them, but finally I got the damn pills. My plan was to take them Tuesday after work and then from what I read and heard from others, things were to kick in around 4-6 hours.  5.5 hours after I inserted them I had some bleeding.  I had two small clots, nothing exciting.  The cytotec pills came out whole, not at all dissolved.  That was pretty much the extent of everything.  The pain was less than AF, the blood barely anything.  I hardly slept since I was waiting for things to kick in and just very, very emotional.

I thought a lot about how I failed Ivy.  I love her so much and I know that it was that love that kept me from trying to get too close.  I thought if I lost her, it wouldn't hurt.  I was wrong.  Oh, how I feel I wronged this sweet child.  I didn't allow her into my heart until it was too late.  I cried about the twins that were gone, instead of bracing the child I could've had, but now I won't have her either.  I miss her and I'm sorry I failed her. She was an innocent.  A precious and wonderful baby who is gone and she didn't get my all and now it's too late.  I can't ever fix it.  I hope she knows how truly sorry I really am, how much I wish I could change it, fix it, tell her what she means to me.

I went in today for my followup to see how things looked.  Things looked exactly the same.  For the third time I saw my lifeless baby in my uterus.  She hasn't grown since that first ultrasound and there is no heartbeat.  I even let myself pray for a second that she'd magically be okay.  Of course I knew better, of course, but my heart still sank when I saw her.

Some good friends of mine sent me an Ivy plant.  When I thought the cytotec might work, I'd planned to find her and bury her in the plant.  At least giving her some kind of burial. I'll ask my RE if I can take her home, but I doubt I'll be allowed to.  My heart breaks that two of my kids were cremated, but she might be simply disposed.  I want her.

My D&C is scheduled on Tuesday, March 1st in the afternoon.  New month, clear uterus. My prayer is that I stop wanting another living child.  That I somehow learn to let go.  I don't know the reality is possible and I don't know that I can take the pain of another loss or a failed treatment.  I have time to think about this since I don't even have the money and I think there's a wait time after the D&C anyways.  If I do, it's going to be the "Hail Mary" and the very last attempt.  For now, I just hope the desire and longing leaves my heart.  I'm just full of pain right now.  So much pain and helplessness.

It hurts to look at Katie sometimes.  I love her so much. I love being a mom.  I want my children.  I wanted the joy of raising another, of having Katie grow up with a partner.  The sibling fights, the playing, just everything that comes with it.  Even the not so wonderful experiences are wonderful to me because without Katie I wouldn't have them.  Now I probably won't get to experience what comes with a raising a sibling.

Today is 9 months since Chase was born and yesterday Emma.  9 months, 3 losses.


Monday, February 22, 2016

The Fat Lady Has Sung

I called my REs office this morning and my RE was able to see me today.  Unfortunately, things haven't changed.  Ivy hasn't grown at all and definitely didn't have a heartbeat.  My RE and I talked and I decided to go with cytotec.  He wants to do an ultrasound after to make sure my uterus is clear.  I don't have the emotional strength to drop the script off or pick it up, since I've heard the stories of abortion comments from pharmacy staff.  No matter my opinion on abortion, this is a missed miscarriage, not an abortion.  I'd love to be refilling progesterone, not cytotec, but this is what it is and I can't change it.

After the physical part is done, I guess I'll make the world happy and go on my stupid little happy pills, because apparently it's not okay to grieve and it's not okay to be sad when bad shit happens to you.  No, being sad means you must need a pill, right?  Seems to be all I hear from people anyways.  Struggling, take a fucking pill.  Well, fine, I'll take all the fucking pills and everyone can be happy to see that I am "okay".

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Feeling like I'm in a nightmare

I've been having a VERY hard time.  I'm extremely baffled, stressed, and depressed. I want Ivy more than anything.  I realize my feelings from before were from fear, fear of having to say goodbye.  Well, that fear doesn't make it any easier, not at all. I love Ivy with all my heart, as much as my other three children.

Physically-Nothing seems to be happening at all. I've had some minor cramping, a little bit of spotting, none of it bright red. I was asked if I was spotting or bleeding at my ultrasound, because she could see some blood. I wasn't at the time and even now, I'm talking not much at all. Nothing like at the beginning of the pregnancy. I still feel nauseous. I actually took a med this morning because it hit me bad during the night. I can't see them telling me this isn't viable and Ivy is okay, but this isn't making much sense either. No one is perfect and there is a very small part of me, and maybe its just desperation, but is it possible they were wrong? That Ivy is just a bit behind schedule, but okay? It's still so early and the twins were slightly off at first too. I had smaller betas than before, that weird bleeding at the beginning, I just wonder if maybe everything is fine, Ivy is just a bit behind than my others were. I might give a call tomorrow and see if my RE himself will do the ultrasound, rather than the nurse practitioner. I just don't know anymore. I also feel like I'm probably being stupid and trying to cling to any false hope. I just don't know.

At the same time, I KNOW babies don't measure almost a week behind and turn out okay. That isn't possible, right?  When the twins measured off at the 6 week appt though, I was told it was most likely okay, it was early.  They didn't say that this time.  I didn't ask the amount of questions I normally would because I was in shock.  I just don't know.  I want this to be over, preferably with my REs office having made the mistake.  I want to keep Ivy.  I want Ivy to come home with me.  But either way, this second guessing it making a hard situation even harder.  I don't know anymore and at the same time I feel like a stupid idiot who wants this baby so bad, she's ignoring logic and truth.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Another Angel...

Maybe deep down, I knew this would happen.  Maybe I was just scared this would happen.  I don't know.  Today I am 7 weeks and had my first ultrasound.  I expected to see a baby with a heartbeat.  It took them a long time to even see a baby and this baby either doesn't have a heartbeat or barely has one.  Either way it wasn't detected.  The yolk sac was enlarged too.  I was told these are classic signs of a chromosomal abnormality-one that isn't compatible with life.

I was given the option of coming back in a week, if I insist, but basically there isn't going to be a baby. I can just extend all this another week by continuing to take progesterone or I can stop and let nature and my body, hopefully do its thing.  

My husband and I talked in the car and we're leaning towards stopping the progesterone and letting my body take care of things, or seeing if my body does.  They want me to call back in a week if I do stop and nothing happens. I'll see if he still feels this way tonight, but I've never seen my REs office give up hope, even when I did.  This time they told me they're sorry, but this pregnancy is non-viable.

Here's the only picture I'll have of baby "Ivy".  I hope Emma and Chase will be with this baby or already are.  

I'm editing this post since I thought of some things I wanted to add.  I'm not deleting anything that was previously here.

I was a bad mom to this poor, sweet baby.  I deserve this loss.  I was very upset about "replacing" Emma and Chase and knowing this baby was only here because they died.  This was "MY" problem, not Ivy's.  Ivy was nothing but amazing and I'm sorry I'll never get to meet or know him/her.  I know in time I would've been excited, heck, even today I felt hope as I went to the REs office and eagerly awaited to see the h/b.  Too little, too late.

I had a dream last night.  I woke up in the motn with anxiety and nauseousness.  After I fell back asleep I dreamed I was at my REs office and they messed up and didn't have me on the schedule. I begged and pleaded to see the baby, but they said there was nothing they could do.  I started crying and screaming, "Ivy please don't leave me", just over and over again.  Today, this. DH had a dream shortly after my BFP that he was holding a baby girl with something significantly wrong with her.

At the moment I'm very numb and sad and feel very, very guilty.  I had some minor cramping yesterday and I've been feeling them all afternoon.  My body is very good at expelling children, not so much at keeping them safe.



Sunday, February 14, 2016

weekend before the ultrasound

It's the weekend before my ultrasound.  I'm going to sound like a terrible person and horrible mom, but I'm not ready.  I don't think I can do this ultrasound.  I honestly don't know how I'm going to look at the screen and see a different baby.  I know I sound awful.

I'm struggling so much and I sometimes wonder if I've made a mistake, or maybe it's just grief and fear.  I don't know.  I want to cry and this past week have cried so much.  I feel like I'm reliving the twins pregnancy right now.  Unable to separate the two worlds. Except I know how the story ends.  I'm just remembering all the little details, how I felt, especially as pregnancy symptoms are kicking back in.  I haven't been feeling great, but I remember how much worse I felt with them, especially as the pregnancy progressed.  All the pressure and pain and how even simple tasks were hard.  When I think of ultrasound I remember the last time I saw them.  Seeing Emma on the screen.  Alive, strong heart, perfect.  Then being told there was nothing anyone could do.  She was going to die.  Knowing I just saw her alive for the last time.  Lying in a room waiting for now living baby to be born dead.  My little girl, who I didn't even know was my daughter until I had to say goodbye.  I see it all over again.  Holding Emma in my arms, looking at the ultrasound and seeing Chase, the Chase I waited for ever since I can remember.  Looking and see him healthy and strong.  Praying with everything in me that he please, please stay and make it.  Being told he probably wouldn't.  I lost him the day after Emma. I keep replaying these over and over in my head.  I don't know how I can face another ultrasound machine and see Ivy.  I just don't.

Tears are streaming down my face now.  I don't know how to do this pregnancy.  I'm such a shitty mom to Ivy, I really am.  How can I let down my baby already?  This innocent baby that I went out of my way to bring to life?  How dare I?  I'm awful.  I feel like a shit mom to Emma and Chase because of what I've done too.  I just feel horrible all around.  This baby doesn't get the joy the other three did.  Instead this baby, this innocent child, has to deal with my sorrow.  I'm trying hard for Ivy.  I ordered a  book that should be here in a few days that might help.  I got to counseling, although I'm unsure if it's effective anymore and I'm thinking of stopping. I don't know.

I want life to somehow be okay and I just don't know if it's going to be.  I really don't.  Ivy, I'm sorry.  I do love you, I'm just in so much pain, I'm so sorry.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

And so the anniversaries begin......

The anniversaries begin, not the birthdays, not the celebrations, but the it's been a year since, leading up to the big day, which is the day I said goodbye.

I know no one cares and I know it's just me who will carry this forever in my heart, but on this day a year ago I got my BFP with Emma and Chase.  I found out I was going to be a mom again and Katie a big sister.  I did suspect twins from the start, so finding that out later didn't surprise me.

It's been a hard day at work, but a rough day emotionally.  Morning sickness is hitting me now and the pregnancy I've been trying to pretend doesn't exist for at least another two weeks when I have to go to my ultrasound is harder to avoid.  I honestly just feel so lost and so scared and so alone.  This is such a hard, hard journey.  I miss them with everything in me.  I miss them so much.  I am glad I'm pregnant, I am glad I have this baby, but the longing and the yearning and the missing them will never stop.  I hope this baby joins Katie and not them, but I have to resign myself to what is because I have no control over it. Whatever happens, happens.  I feel so guilty for how I'm feeling, but I'm not going to lie to myself.  I'm so scared and I'm so sorry for all that's happened.  I want to be the best mom to all my kids, I'm just not doing a great job right now.

To Emma and Chase, your story began a year ago today for me.  Your story ended to many in late May, but your story will never end for me.  I miss you both so much.  I love you.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Struggling

I'm having a harder time than I realized with this pregnancy.  Almost to the point where I'm about to have a panic attack.  I'm also debating switching counselors.  I wanted to talk more about my emotional issues regarding pregnancy and she wants to focus more on the anxiety I have with certain things.  I feel alone and without my resources and I'm scared to be too open for fear of judgement.

I know I want Kate to have a living sibling and I know I want to be pregnant again.  I have a lot of support and people who are happy, excited, and hopeful for me.

However, especially since yesterday, I find myself struggling more to be happy about being pregnant.  All I can think about are Emma and Chase.  I spent hours last night (insomnia) looking at pictures of them, before and after they were born and just panicking at the thought of having to look at an u/s screen and see a diff baby.  I honestly don't know that I can do it.  I want to cancel the u/s and not really face the fact that I am pregnant.  I try to avoid talking about Ivy with people I know who know (I've kept this news to a very small circle) because all I hear is unicorns and glitter and how happy everyone is for me.

I miss Emma and Chase.  I miss the children that are here.  It's been almost a year since they entered a part of my life and they were here for such a short time.  19 weeks is substantial in pregnancy weeks, but that's it.  Otherwise it's just nothing.  I'm so sad and I miss them so much.  I keep hoping I'll wake up from the nightmare, that somehow they'll be with me again and not gone from me.  But this is the reality of what is.  I have to move forward and I have a chance to maybe parent this baby, the way I do Katie, and not the way I do them.  I just don't know how, I don't know that I can do it.  Even right now as I'm typing this I'm just crying.

I feel I failed Emma and Chase.  I moved on and conceived another.  I'm failing Ivy, by grieving more for what's gone, then looking and being happy for the possibility of what might be.  I'm failing Katie too because I'm wrapped up in all of this and here's a real life child that I do have.  I feel I'm failing everyone.

People around me are happy for me, my husband is ecstatic, but I just sit here and cry.  I don't know how to do this, I don't know how to make anything okay.  Maybe I wasn't ready, but I know I wanted Katie to have a living sibling and with DOR and turning 35 and her 3 in December, I just felt I was running out of time.  There's no guarantee this will work either.  People and their "good feelings", no one told me a year ago they had a bad feeling about Emma and Chase. You don't think that when people say they are pregnant.

Anyways, I know I'm rambling, this is just all in me without any outlet or anyone I can talk to, although I've found a great new FB group that has been more than amazing.  I feel bad to dump all this on them and I just joined.

Sorry for the rambles, just needed to express all that is going on within me.  The truth is, I'm scared of Ivy.  I'm sorry.

Monday, February 1, 2016

3rd beta

Today I had my 3rd beta and RE consult.  My prior betas were 83 and then 156, which was a doubling time of 52.73 hours.  Since my last two pregnancies had a much shorter doubling time, I was really scared and worried something was wrong.

Today my beta was 761, my doubling time was 32.8, a lot better and it puts my mind at ease.  This is my last beta and next will be the ultrasound on 2/17.  I'll be 7 weeks.  My RE is very happy with everything.  He wants me on a baby aspirin just in case and wanted to make sure I'd be seeing an MFM as soon as I was done with his clinic.  He typically keeps patients until 10-11 weeks and I'm only 4w5d right now.  I'll contact my MFM and OB tomorrow to see when they'd want to start seeing me.  He also agreed that I should be on progesterone the whole pregnancy.  A cerclage will be "as needed", since right now there's no indication I have IC and a cerclage won't help PPROM or PTL.

I don't think I've mentioned this in prior blogs, but we've chosen to nickname this baby "Ivy", This stands for for roman numeral IV, this is my 4th child.

I've been very up and down the past few days, especially today as the calendar turned to February.  I found out I was pregnant with Emma and Chase on 2/4.  I can't help but relive last year.  What I didn't take into account when I did this cycle at this timing was reliving a year ago, except now pregnant again.  I only thought about how I'd feel having Ivy in October and that part didn't bother me since the birth month of Emma and Chase is May.

I find it hard to be happy or excited or even hopeful about this pregnancy.  Why would Ivy live when the other two did not?  Also, what if people see this as a "replacement" or forget about Emma and Chase?  How to I parent everyone accordingly?  Just a lot of emotion going on and I find myself on a new level of grief as I'm trying to accept the possibility of new life, another baby, a different baby and none of this, nothing, will ever bring back my Emma and Chase.  I wish I got to have all 4 kids.  I'm just having a hard time with it all and I don't know if it makes any sense, but I just go day by day.